Both men and women are indeed much more likely to conflict with the mother of their wife or husband than with their own. Why did it happen? Psychologists and anthropologists have found the answer to this question.
A group of psychologists and anthropologists from several US universities analyzed the results of an online survey of 308 volunteers. Participants first reported their gender, age, educational level, and marital status, and then answered numerous questions about family relationships, including relationships with their partner’s parents, conflicts and conflicts that arise, and their most common causes.
It turned out that husbands and wives often quarrel with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law than with their own mothers, and mothers quarrel more often with daughters-in-law than with their own daughters.
Moreover, the most common causes of quarrels are money and raising children.
Scientists explain this phenomenon from the point of view of evolutionary biology, anthropology, genetics and psychology.
First, back in the days of our ancestors, relatives on both sides had to unite to help a young family raise offspring and increase their chances of survival. But since each side of the extended family (the parents of the husband and wife) has a genetic relationship with only one of the young parents, it is his or her interests that are put at the forefront, consciously or not. And this becomes the basis of the conflict.
Second, although the focus of the relationship between a young couple and their parents is raising offspring, the real conflict is over resources. First of all, because of the financial resources, the earners of which are traditionally considered to be men. And this territory becomes a «battlefield» for the female part of the family.
For example, if the financial resources obtained by a young father are limited, his wife will prefer that they first go to her and their common children. And his mother will demand that her son help the members of his parental family.
Another territory in which the interests of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law collide is the care of the children of one and the grandchildren of the other.
Women often have different, sometimes diametrically opposed ideas about what caring is. And in this situation, daughters-in-law tend to turn, rather, to the help of their own mothers — which further worsens relations with the mother-in-law.
As for the conflicts between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, they are usually based on the dissatisfaction of the older woman with the fact that the young husband does not invest enough in the daughter’s family. He earns little, pays insufficient attention to his wife and children …
And fathers, on the contrary, tend to conflict with their adult daughters, and not with daughters-in-law. This may be due to the fact that they are initially not satisfied with the choice of their daughter and doubt that the son-in-law will be able to bring enough resources to the family. However, over time, if everything is in order, the relationship between fathers and daughters is getting better.
Source: magazine article