Is it worth telling a child about the death of loved ones and how exactly to do it? For example, the child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto advised children to answer the disturbing questions like this: “They die when they finish living.” And children’s psychotherapist Catherine Marchi assures: you just need to tell the truth.
Catherine Marchi, child psychotherapist:
Contrary to parental notions, even very young children have questions about mysterious deaths and expect truthful and clear answers from adults. It is very important to tell your daughter that her grandmother is dead, that she will never see her again.
You should not choose softer forms of expression in order to protect the child from the bitter truth. If you tell your daughter: “Your grandmother is in heaven”, she will not be able to perceive death as a reality, she will not be able to determine the place where the grandmother is now, she will not be able to realize that death is irreparable, irreversible.
An even more unfortunate formula is “Grandma went on a long, long journey.” The child must understand what mourning is, to realize that the deceased will never return. After all, when they go on a trip, they come back. And there is a risk that the child will wait for the return of his beloved grandmother, without doing this inner work of mourning, and will not be able to switch to something else.
Children should learn about the life cycle – our birth, followed by childhood, maturity, old age
In addition, if adults say to him: “She went on a trip,” he does not understand why they are so sad. He begins to blame himself: “Maybe they are crying because of me? Maybe I misbehaved? The loss of a loved one is a test for the whole family.
Your daughter, just like you, needs to realize what is happening, to express her pain and evoke precious memories of the deceased grandmother in order to settle her from now on in your heart and head. You can explain to your daughter that the grandmother died because she was already very old. Children should learn about the life cycle – our birth, followed by childhood, adulthood, old age, and finally death. That’s the way things are, that’s the way it happens.
Tell the child clearly and distinctly that all living beings on the planet will disappear in their turn, that death is inseparable from life. Even if it is quite abstract for a child, he is able to accept reality.
The child is able to realize very early that it is necessary to get the maximum joy from the days he lives.
The right approach to the death of a loved one allows you to correctly raise the question of the meaning of life. Explain to your daughter that a person lives for a reason (for nothing), that, growing up, we reveal our capabilities, our potential. Thatas we get older, we lose years, but we gain life experience and the experience of happiness.
The child is able to realize very early that one must get the maximum joy from the days lived, knowing that one day all this will come to an end. The main thing for your daughter, as well as for every person, is a full-fledged presence in the moments she lives, the desire to be good, to invest in her future. The main thing is that she gives her love to close people and receives it from those who are dear to her.
About expert
Catherine Marchi clinical psychologist, child psychotherapist.