There are three children in the family: three-year-old twins of different sexes and their younger brother. How to “enjoy motherhood” in such a situation? Having discarded the heroic slogan: by all means be an effective mother, and finding time for yourself, says Anna Skavitina, a children’s analyst.
I have three children: a boy and a girl 3 years old, a boy 17 months old. I have no assistants, nannies, grandmothers. I do everything myself. And I still work from home. It so happened. Of course, I am extremely tired. But I am ready to accept it and accept it. The question is different. How do you organize yourself and your children and manage to enjoy motherhood? So far this is not.
I myself am very active, I do not like to sit at home. My children do not go to kindergarten for a number of reasons. I work on them around the clock. That is, every day we have a schedule. We go to all sorts of classes, circles, meetings of mothers, walks, a swimming pool, playgrounds, workshops. Play centers, gymnastics, ride scooters, go to museums and galleries.
Children love activities, they are interested in everything. In the morning they are already crying out of bed that they need to pack up and go as soon as possible. I’m thinking of a program. Every day is very interesting and varied. This is from the morning. In addition, there is a daytime sleep and after sleep, more relaxed activity.
Children behave well outside the home, but I can’t teach them not to run away from me, often it’s a big stress not to lose everyone. Make sure that they are not offended and they are not offended.
Children cannot be at home. They have a huge playroom, separate from the bedroom, with lots of equipment and toys. It shouldn’t be boring. When we are at home, I can’t handle them. I can’t go to the toilet or eat. They bully each other, beat and cry … If we are at home, then these are endless tantrums. Regardless of whether they themselves play or I do drawing, sculpting, crafting with them. Endless fights, disobedience, tantrums …
I also wanted to say that when my husband or I leave the house or stay at home with one of the children, we understand that individually they are perfect children!
I understand that this is a fight for attention, perhaps! But how can I manage the situation? I try to explain, I ask for forgiveness, but in response I hear tantrums and “no”!
I don’t yell at kids when I’m angry, I speak sternly, lower my voice. But sometimes it seems to me that my patience is running out, that I can hate my own children. From this situation I am already so devastated that sometimes I am ready to go on about them. Cartoons are so cartoons, candy is so candy. This will not lead to good. They will quickly learn how to get their way. What to do?
Catherine, 34 of the year
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Anna Skavitina, children’s analyst:
Katya, you are an incredible mother, you manage to be very effective. I think that many mothers will not even believe that it is possible to cope with so many children without helpers and still work. When a person is so exhausted, but at the same time he keeps the heroic slogan “I must be effective” in his head, it is very difficult to enjoy life and motherhood. You have three very young children, each of whom needs very close contact with their mother. Their struggle for attention is normal behavior for children at this age: you spend with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but each of them misses you. And so all their free time they are engaged in the struggle for a piece of mom.
Moreover, the difference in the age of your children is difficult for all parents, because the older children have not yet grown up in order to be at least a little independent, and the younger child constantly needs to communicate with you. Therefore, your outings to circles and a rich program are at least a temporary unloading of your psyche, because at the same time other adults are involved in your children. And so outside the home the situation is discharged. But of course, it takes you an infinite amount of energy to do this.
Children are too young to be required to play on their own. Therefore, their time should be scheduled by you, as an analyst and logistics manager. In this sense, intuitively, you are doing everything right. Your task is to come up with a system in which your older children would interfere less with the younger child, because their jealousy is quite strong, this provokes both fights and disobedience.
Another story you’ve fallen into is that your elders have reached the age of crisis of three years, in which their tantrums and disobedience and whims are a natural manifestation of their age. Favorite phrases of children at the age of three are “not me”, “I won’t”, “not good”, “not morning”. And to withstand even one such for many parents is a difficult task. And you have three of them. It will be possible to solve your situation only when each of your children has 15-20 minutes from you every day, when you do with only one child what you do not do with another. Every child should know that mom has a separate time for him. But there still should be some other adult nearby, who is busy at this time with the second and third child.
In order for you to enjoy motherhood, you need time for yourself. Try to negotiate with your husband, girlfriends, find a short stay group, a kindergarten, just so that you can recover. This time for yourself should be regular. And you should know that this piece of time in the week is only yours, the time to reboot, when you can “make the children a happy mother.” In addition, the pleasure of motherhood is much more received by those parents who consider the time spent with children as their own personal time. And they think that it is they who want to be with the children today, to lead them to a circle or to classes. And children join this desire. They cease to be the masters of mother, mother becomes the master of herself, her time. When you understand that everything that happens, happens according to your desire, moments of pleasure happen much more often.