“My son graduated from college, sits at home, buried in a computer. I don’t know how to communicate with him, how to diversify his life.” The unexpected answer of the psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova.
“My son is 18 years old. He graduated from college and everything, stopped in development. Sitting at home doing nothing. Interest is a computer. Doesn’t help me. He only asks for money. Shy when praised. Dissatisfied with myself. I don’t know how to communicate with him. How to diversify his life. He also eats badly (can not eat for days). He starts himself, even brushes his teeth once a week … His heart bleeds. I went to the hand-to-hand combat section – after four months I quit. Went to aikido – quit. I decided that he needed to pump up muscles – it was enough for three trips to the gym.
Elena, 36 years old
Ekaterina Mikhailova, psychotherapist:
“The main line in your letter, Elena, is “the heart bleeds”. You are very scared and hurt, and you feel sorry for your son, at the same time you are terribly angry with him: she raised, they say, a baby! Does not develop, plays the fool, dissatisfied with himself, neglected and infantile, wow! You know, with you, many mothers of adult children could cry out in unison: they tried so hard, they raised them so much, what to do now? Let’s imagine what your boy sees and hears day in and day out until he hits the computer. I mean your facial expressions and typical household questions and comments about whether he took out the bucket and brushed his teeth. Agree, your confusion and clearly readable dissatisfaction can mean for him – despite the critical look at the older generation in general and mother in particular – a kind of verdict: something is really wrong with him. It seems like he needs saving, but you are powerless to help him. Here, perhaps, you will bury yourself in the computer.
And will a person want to grow up when the adult life observed nearby consists of only difficulties, responsibilities and experiences? Often, parents seem to tell their children: do not do as I do – do as I say. Does not work. This is a very difficult time for both – when the old roles of mother and son have already become obsolete, and the new ones – two adults who still live together – have not yet been born. It seems to me that you need help more than your boy. It would be important to diversify it, and not his life. And even if you apply to some “section”, then either by yourself or together. As for helping around the house, you know, adults living in the same house can and should have responsibilities, and it is important to share them fairly. But this is not called “helping a mother who alone is dragging everything, and you …” Well, everyone knows what’s next. How long have you had guests whose conversations are interesting to your son? Think about what he could teach you “on the computer side” and how to ask him about it so that he feels that he can and knows something important. It is worth supporting any manifestations of adulthood and any willingness to cooperate, even if it seems that this is not enough. But if you treat a guy like a wretch who “does not develop further”, it will be difficult for both of you. By the way, did you notice that in your letter you did not mention a single dignity of your son? I understand that you expected something different from him, he “should” please you, and not disturb you. But it is still what it is, and it has positive aspects, abilities and resources. It’s quite difficult at his age to believe in yourself when your mother doesn’t notice them at all … “