Arguments aren’t always bad. They often mean that we care, that we are trying to get something important. But you have to be able to argue – otherwise they become destructive. Check what psychologist Marta Wróbel-Rakowska from the Dialog Therapy Center says about the anatomy of a quarrel.
- An argument means that something is important to us, we care about something or someone
- Quarrels are needed, but those in which we express our anger and anger, and not those in which we become aggressive – says psychologist Marta Wróbel-Rakowska
- It is best if the quarrel specifically concerns this one thing, one situation – adds the expert
- More current information can be found on the Onet homepage.
PAP: We love, we are together, and yet we argue. Why?
Marta Wróbel-Rakowska: Most often, arguing is a way of expressing emotions such as anger and anger. Sometimes the argument is caused by emotions and stress not related to the situation we are arguing about or our relationship. This is what happens when we collect and experience various emotions and tensions during the day and we reach home with all this luggage. He doesn’t disappear there. We deal with it in different ways. It happens that in a constructive and healthy way – for example, we take a bath, play sports, but sometimes we also do less useful things, and one of them is arguing, which can be the fastest and fairly easy way to release tension.
Usually, however, when we argue, it means that something is important to us, that we care about someone. In relationships, we often argue because we want our relationship to be “some”, for example, tender, romantic, or adventurous. In addition, we usually want it to be perfect, and it even seems to us at first. But over time it turns out that it is not perfect at all and our dreams do not come true. So anger appears, we start to fight for our unmet needs. However, we do not always clearly understand what we really lack, what we need or do not want.
Are arguments better than not having them?
Mostly yes. If we argue, it means we care. We’re trying to do something about it, so it’s an action item. Of course, it happens that arguments are destructive – if there are too many of them, if there are things happening in the process that destroy the relationship, e.g. criticism, humiliation of the other party. It doesn’t lead to anything good.
It is worth realizing that an argument can be an energy that gives you a chance to open yourself to your partner and communicate something important, show – not only with words, but also emotions and commitment.
But arguments aren’t always good …
Of course, not every argument is good. The bad ones are often the result of our inability to talk about our needs and desires. They show that we have communication problems. When we feel that this is the case, it’s worth taking a look at what we really mean.
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Because sometimes we are not very aware of what is important to us. Quarrels often concern seemingly trivial things, such as not cleaning up after dinner. Sometimes it is worth wondering what is the reason for this quarrel, why these seemingly – easy to talk topics – are not such in this closest account.
How can we find out?
When we cannot agree on whether we are going to a pub with Italian or Indian food today, or whether we will go for a bike or swim and start arguing about it, and this quarrel escalates, it is worth stopping and wondering why this is so.
The method of non-violent communication gives great results. It’s a way of communicating by Marshall Rosenberg. It consists in focusing attention on the feelings and needs of one’s own and the interlocutor, and also uses specific forms of language, which allows limiting the possibility of violence in the dialogue.
Such empathetic way of communication towards oneself and the partner is supposed to lead to reconciliation, to resolve the conflict, while remaining mindful of one’s own needs and emotions.
How is it done?
The first extremely important stage is focusing on myself, looking at the situation, what I feel in a given moment / situation, what I need. So when we argue about vacation, for example – in the mountains or by the sea, and we feel that we can never agree on this issue, that we are stuck in mutual anger and regret that the other person does not want to give us what we care about that something forces us to do something, let’s first look at the needs behind the fact that we want it. If my proposal was to go to the seaside and I am fighting for it and I do not want to let go, what is the need behind it? What happens to me when I think about going to the seaside, what do I associate with this place, memories, ideas about this trip? It is possible that as a result I will see that, apart from anger at my partner, I feel, for example, some longing, maybe I need rest, peace, the silence of slowing down and I feel that this is where I will achieve it. When I name it myself, it will be easier for me to convey such a message to my partner and show him what I really mean.
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Then it’s time to take the next step – look at what your partner needs. Maybe he wants activity, exercise, some kind of play, action.
If we realize what needs are related to what we are fighting for, it turns out that it is easier to get along and communicate. It’s about listening to each other. The condition is sensitivity to what the other person is saying and understanding. It is much easier to communicate when you talk about your needs. It is difficult when we focus on blaming and accusing the other person for not giving us what we want.
One of the most common are quarrels over the division of household chores. Are there any needs behind them?
In each couple, such a quarrel can be about something different and important. It is worth remembering that the experiences with which we enter into a relationship are also important, both from the family home and from previous relationships. The perception of segregation of duties is often associated with belief in the best model, often that of the family home. But the experiences of the partners may differ significantly: for example, in my family it was so that my mother did not work and took care of the house, and dad worked and therefore did not take on household duties, and the partner comes from the house where it was it was the father who took over the household duties and the mother was engaged in professional work, or they shared these responsibilities equally. So, if we have different experiences and memories of the family home, as well as different expectations, then it becomes a problem.
