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They are the closest and dearest to us. We are ready to move mountains for them, or at least find the best doctor, bring healthy products, listen to disturbing thoughts about the future. Why do we sometimes become like strangers? And how to unravel the tangle of resentment and misunderstanding?
“We often quarrel with my mother, the tension grows and is discharged by scandal or ringing silence. I feel guilty: I was not able to prevent the conflict, and now the atmosphere in the house has heated up again. How not to react to the whims of parents, to communicate without raising your voice, I don’t know!” complains 32-year-old Camille.
How to pass the quest of caring for parents without loss and not fall into the traps of addiction and toxic relationships? We asked family therapist Irina Obukhova and clinical psychologist Anna Kuznetsova to help deal with difficult situations that many of us have faced. Spoiler: sometimes it’s more difficult to do this than getting the key to Fort Boyard. But still possible!
1. Divide the territory
Case
37-year-old Anton strives to maintain an atmosphere of goodwill between his wife and mother. But the mutual claims of the two hostesses are growing like a snowball. Each from time to time asks him to convey his dissatisfaction to the «other side» and wants an immediate answer.
Analysis
The “two mistresses in the house” situation is potentially flammable, notes Anna Kuznetsova, especially when they belong to different generations with different views. In a patriarchal family, the daughter-in-law had to obey her mother-in-law. And the modern model of communication involves cooperation and negotiation process.
Key
There may be several problems behind the mutual claims of the two women. The first is a different understanding of their role among family members, the lack of rules and boundaries.
“Anton has become a mediator who smooths out conflicts between mother and wife, but this distribution of roles can be changed,” the psychologist believes. “To do this, everyone must come together to determine whose territory is, both literally and figuratively, and discuss new rules, even if it’s awkward or it seems like everything will work itself out.”
The second problem: the feeling of jealousy and the question of influence
It is often difficult for a mother to accept the fact that her married son needs her less than before. What can a son do? Remember that respect for the mother is not the same as submission to her, and look for other ways to show care. For example, buy a ticket to her favorite play or concert or two if she wants to invite a friend.
Determine which issues concern only himself and his wife, and do not involve the mother in their decision. And discuss common problems only in the presence of all interested parties, so that everyone has the opportunity to speak.
2. Prioritize
Case
The mother of 32-year-old Anfisa has several chronic diseases, so during a pandemic, she must comply with the home regimen. The daughter not only visits her, but also helps around the house. However, Anfisa’s own family, children and husband, complain about her long absences.
Analysis
The situation is common, and the choice is difficult: on the one hand, it is necessary to take care of the parents, on the other hand, the duties associated with the role of mother and wife do not disappear anywhere. And we are not omnipotent, and over time, the energy ends.
The blackout happens faster if we are faced with a misunderstanding of loved ones and a lack of support.
“Although we have a sense of duty and obligation to family members, nevertheless, the main responsibility is to ourselves,” reminds Irina Obukhova. If we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. How to balance your roles?
Key
In any situation that we get tired of, there are two layers, says a family therapist. The first is what we do out of necessity, and the second is what we do at the behest of our inner perfectionist or in search of approval. The second layer is sometimes associated with an even greater load than the first. For example, you visit your mother every day, but at the same time you cook lunch and dinner for the family and try to keep the house perfectly clean.
Irina Obukhova offers the following algorithm of actions: ask yourself the question, which of these is really necessary? When strength runs out or the situation becomes chronic, leave only the most important things. Even if the inner voice will repeat that it is necessary in a different way. Ask for help from loved ones, honestly admit that it’s hard for you to cope with the load of household chores alone. Think together about how you can distribute responsibilities.
3. Take care of yourself
Case
At the request of her parents, Nina, an obedient daughter, became an auditor: she graduated from the institute, got a job in a bank … and realized that this was not her profession. At the age of 24, she said goodbye to the sphere of finance and began to photograph dogs, acquired a studio. Parents stopped communicating with her, the “vow of silence” has been going on for five years.
