When a father suddenly appears in a child’s life, it can be difficult to establish communication. Native people are drawn to each other, but they have yet to get to know each other for real. Who should take the first step?
“I’ve never been married. My daughter is 10 years old, and all these years she dreamed of seeing her father. And then he recently called – he wanted to see his daughter. He came to visit, gave her a two-meter bear, left his phone number. Then he appeared a couple of times, his daughter somehow wrote messages to him. At this, everything froze. A month has passed. Do I need to remind him to contact his daughter? Or should their relationship develop on its own? I have no material claims against him, and he knows about it. Is my daughter suffering in this situation? Outwardly, nothing has changed.” Ilona, 38 years old
Irina Mlodik, psychologist, psychotherapist:
“The appearance of a father in a child’s life is, of course, a very important event. It is not yet clear how your daughter took what happened. You can talk to her about how she accepted the fact that her dad came into her life. Did she like him? Would you like to communicate with him, get to know him better?
You can ask your daughter what she would like to do with dad: what to do, where to go. If ideas arise, then it will be possible to tell dad himself about them – or you, or the daughter herself, if she is no longer embarrassed and feels confident enough with her father.
Read more:
- When raised (only) by the mother
Men often do not understand very well how to communicate with children, even if they really want to do it. It is not always clear to them what to captivate and how to entertain the child, what joint activities to offer, how to get to know each other, how to get closer, what “being a father” means in general.
One of the functions of a father is to open the world to the child, the breadth of possibilities, to help him feel his own strengths and the ability to master this world. This is definitely possible in your situation, when dad does not live in the family. But since these two biologically related people do not yet know each other at all, it is obvious that they first need to get to know each other. And you can help them by talking to your daughter about what she would like to do with her father.”