An eternally guilty mother is an easy prey for children’s manipulations.
“I am on maternity leave – I have a daughter, she is a year and 8 months old. This is my first child, and I so wanted to enjoy motherhood, to watch her grow. But the family has a difficult financial situation, and I have to go to work. I can’t find peace, get the thought out of my head that the “lost” time, the time to be with my daughter until the age of three, I will never return. How to properly tune in? I understand that our relationship with her depends on how I tune in and behave with my daughter during this period (work – day, evening – home). “Victoria, 30 years old
Irina Mlodik, psychotherapist:
“I understand how difficult it is for you to make a decision – to go to work and not be with your daughter while she grows up. But parents often have to make decisions that their children may not like, as circumstances require. Of course, it would be good for a child to stay with his mother until he is three years old, until he has a natural desire to start exploring the big world, to go to kindergarten. A grandmother or other people who replace the mother can also become a support for the child while the parents are not around.
It would be nice if you could avoid the traditional mistakes of early-to-work moms. Here are a few of them. 1. Do not “disappear” from the house so that the child does not cry. It is better to say goodbye to your daughter, even if she will cry. Say that you are leaving for work, but you will remember her and return in the evening, but for now she will stay with her grandmother (nanny). 2. Do not sprinkle ashes on your head, even mentally, to yourself. Because any child will feel mother’s guilt, and your daughter may have the feeling that her mother is doing something very bad. In addition, the eternally guilty mother is an easy “prey” for children’s manipulations. If you really need to work, make this decision firmly, reasonably and unshakably. Then it will be easier for your daughter to accept new circumstances, and for you not to be tormented by guilt. 3. Try to spend time with her in a way that makes you interested too. Do not do anything forced, just because you want to maintain contact with your daughter or are afraid of losing it. If you are very tired, it is better to be sincere – express regret that you cannot spend time with her today, and say that you will definitely be able to tomorrow. Children do not need our forcedness and insincerity, they feel it well. And remember: no tragedy, just a vital necessity. Other people can share your concerns about your daughter. You still come back.”