If you often conflict with your husband / wife, think about it: do you overestimate his affection for you? Are you absolutely sure that he is not thinking about breaking up?
Most likely, it never occurred to you to ask such a question: “Tell me, what do you think, if we part, will you be happier?” You probably think you already know the answer. However, it is possible that this is self-deception. Many of us are overly optimistic about our spouses’ intentions, say University of Virginia researchers Leora Friedberg and Steven Stern.
They drew such conclusions by re-analyzing the results of a long-standing survey conducted by the National Center for Family and Household Research back in the 1980s. More than 4 thousand couples took part in it. Each partner was asked to answer two questions:
1. How would you rate your level of happiness if you were single (single) again? (Response scale: “much higher”, “higher”, “same”, “lower”, “much lower”).
2. How do you think your spouse will answer this question?
After 6 years, a second survey was conducted to find out how many of the participating couples kept their marriage, and how many broke up.
And now, years later, Leora Friedberg and Steven Stern re-examined these data and drew attention to curious patterns. Among the participants who believed that they would live just as well (or better) alone, many, according to the results of the second survey, actually broke up with their spouses. However, this result was not surprising. Something else was unexpected. Many of those who overestimated the devotion of their spouses also ended up alone.
The survey materials showed that both husbands and wives had little idea of how the level of happiness of a partner would change in the event of a divorce. 54% of women and 59% of men were wrong in their “predictions”. Their partners assessed their possible prospects in exactly the opposite way.
Women in general tended to overestimate the “misfortune” of their husbands in the event of a divorce. Men, on the contrary, exaggerated the level of happiness of their wives in the event of a possible separation.
How does not understanding the feelings of another push for divorce? “When we believe that a partner is still “not going anywhere” (because without us it will be much worse for him), we are less inclined to negotiate and look for compromise solutions”, explains Leora Friedberg and Steven Stern. Contradictions between spouses are inevitable, the researchers emphasize, but they can only be resolved through a joint search for a way out. By categorically insisting on our own during a conflict, we undermine our relationship. That’s why, in the heat of a fight, it’s helpful to ask yourself: Is my husband (my wife) thinking about breaking up?
However, love saves couples, the authors of the study note. It is she who encourages the spouses to look for a path to solutions that suit both. And then, even if they misjudge each other’s devotion, they will do everything to stay together. If there is no love, but only a desire to maintain family status, then in case of conflicts, an overestimation of the devotion of the other most likely leads to a deterioration in relations and, quite possibly, to divorce.