Guilt is a bad helper. It may well turn into anger towards the son, and then disappointment in him. Therefore, it is important not only to admit the mistakes made, but also to continue to move on: parental feelings of love, participation and support are necessary for a person at any age.
“I am worried about my eldest son, he is 20 years old. He has no dreams, no purpose in life, no mood all the time. Communicates with fifteen-year-old children, behaves defiantly, commands them, is rude, embittered, drinks almost every day. Acts like a teenager. Does not communicate with peers, the girl is also 15 years old. From childhood he was a calm child, without emotions, but when the second child was born, he changed, he says that he hates his younger brother, “why did you give birth to him?” I separated from my husband 4 years ago because he drank every day and still drinks. I’m scared that my son will drink like that too. The son graduated from the lyceum as a programmer and works in his specialty, but he has no goal. I do not know what to do?”
Irina, 36 years old
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Tatyana Bednik, psychologist:
“Irina, your concern for your son is understandable. Yes, you and him, apparently, have different ideas about how a twenty-year-old young man should behave, what to strive for and what to achieve. But the reality is that the son is already an adult who sees his life in his own way. It is in your power to understand yourself and, accordingly, change your behavior towards your eldest son. Describing your anxiety, you seem to constantly ask yourself the question: “Is it not my fault that this is happening? Is his behavior a consequence of my upbringing? But guilt is a bad helper. It may well turn into anger towards the son, and then disappointment in him. Therefore, it is important not only to admit the mistakes made, but also to continue to move on: parental feelings of love, participation and support are necessary for a person at any age. Try to understand your son. What do you think makes him choose friends and a girl among fifteen-year-old teenagers? Why is it important for him to command them? Maybe he does not have confidence in himself, in his abilities? What do you think? Try to create an atmosphere in your home that is free of judgment and threats. Express your thoughts to your son as ideas, not as dogmas. Respect his point of view. At the same time, explain and put into practice the thesis that an adult, having the right to make mistakes, should be able to “pay for them”. Don’t take responsibility for your son’s actions. When expressing your concern for him, exclude actions and words that provoke feelings of guilt. Support your son and praise him for his successes. In a word, help him to develop an independent way of life. Then there is a chance that he will have the strength and desire to achieve something in life. It will also prevent alcohol addiction. But if, as you write, drinking already occurs almost daily, it is better to convince your son to see a narcologist.”