In such a situation, it may help to realize what stems from my belief, which I hold so rigidly, and then answer the question of whether this really must be the case in my relationship. Realizing the answers to them will make me more likely to open up to what my partner wants. You have to listen to each other and hear who imagines the division of responsibilities, and then agree on how it should look like with us.
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Of course, it is best to do it at the beginning of living together, although more often we do not agree on such things, because we are convinced that somehow it will be or sure that the partner has exactly the same vision of the relationship and division of duties as me. Then it may turn out that this is not the case at all. So we have a vision of an ideal relationship in which many things go by themselves, but life verifies such ideas, and often, however, many things have to be agreed. This can help you avoid many difficult situations later.
Such a conversation can be held at any stage of the relationship, it is not appropriate to return to this topic afterwards. When we notice that something is wrong, we should treat it as an impulse to talk and agree on what it should look like. Maybe this division of responsibilities will solve some of our problems. How we will feel after such a conversation will be a signal for us if this was really what it was about.
What else could be hiding behind the anger about the socks scattered on the floor, for example?
Sometimes it’s just anger that the socks are on the ground again and not in the laundry basket. But sometimes this very mundane situation can relate to much more important topics. For example, when I see that my partner is not washing the dishes after himself, or watches TV at night instead of going to bed with me, it may bring to mind some past experience. And instead of being angry at the fact that he is acting like this, we devote much more attention to this situation than it is worth, e.g. we imagine that our partner does not care for us, does not respect us, does not love us.
If I have had such an experience with my family in the past that I felt unimportant, neglected there, then it is easy for me to think that such an unwashed plate again means that nobody cares about me, I am unimportant to my partner. If I have been treated in an aggressive manner, I may perceive it as hostility or malice.
However, if I had a good relationship with my relatives, a house where I was listened to, where my needs were met, then most often I only see a dirty plate, and not an expression of disengagement, contempt or ill-treatment.
How to start a conversation and not start an argument when we have a lot of anger about a certain situation, when we are disappointed by the behavior of our partner?
Arguments are necessary, but arguments where we express our anger and anger, not those where we become aggressive, coerce and dominate the other person. If, apart from anger, we are also accompanied in a quarrel with disappointment or disappointment, it usually turns out that the partner or this relationship does not give us something important.
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A disappointment is a feeling of greater caliber than just anger or anger, so it’s important to try to talk about it and explain it. Only this will increase the chances that something will change.
The first point is to find out what caused the disappointment, what this situation or behavior makes us feel like. For example, we want to have a date in the afternoon and the partner says he has to stay longer at work. If, in addition to the usual disappointment, I feel anger, sadness and disappointment then it is good to check how I interpret this behavior of my partner and what my disappointed needs are behind these emotions. Maybe it is a need for closeness, being only together, or maybe a feeling of rejection? If I already have this information, I can address a request to my partner. And it is on my side, not my partner’s, to communicate my feelings and needs, and to ask for something. Of course, this can be very difficult.
What if he doesn’t answer that?
It gets into trouble. Because what is important at this point is that a loved one responds the same – expressing their feelings and needs.
The reasons for canceling a date may be different – maybe the partner is very stressed by work, maybe he has to take care of something and therefore he refuses or constantly postpones the dates. But maybe the reason is in a relationship where something is wrong and the partner avoids confrontation. It is worth noting at this point that if there is a problem, we can argue and fight, but we can also withdraw. This is another way of dealing with something we don’t want. We often don’t even realize it.
He does not say that something is bothering him and we “do not notice”?
Exactly. It can be difficult, because in a relationship with someone who is very close to us, we would like to get the most, but at the same time we are most afraid of rejection, we are afraid to expose. Nobody can hurt us as much as the person closest to us. Saying, “This behavior has hurt me, it bothers me, I am afraid of losing you or I miss something, I feel insecure” – can be so difficult that sometimes the therapist’s help is needed. Then it is worth going for it.
When we feel that not everything is as we dreamed it is, should we strive for the perfect relationship?
To the perfect never. It is worth not to lose hope for closeness, even when we sometimes fail to get along. It’s good if we are aware of what is wrong, because then we have a chance to do something about it. If these “shortcomings” are not redundant, if one person loses one time, then another loses, then it can be accepted that our relationship will not always give us what we expect and that it is not perfect. It’s not that bad. The relationship is by definition not perfect, and if we accept it and say goodbye to this illusion, it will be easier for us. You can still feel happy and fulfilled.
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It is different when only one person always has to give up something, make a sacrifice – such inequality is very harmful to the relationship.
What if during an argument we start to blame ourselves for mistakes and situations we have committed in the past?
Ideally, an argument should be specific to one thing, one situation, one event, one issue, and not be an argument about everything that happened before. Only then can it lead to a solution, not leave us feeling angry.
It’s good to stick to this rule, although it can be difficult. Because when we argue, we often suddenly remember all the bad moments in our relationship’s past. This is how our brain works, it is our evolutionary adaptation that we remember difficult, painful moments better – it is supposed to motivate us to escape in a threatening situation. And then it’s easy to find the unfair words “you never …”, “you always …”.
