We often suppress conflicting feelings and desires for us. So we are calmer, it gives a sense of stability, we become less vulnerable to criticism. But the feeling of liveliness, joy, spontaneity disappears – and we feel that we are exhausted by routine. How to proceed?
“I am a very rational person, everything should be according to plan, according to the schedule. But I am very tired of this, I feel that life is passing by, I miss many interesting moments, everything is monotonous, routine. I want to somehow diversify life so that it becomes brighter, more interesting, more impressions. I read a bunch of recommendations on all sorts of sites, forums, in books a la “change yourself”. But it is very difficult for me to give up the habitual model of behavior, it is difficult to do something spontaneously, not according to a well-established algorithm. And I want something new. I tried to determine what exactly, even write it on a piece of paper, but it also turns out to be quite boring. I don’t know what I want, I forgot how to enjoy life a long time ago, doing as I “should”, and not as I “want”. Unlearned to listen to my desires, I stopped understanding what they are. But the feeling of boredom, anxiety, desire for something new does not leave me. Tell me, please, what should I do, how to move away from the usual pattern of behavior, part with it and understand what I really want, and not blindly fulfill what my parents and people around me expect from me, but understand myself? Thank you in advance.”
Ivanna, 17 years old
Irina Mlodik, psychologist, psychotherapist: “Ivanna, hello. You are setting yourself a difficult task. And, it seems, they have even begun to guess that the task is really not an easy one. After all, it is probably not in vain that your psyche “arranged” for you the practice of proven algorithms, the lack of spontaneity and clear plans. This is your ability to control everything that happens inside you. It is probably very scary, embarrassing or anxious to face what might spontaneously burst out of you. Often we are not ready to face our anger or even anger, rage, envy, suffering or grief from loss, guilt or our own imperfection.
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Because of this impossibility to accept ourselves in our fullness, we sometimes cut off “undesirable”, complex, contradictory feelings and desires for us. From this we become calmer, wiser, more stable. We ourselves like this more, and become less vulnerable to criticism and self-criticism. This brings great relief, gives a sense of stability. But, as you correctly write, the feeling of liveliness, interest, inspiration, joy, spontaneity really disappears.
Of course, returning to life is impossible without permission to experience the full gamut of feelings and desires, or at least not so truncated version of feelings and desires as yours. When you allow yourself to feel, feelings and desires that you diligently avoided may come to you. And without permission to experience and live them, it is difficult to be reborn to liveliness. It is often difficult to accept yourself in the fullness of your manifestations, and, of course, it is important that your environment supports you in this, so that there is at least one person with whom you can be more yourself, relax, trust and manifest more fully, as much as you can.”