Contents
Because of the fear of criticism and punishment, our most important instinctual desires for life – sexuality, aggressiveness, competition, spontaneity – can be suppressed.
“I often tried to understand what caused my shyness. As a child, I was a very active child, but when I went to school, something changed, although in my yard company I remained the same. When I entered the university, I wanted to try to present myself differently, the way I really was. But again he got scared and shy. One case from childhood does not go out of my head – somehow, just like that, when everyone was playing around and joking, I hugged a girl, I wanted to tickle, and another boy pulled me up with words – they say, what I’m doing. At that moment, everything inside me seemed to collapse. Probably, shyness can be overcome only by trying to get to know each other, to start new relationships, stepping over your shyness. But maybe there is something else here? I am very critical of myself.”
Alexey, 21 years old
Konstantin Slepak, psychotherapist, psychoanalyst:
“On the one hand, you write that you cannot remember cases that could have caused shyness, on the other hand, you yourself cite a case that greatly influenced you.
As I understand it, the following happened – you yourself, not fully understanding the reasons for your behavior, were punished in the form of harsh criticism addressed to you. This was exacerbated by the fact that the action was public, in front of other boys and girls. Of course, this is not an easy, emotionally charged situation.
Read more:
- Don’t call your child shy!
In fact, then for you there was an extremely important (albeit naive childish) sexual experience. Here’s what happened on a psychological level: you were stopped by a boy who, quite likely, considered you his competitor in relation to this girl, he showed you in a not very correct manner that you are not only a nice cheerful boy, but also have “base sexual instinctual desires “. Such a picture, drawn by a naive child’s soul, is very difficult to perceive for a still weak child’s consciousness. It is even more difficult to maintain a balance between growing sexual and aggressive desires closer to adolescence and the existing norms of social behavior. During this period, the position of the parents becomes extremely important: for the boy, first of all, the father, who will help build an adequate image of himself in conditions when the “I” is torn in different directions by desires and fear of punishment.
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- Find the real you
Apparently, for some reason, the fear of criticism and punishment turned out to be stronger for you. As a result, the instinctive desires that are extremely important for life – sexuality, aggressiveness, competitive struggle, spontaneity – were suppressed. In order to break out of this circle, I think you should consider in what cases and in what way that which you have repressed manifests itself. What happens in moments of enlightenment when you can communicate normally with others? Do you like yourself in these situations?
I think it’s important for you to recognize that you have some traits that you and some people around you may consider negative, but they are there and require that they also be allowed to manifest themselves. Apparently, you are the most embarrassed about them, according to stories from childhood. The letter contains the idea that you are ashamed of yourself, and it seems to me that it is important to decide that you are not ashamed of yourself, but only of some of your features, which are not so bad. If you manage to separate one from the other, then you will probably be able, on the one hand, to determine for yourself that part of yourself, those qualities that you are ashamed of, on the other hand, to discover positive traits in yourself for which you can treat yourself with sympathy or even love yourself.