It is hard to communicate when there is a feeling that the other is not saying something … But is it just something else? The opinion of the psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova.
“The secretiveness of a friend spoils our relationship. She, under various pretexts, avoids inviting me to visit, explaining either with repairs, or with something else, as if she is hiding something, and this pushes me away from her … “
Kelly, 33
“Many people are reluctant to let others into their homes – even friends or lovers. For various reasons, including the fear that a significant person may not accept, condemn. You reacted painfully to the “non-invitation” and decided that you were mistaken in assessing the closeness of your relationship. But trust and intimacy don’t improve under pressure. Honestly, being tactful about any strangeness of friends – if they are friends – seems more important than forcing invitations to visit or any other demonstrations. Perhaps you have some fantasies of your own about complete, unconditional, unlimited interpenetration, “if we are friends.” The usual distance – not to discuss any topics, not to introduce someone, not to invite them to the house – is perceived as a rejection, resentment arises. In order not to torment yourself or your girlfriend in vain, think about this: what situations in your past feed such a strong need for acceptance, why are you drawn to examine your loved ones for the degree of trust, and finally, how often do you happen to be disappointed in people and condemn them for that they don’t meet your standards. It seems that the friend is not the only person who knows a lot about this. Ask her on occasion what your assessments and statements gave her reason to believe that you will condemn her, seeing “how she lives.” Perhaps her fears are justified. I will not be original: in order to survive this year, two, three … it is important to figure out what you really want from yourself and from others and what is the fate of these desires.