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Dismissal, financial crisis, lack of work, divorce… Many circumstances can force us to tighten the family budget, limit our needs, thus changing our habitual lifestyle. Before you start discussing the situation with your children, it’s best to wait until your own emotions subside and you find peace of mind, advises philosopher and family therapist Nicole Prieur. Then your anxiety will not be transmitted to them.
When you decide to have this difficult conversation, try to find encouraging, soothing words, do not go into unnecessary details. You can entrust this mission (at least the first conversation) to a spouse who maintains great equanimity. “Everything must remain in its place, everyone retains his role,” Nicole Prieur warns against mistakes *. – Do not turn the child into a confidant or a witness (“Your dad is in no hurry to pay child support to us”). Otherwise, he will start blaming his parents, or he will feel responsible for his mother, who is deprived of his father’s support, or he will quarrel with his father, or his unwillingness to cope with the problem will lead to poor school performance.
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- Is poverty good or bad?
Today’s children are much more informed, they mature earlier and have a better understanding of the consequences of the financial crisis. They are worried not so much by the forced need to moderate their demands and move to a more modest standard of living, but rather the confusion of their parents, which they observe. They are quite ready to spend the next summer in the country with their grandparents and give up their favorite brands of clothing, but the burden of parental anxiety may be too heavy a burden for them.
But they can rally with their parents in an effort to cope with a difficult situation, approach it responsibly, and this feeling can bring them satisfaction. Talking about money provides an opportunity to reflect on society as a whole, on our fundamental values. “A classmate made fun of your “off-brand” sweater? Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with him?
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- When does work make us happy?
“It is important for children to see an active parent next to them, who quickly reacts to circumstances, and does not turn into their victim,” continues Nicole Prieur. “Yes, he lost his job, but he does his best to find a new one, finds out where and how to find other income opportunities, and devotes the freed time to the children, helping them with their homework.” It is the deep conviction of the psychotherapist that the child’s confidence in the future is much more determined by the behavior of the parents than by changes in their bank account.
Nicole Prieur, philosopher, family psychotherapist, member of the Center for the Scientific Study of Family Relations (CECCOF, Paris), author of many books, in particular “Growing up with children: how to succeed as a parent” (“Grandir avec ses enfants: comment vivre l’aventure parentale” , Syros, 2001).
*Based on the materials of the book “Questions of parents. 120 Expert Answers to Help You Raise Your Children” (“Questions de parents: 120 réponses d’experts pour aider vos enfants à grandir”, Glénat, 2013).