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The way we fight can improve or jeopardize our relationship with our partner. We offer you six tricks that will help you move in the right direction during disputes.
Israeli psychologist Eran Halperin has summarized research on the role of our emotions in the moment of an argument. In his work Emotions, Emotional Regulation and Conflict Resolution, he also showed how exactly our thoughts and subjective attitude to a given situation shape our emotions (1). For example, we depend heavily on the reactions of other people and it is important for us to receive respect and support from those who observe the dispute, but are not included in it. And if we feel that for some reason this support is not there or it is insufficient, dissatisfaction or anger may increase. We experience the same emotions if we feel that we are losing in an argument. However, the more irritable we become, the more likely we are to lose the logical chain of argumentation, which means that we find ourselves in a deliberately weak position. Psychologists offer us tactics that help us successfully resolve controversial situations.
1. Stick to the facts
We often get involved in a dispute because of issues that are not important for us and therefore we do not know the subject well. We know we were wrong from the start, but unwillingness to appear as losers in our own or others’ eyes makes us continue the pointless conflict. This, of course, is not the best stimulus for the development of the discussion. Try to stop if you’re unsure of your arguments, and don’t get into an argument for the sake of arguing — even if your opponent provokes you to do so.
2. Look at the situation from the side
You do not need to agree with your interlocutor in order to see the opposite point of view. However, if you want to resolve the conflict, you must be able to understand the perspective of the situation and the arguments of your counterpart well. “This is also important because we begin to better understand what drives our interlocutor and forms his conviction,” says Eran Galperin. — Perhaps he feels threatened by you, feels fear or irritation because of this, which is largely reflected in his point of view. Or he knows something about the subject of the dispute that you do not know. Anyway, if you show sympathy for the interlocutor, this will reduce the intensity of the situation, which means that it is more organic to come to a mutual decision.
3. Be open and open-minded
Becoming aggressively defensive is the worst strategy for someone who wants to resolve a contentious situation. “Do not let your interlocutor feel that you are not going to consider other alternatives,” Galperin emphasizes. — If you show that you want to understand the position of your counterpart, then he, in turn, will be more likely to agree with part of your arguments.. The more attentive a listener you are, allowing the person to talk, the more likely the conflict will be resolved peacefully and you will come to a mutual compromise.
- I fight with everyone
4. Control your emotions
If you lose patience and start to get annoyed, you will only provoke your opponent to retaliate aggression. And your conflict will thus flare up. Do not be afraid that your outward calmness can be interpreted as a sign of weakness in your position. You will win by keeping your feelings under control, reducing the emotional intensity of the opposing side. And it may very well be that it is due to the fact that both of you look at the situation more soberly and impartially that you will be able to come to a compromise. And in some cases, even admit that your argument is pointless.
5. Tune in to the fact that the dispute will be resolved
Conflicts themselves imply negative emotions. And sometimes it is difficult for us to imagine that we agree with the opposite side — this hurts our pride. However, the mindset that the conflict will be resolved allows us to think more clearly. This means that our argument becomes more convincing. Sometimes we start generating new, non-standard ideas. In other words, as soon as we believe that there is a way out of the conflict situation, it ceases to seem insoluble. The most important thing we should remember is that winning an argument does not always mean that we are right. If our goal — resolve the conflict, then the so-called loss in the future can often mean a real gain.
6. Respect your opponent
Many disputes leave only the illusion of victory. Yes, you can formally insist on your decision, but the price of this will be a damaged relationship. “The outcome of the dispute can only be considered successful if you have saved the relationship,” says Galperin. — So, no matter what happens, never humiliate your opponent and never give him a reason to think that you do not consider him. Even if this is a person whom you will most likely never see again, show him respect and try to make it clear that you have nothing against him personally. You just have a different point of view on this issue.
1. E. Halperin “Emotion, emotion regulation, and conflict resolution”, Emotion Review, January 2014, see details here.