Analysis
Choosing your path is not easy. Especially under pressure from loved ones. It often hides an attempt to provide the child with guaranteed security, explains Anna Kuznetsova: “In the picture of the world of the older generation, economic and social security is more important than anything else: interest in creativity and creativity, life satisfaction. It may seem to parents that there are certain rules that guarantee this, for example, that a job in a bank equals a stable income.
They get frustrated (and sometimes angry) that the child does not appreciate or rejects their efforts, directed, from their point of view, solely for his good.
Key
In such a situation, we can ask ourselves: do we want to re-establish contact with our parents, and why is this necessary? If the desire to get close is the result of guilt or an attempt to earn approval, then it is worth reminding ourselves that choosing an interesting life is not a crime, but our duty to ourselves.
We can learn to give ourselves approval instead of waiting for it from our parents.
If the idea of restoring relationships is connected with the desire to keep in touch with loved ones — we miss them, we want them to be present in our lives — then, of course, it is worth being active, the clinical psychologist believes.
You can try to convey to your parents that your choice is not an attempt to devalue their care, but the desire to live life the way you want. That you understand their desire to help, but, fortunately, they raised you well enough, and now you are able to take care of yourself.
And most importantly, you want to be present in their lives and see them in yours. It may be worth putting these thoughts in writing to make sure you are saying what you wanted to say, and if so, then give the letter to your parents so that they have time to carefully read it and consider the answer.
4. Reset autopilot
Case
The mother advises 43-year-old Galina to start living for herself: the children have already grown up, and she herself remarried and left for the village. But the daughter does not know how to “live for herself”, out of habit she tries to help everyone.
Analysis
From childhood we hear: “I” is the last letter of the alphabet”, “don’t be selfish!”. And in adulthood, we “rake” the consequences of these attitudes.
“Mom, having married, made a wonderful gift to her daughter,” says Anna Kuznetsova, “after all, only a few receive “permission” from their elders to devote their lives to their interests. What to do with this treasure now? Just because you don’t know how to live for yourself doesn’t mean you can’t. After all, we didn’t even know how to wash dishes, read, and even walk!” We can learn everything, the main thing is to want.
Key
To begin with, let’s define what our habitual behavior looks like (let’s call it «autopilot»): attempts to help, interfere in the lives of mothers and children, deny ourselves various pleasures … We try to slow down all this.
Instead, we draw (even literally, on paper) a new vector — a life in which we come first for ourselves
“Imagine that today is your birthday,” the psychologist continues. — But no one, it just so happened, did not organize it for you. Your task is to make the most of this day. What are you going to do? Why won’t you? Where will you go? What do you see? Will you listen? Eat? Everything that is possible from this, we take and do. And not only today. It could be (though not 100% right away) a new way to live.” Gradually add additional features.
5. Understand and forgive
Case
Raisa, 32, recalls that as a child she lived with her grandparents, and did not know her parents at all. When Raisa became an adult, her parents never became interested in her life, but she wants to know more about her mother and father, to understand them.
Analysis
Sometimes we would like to take care of our parents, but the contact is interrupted. And it is not always possible to restore it. If we have not communicated with our parents for a long time, we do not have the closeness that we would like to maintain.
“The reason is that an emotional connection is formed at a fairly early age, before the age of six,” explains Irina Obukhova. “And if, instead of parents, grandparents take care of a grandson or granddaughter, they go through all the stages of growing up with them, then it is not easy to restore what was lost.”
Key
What can we do if we barely know our parents? Listen to yourself and admit that in the resentment that lurks in the heart, there is a lot of not only love, but also aggression: “I have something to love for, why don’t they notice me!” This is justified anger, but it can get in the way of rapport, so avoid blaming.
Inside resentment there is always an expectation that it could be different
“First, try to formulate for yourself what you expect from your parents, what you would like to receive from them,” the family therapist suggests, “for example, meet, ask about their life, talk about yourself, learn something about your history …”
Tell them about your desire and do not rush to answer. Understand, forgive and accept — this sequence will help solve a difficult task: to create relationships with already elderly parents.