“Boys learn masculinity by looking at their fathers. Any attempts to speed up this process will not lead to anything good.” The answer of the children’s analyst Anna Skavitina.
My son is 4,5 years old – cowardly as a kitten. Raise your voice a little – roar. Never in his life did he raise his hand to him, only with his voice, and then rarely. Darkness – afraid. We agreed with him that at the age of 5 we will start turning off the light in the room, it is already big. So he talks about it only now and cries in advance! We walked around the apartment with him, showed all the dark corners that there was no one anywhere, opened the cabinets, our dog is huge, if anything, it will bite enemies right away, but he continues to be afraid of the dark. Well, that’s okay, but even here on the street – anyone will come up and take away from ours what he wants, and ours is standing, sobbing. I say – go, take it away, this is your toy, and he only lets snot! The wife believes that one should not interfere in the relations of children on the playground, well, I don’t interfere, but how can I explain to him that you can’t stand up for yourself – no one will stand up for you? I feel sorry for him and sometimes get annoyed, neither I nor my brother were like that in childhood. I would not want him to understand that I’m upset, but sometimes I can’t help myself, just a vicious circle, what should I do?
Leonid, 41
Anna Skavitina, children’s analyst:
It is good that you are concerned about the fate of your son, because any boy, in order to become courageous, needs a relationship with his father. Because dad is a person who can show his son how men behave, how they live. A boy learns masculinity by looking at you. If your son knows that dad is not afraid to sleep in the dark, then he will gradually stop being afraid too, but at first it will be easier for him if you tell him that you checked everything, looked into all corners and cupboards and even behind the refrigerator and are completely sure that now this place is not scary. The son will see that you are protecting him, and you will show that a man is the one who protects the family. And he will also learn to defend his toys if he sees how you defend your desires and your property. This cannot be learned instantly, but it certainly happens without any violence if the son often and closely communicates with you. If you try to do it by force, then, most likely, you will only worsen the relationship between you, and then it will be much more difficult for the boy. At the moment when you are upset by his behavior or what is happening to him, you can tell your son how you feel, but be sure to add that you understand that he has not yet learned to cope with such difficulties. And at the end add: for this you have me, I will always help you, and someday you will be able to do it without my help.