Our head can help here to try to persuade ourselves not to do so. But it is also worth drawing conclusions that if a topic comes back to us so often, and bad emotions with it, it is usually something important that has not been properly resolved and cared for. Our disappointment and regret about this situation have not been fully worked through, lived out, or named. Perhaps we didn’t get what we had hoped for in this situation from our partner. Maybe understanding, apologizing, or just listening. Maybe it is worth returning to this situation, because it concerns something deeper in our relationship.
Sometimes we just can’t let go, forgive …
Yes, and we carry the wrongs within us that keep coming back to us. It can be a problem in the relationship, but it can also be some personal problem of ours that should be dealt with more individually.
Because maybe the partner did not give us what we needed in this situation: he did not apologize for it, he reacted badly. But maybe I have had bad experiences from the past, some strong hurts that now make every new hurt stay very much in me, and although I will get what I should in this situation, I still cannot forgive.
In any case, if something comes back to us often, it is a signal that something important is at stake. We should then sit down with our partner and talk about why it comes back so often, what is it all about. We should look into our feelings, memories, look at the associations and tell our partner directly: I needed this or something from you then and I didn’t get it, talk about why it happened and why I carry it in me.
What to do in a situation where one of the partners retires during a quarrel and does not want to talk?
This is very difficult and quite common. Therapist Sue Johnson, who deals with emotional focused therapy, calls this relationship pattern “protest polka.” According to her, there are several patterns of being in a relationship. The most common is when we look for the culprit and blame each other and fight each other.
Another, when we both withdraw, do not communicate with each other, do not talk about what hurts us, touches us, angers us and we move away from each other.
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And the next one is a protest polka, where one person fights, demands something, wants an agreement, and the other withdraws, which most often causes even more anger in the first person and even greater withdrawal of their partner. Such a withdrawal is very often a defensive reaction to an attack. We are unable to deal with the anger that affects us, it often has its roots in the past, and we are repeating this pattern now.
The paradox is that the more one partner pushes, the more the other will withdraw. And the more the latter retreats, the more the former pushes. And we have a vicious circle.
So what to do to get out of this?
Often the person being attacked thinks: “If he / she hurts me, attacks me, is still dissatisfied with me, all I can do is step back.” And the latter has the belief: “I have to push, force some reaction, because he / she still does not react.” Then you have to look deeper. Often times, a person who fights does it because they love, care for them, and that is how they demand what they need, such as security or attention. And just as often, the other person also wants the same, but is so afraid of showing it and of being hurt, that she prefers to step back so as not to feel pain. If we improve communication with each other, it is most often possible to get along. In the conversation, however, it’s best to focus on yourself, not your partner.
As?
Because what positively strengthens us, drives us, winds us up when we have a lot of anger in us, is the mechanism of looking for the guilty party. Therefore, when I get angry, when my partner is silent, when he has not come back to the bedroom for the night, I usually shout at him because of it. And that’s when he pulls back and runs away. Closed circle.
You have to consider what I feel, what I am afraid of avoiding. And when I feel angry, try to get to what’s under the anger. Most often these are concerns that someone will hurt us, that we will lose something, that we will not be close, that we will not be important to the other person. If we get to this fear, we already have a way to start talking about it. If we talk about our fear, we have a chance that the other person will understand us.
Can you get out of a growing quarrel?
It’s good to stop. Of course, it depends on our temperaments and our neurological equipment. Because we can be “hot” people in whom this tension builds up quickly and we release it quickly. Then the quarrel may indeed escalate, which leads to mutual wounding and devastation of the relationship.
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A person with a hot temper may look for methods to stop. We count to ten, we leave the room for five minutes or sometimes longer. But we always announce it to the other person so that they don’t think we’re running away. Anyway, if we notice such a problem, it is worth establishing the rules of the quarrel in advance. After all, we can tell the other person, “If I feel that I am already boiling and I do something like this that will spoil our relationship, or say something that will wreak havoc, I have to stop, don’t take it wrong.” You can set a password that will signify a break, but not because I turn around and don’t want to talk anymore, but just because I don’t want to spoil it any more. We are looking for ways to calm down, confront what has upset me so much. When I discover it, I go a step further – looking for what to name it and how to communicate it to my partner, what words to use to say about my feelings and needs. So I cool down my emotions and go back to the conversation when I feel calm.
If we have two such males, then during an argument there are thunderstorms that are very difficult to tame and stop, and some people like it. Sometimes discharging brings relief. If the foundation is a deep bond, such heated arguments do not have to spoil the relationship. But I think that such discharges will not replace real, honest conversation that needs better weather conditions. Of course, it is even more difficult, because they may not understand each other, although they are similarly constructed.
Knowing each other, you can get along a lot, as long as there is respect for the partner, also during an argument. If we respect each other, we want to get to know each other, if we want to understand each other and cooperate with each other, there is a good chance that we will build a good relationship for years.
Monika Wysocka, Zdrowie.pap.pl
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