Question to the expert: “How to live after rape?”

How to get through the pain and shame, get out of despair and rebuild a sense of security and self-confidence?

“I told my grandmother, and she burst into tears – the same thing happened to her at the age of 15 … What if I was also born from rape? I’m afraid to tell my mother, I’m very tormented … “

Alesya, 17 years old

Ekaterina Mikhailova, psychologist:

“Dear Alesya, it’s very bad for you now and you have to go through pain and shame, and get out of despair, and rebuild a sense of security and self-confidence … Let’s go in order. Your letter begins with the words “It is my own fault: the company and vodka…” Mistake, underestimation of the danger – yes, guilt – no. No one has the right to do anything with the body of another person, whether male or female, without his consent. The blame for violence lies with those who took advantage of your helplessness, inexperience or carelessness. It’s good that you were able to tell your grandmother about what you experienced – it’s very hard when you can’t tell anyone at all. Her reaction – “we are like damned, it turns out” – led you to the idea that you were born as a result of violence, since you do not know your father. Everything is simpler: the grandmother felt sorry for you and herself. For many years she was scared and ashamed, and she could not talk to anyone about this topic. Should I tell my mother and how? You decide for yourself, it can wait. Here’s what you need to do urgently: search the Web for everything related to psychological help for victims of sexual violence. And see a doctor, but not a “local” one – you need to make sure that your health has not been affected. Well done, you immediately began to think about how to get yourself out of trouble – and pull it out, and you will find and receive help. And as soon as it becomes easier, think about the future: judging by your age, it’s time for you to decide on a profession, go to study. There will be other people around, new activities and acquaintances. It is very important to choose the right people and activities so that you are valued and respected in your new life. This will be a real victory, and I wish it to you with all my heart.”

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