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If you think of raising a child as a “lifetime affair” that measures your personal success and competence, it may prevent you from developing a truly loving relationship with your son or daughter. Psychotherapist Lucy Mikaelyan on why we ask ourselves the question “How to learn to love a son or daughter?”
My son is in his eleventh year, and I still haven’t changed myself. I know that I criticize the child too much, I cling to any phrase, gesture, deed, I constantly accuse of lying and hypocrisy. At the same time, banal cruelty towards a ten-year-old boy is presented by me as “democratism”, “straightforwardness”, “honesty in relations”. When I have to describe my son, I first say that he is smart, selfish, lazy, talented, able to manipulate people. Then I remember that I am saying all this about my son, that the problem is not in the boy, but in me, and I try to correct the situation, saying that he is attentive, capable, interested in many things …
Where are these glasses, wearing which I will not see my own reflection in my boy, the reflection of my brother, mother, mother-in-law? I just can’t stop clinging to the child: I restrain myself with all my might for a day or two and again I arrange a debriefing. I understand that another six months or a year, and with such behavior I will greatly offend him, and he will not only feel this insult (we feel the state of humiliation almost from the cradle), but will also try to respond to him somehow.
I am amazed at the strength of my son’s spirit, it seems to me that any normal person would have run away long ago wherever their eyes look. We spend a lot of time together: trips to nature, going to the cinema, playing games together, drawing, far after midnight we can sit together, embracing, and watch a movie. But I do not think that my systematic attacks on my son can be compensated by the good that is in our family.
lena, 38 years old
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Lucy Mikaelyan, family psychotherapist, employee of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis:
“It seems to me, Lena, that you are a good mother and wife, but it’s not enough for you to just be good. Exaggerated demands on your motherly role make you very attentive to the shortcomings of your son. Especially if you consider the upbringing of a child to be “a matter of a lifetime”, the results of which can be used to judge the degree of your personal success and competence. Here he is lazy or lies – does this mean that you did not work, did not give enough, did not cope? Rigid attitude towards oneself and excessive criticism of the son are interconnected. You set yourself a high bar and do not praise yourself for intermediate achievements at all. So you can overwork, start getting annoyed over trifles, then reproach yourself, think badly about yourself … It seems that you already believe that all the difficulties in the family are solely your fault. And only the strength of the spirit, patience and kindness of loved ones help to prevent a catastrophe.
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Imagine that you have magic glasses. They will help you clearly see your contribution to positive events in the family. These glasses refocus vision, allow you to take responsibility not only for the bad, but also for the good. Here you are sitting, embracing with your son, with your husband, or walking together. How is everyone feeling at this moment? What can you read in their eyes turned to you? How do they treat you now? What does their attitude say about you as a mother, wife, person? Thanks to what spiritual qualities and intentional efforts of yours did this episode of family happiness become possible? Imagine that you put on your magic glasses and decide to write again in Psychologies. I wonder what will be different in the new version of your story?
Diese Zauberbrille hilft wirklich beim sehen der ganzen Geschichte.