It happens that people who have achieved professional success remain unrecognized and unrecognized in the family circle and suffer from the fact that they do not enjoy authority among their loved ones. To become independent of the expectations, assessments and provocations of the environment is the task of growing up.
“I am 33 years old, married, have a daughter. Two higher educations (lawyer/psychologist), I look and dress well. Few friends, many people for simple communication. There is a mother, there is a cousin who is 1,5 years older than me. She has three children, is married and financially very secure. My mother lives alone, my father died when I was two years old. I often come to my mother, we live close to each other. By my nature and temperament, I am a tactful and gentle person, diplomatic and afraid to offend with a careless word.
I won’t say that I am a major specialist in all areas of life, I speak confidently only about what I am sure of, I have checked on myself, or I just know exactly why it is so or not, I argue. But whatever I say is perceived by my close people as “you are a clinical fool.” My objections and arguments are not accepted, but for my mother and sister, the arguments are “and the fifth cousin of the second cousin of one girlfriend told me.” In the end, people do everything that I talked about, but adjusted for a more authoritative person, or all the same, but in their own words. Sometimes you want to laugh devilishly and say – “But I said, I spoke, I spoke!” In other words, vanity and ambition do not allow my relatives to recognize my innocence or somehow listen to my words.
All this is unpleasant, offends and makes you doubt your competence, self-esteem and mood fall. What to do in such situations and is it necessary to do something?
Catherine, 33 of the year
Larisa Kharlanova, clinical psychologist, analytical psychologist, member of the Moscow Association of Analytical Psychology (MAAP):
“Hello, Ekaterina! Once upon a time, when you were a child and a teenager, your self-esteem, like the self-esteem of every person, directly depended on how you were treated in your family, whether you received enough unconditional love, attention; whether you were praised enough “just like that”, whether your achievements were properly noted. We all grow up depending on these components of recognition in our own family. But then, fortunately, there comes a time when we begin to free ourselves from such a strong dependence on the family and how its members evaluate us and what they recognize in us as strengths. It doesn’t matter, simply because our physical and emotional survival is no longer dependent on the members of our parental or extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents). You made a guess – maybe in the situation you described, you don’t need to do anything? I think this is the answer. But I noticed something else. It seems to me that your relatives just recognize both your knowledge and your authority, at least your sister. The problem is that they cannot acknowledge the authorship of some ideas or opinions for you. If you relax and stop fighting so zealously for “authorship”, take a more condescending position, then you will stop worrying about what other people did on your advice, and what – due to their own or other people’s considerations.
You described a fairly common situation. It happens that people who have achieved professional success, respected among colleagues and even widely recognized, remain unrecognized and unrecognized in the family circle. This is partly because, when we get into a familiar environment, we also behave “usually”, the old patterns of communication work instantly, simply because they are much less energetically costly. This can be seen in how difficult it is for natives to accept changes in our behavior. For example, in adolescence, when parents meet various innovations without enthusiasm, and later, when people give up some habits, even bad ones, and the environment continues, as it were, to provoke a person to return to their previous behavior. To become independent of both expectations, assessments, and provocations of the environment is the task of growing up. I wish you enjoy your independent adult life.”