What to do if your own daughter refuses to communicate with you, accusing you of all mortal sins? Why so much aggression? And how to react to it?
My daughter found out that I worked in an abortion clinic. She is horrified and does not talk to me. I feel guilty and afraid to lose her…
Elena, 58 years old
EKATERINA MIKHAILOVA, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
Elena, you, a doctor by education, worked for one and a half rates for many years – you fed your family, and your deeply religious mother raised your daughter. Mom is gone, an adult daughter accidentally finds your old work book and finds out that for some time your work was related to the termination of pregnancies. You write that you feel guilty about everything: you didn’t raise yourself, you didn’t work there … As often happens, the conflict was looking for a reason and found it. “Mother-murderer” – why not? It’s time for your daughter to start building her own life, and that’s hard. To become very angry with the mother is an opportunity to “push off” from her without doubts and regrets. Teenagers often do this: find out something wrong about their parents, accuse them of all sins, proudly shut up and slam the door – the usual teenage repertoire. It’s just that you didn’t “go through” it in her teenage years. Now the daughter is an adult. And childhood diseases in adults are more severe. You write that you are afraid of losing her affection, as you have already lost respect. You feel like a “bad girl” who is deservedly punished and deservedly abandoned. You think it’s forever, but it’s not. Who, after all, is an adult in your family?! You are afraid that you will not be able to live without the approval of your daughter, without her support – you can. As the daughter matures and changes, she will outgrow her illusion of infallibility and the right to judge. Now it is very important for you to remember one thing: your pangs of conscience, like your self-respect, are only your own, deeply personal matter, which does not concern anyone else. You need to agree with yourself – what you regret, what you repent of, for what and from whom you need to ask for forgiveness, and who it would not be bad to forgive.