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All couples fight, and that’s okay. Rather, the complete absence of disputes can be a sign of an unhealthy, inharmonious relationship: if the partners do not have the strength and desire to correct the situation, this may mean that the union has come to an end. And yet there are quarrels and quarrels. How to sort things out respectfully and what mistakes should be avoided?
1. Don’t aim for weak spots
Getting personal and hitting the patient is a forbidden technique. Even if you feel angry, hurt, or frustrated in the midst of a conflict, they don’t excuse the behavior.
“If your relationship lasts long enough, you probably know what hurts your partner the most,” explains family therapist Gary Brown. – For example, if he suffers from an anxiety disorder, never tell him: “Yes, you are always afraid of everything! Finally be a man!
Unfortunately, such attacks are very difficult to resist, says clinical psychologist Gina DeLucca. “Try to focus on the problem, not the partner’s personality. Don’t tell him anything you’ll regret later, she advises. “A fight is always hard, but it’s important to show that you still respect each other.”
2. Don’t leave in the middle of an argument.
During a fight, when you suddenly “shut down” and abruptly cut off contact, your partner feels as if the ground has been knocked out from under him. Not only is the problem not solved, but you also left him alone and confused.
“A lot of times this is how a man behaves. He may be afraid of his own anger, or it may be his passive-aggressive way to strike back, explains psychotherapist Emmy Begel. “This hidden aggression emotionally devastates the other partner.”
If you feel overwhelmed and need a break, that’s okay. The main thing is to be honest with your partner about it. “Explain that you want to understand his point of view, but are not able to do it right now, and that you need a time out,” suggests psychotherapist Carol A. Lambert.
3. Don’t Make Important Decisions While You’re Emotional
When relations are heated to the limit, we cannot make informed decisions – for this we need to cool down. “If nothing threatens your health and safety right now, it is better to refrain from drastic steps during a heated argument,” advises Gary Brown.
4. Don’t Remind Your Partner of Past Mistakes
Shaking up “dirty linen” during a quarrel and remembering old grievances and mistakes of a partner means aggravating the situation. Such “arguments”, as a rule, are not related to the subject of the dispute and force the partner to go into a dead defense.
“When we’re worried, guilt-ridden, or just not ready to admit we’re wrong, it’s tempting to start attacking our partner to get him defensive,” Begel says. “One way is to list all his mistakes or change the subject to distract him from the subject of the dispute.”
If you are haunted by a long-standing “skeleton in the closet”, take the time and discuss it separately.
5. Don’t seek to win at any cost
Even in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that you and your partner are one team, which means that you will be “right” and he will be “guilty” will not be of any use.
“Even if you’re ‘always right,’ it pays to listen to the words of your loved one,” says Lambert. – Find a compromise or agree that everyone remains at his own. This way you recognize that your partner’s opinion is valuable to you, and you can further develop the relationship.
6. Do not sort things out in correspondence
Text messages are great for sending emojis, wishing you luck in an interview, or discussing menus, but they’re best avoided in arguments because text is easy to misinterpret.
“You don’t hear your partner’s tone of voice, you don’t read their body language, and you don’t see their face,” Brown explains. – But our communication for the most part consists of non-verbal signs. The risk of misunderstanding the partner in this case is very high.”
7. Choose expressions
When expressing your point of view during an argument, you may inadvertently say something that will hurt or devalue your partner’s feelings. “Even without meaning to, you can hurt a loved one very painfully,” recalls psychologist Jamie Goldstein.
8. Watch your body language
We often obsess over words and completely ignore body language. “The feelings that we experience during a conflict – anger, depression, pain – are usually accompanied by a large release of energy,” explains psychotherapist Lindsey Seeley. “As a result, we can hang over a partner, pound the table with our fist, swing our arms strongly and sharply, invade his personal space or shout loudly.”
There are also less obvious signals: for example, we can break eye contact by burying ourselves in the phone or turning away to the TV, rolling our eyes or grinning dismissively. Often we do this unconsciously.
“Our posture and non-verbal cues are extremely important and need to be monitored, especially if your partner has had a traumatic relationship experience,” Linsey says. The psychotherapist recommends using deep breathing and sensory awareness techniques (squeezing an anti-stress ball in your hands, inhaling essential oil). “Take an open pose: turn to your partner, relax your arms, look into your eyes. This is how you reconnect in the midst of a conflict and remind your partner that you are one team.”
All of this will help you stay calm and engaged, despite the difficult feelings you are experiencing.
Source: The Huffington Post.