What child would want to share his mother with a person who is still a stranger to him, to change his already familiar way of life? It will take time for the children to accept the innovations. It will be easier for the child if he understands the firmness and determination of adults in their intentions.
“I have a problem – I live with a girl, she has a daughter of 10 years. I can’t find a common language with her, she is very spoiled and does not want to listen to me, the other day she told me to pack my things. I freaked out, packed my things and left. I understand that the child does not want me to live with them! But my girlfriend and I want to live together! She does not know how to talk to her, and it turns out that I should talk to her (that is, ask the child for permission)? What is the best way for me to ask a question so that she says “yes”????”
Denis, 30 years
Tatyana Bednik, child psychologist:
“Denis, probably, there are no such magic words, thanks to which the girl will immediately gladly change her mind about what is happening. And you can understand her. What child would want to share his mother with a person who is still a stranger to her, to change the already familiar way of life? It will take time for the girl to accept the innovations in her life. It will be easier for a child to do this if he understands the firmness and determination of adults in their intentions. Therefore, your leaving home does not contribute to the achievement of the desired goal. You and the girl are adults, you want to live together, and the child makes the decision for you. Strange situation, isn’t it? The question involuntarily arises: “Is your decision final? Are you both determined to get your way?”
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It’s good if you share your decision together. A confidential conversation is important. You can tell the girl that you understand her feelings, fears, resentments, how difficult it is for her to accept a new person, how sad she is because her usual way of life has been violated. Ask the girl what exactly she fears, what worries her. Try to dispel all her worries and doubts. Tell us exactly how your life together will go, how you will take care of your family, how you will all try to get along with each other. Explain that people tend to live in pairs. And even the most beloved daughter cannot replace her husband’s mother. And having matured, sooner or later the girl herself will start her own family.
Denis, unfortunately, there are no universal recipes for solving your problem. I do not exclude that at first the girl will perceive you with hostility. This is understandable. Her mother, not she chose you. Although, in fairness, I note that when creating a strong family union, everyone has a hard time. Only the wisdom and patience of adults can make sure that the child can appreciate the care and attention, feel positive changes in his life.