At the beginning of the year, none of us could even imagine that we would all be locked up at home for several months. And not all couples have painlessly survived the quarantine. Can they be “cured” and what steps should be taken?
Many couples spent their free time during quarantine watching TV shows together or playing games on their phones. But others, alas, cursed, quarreled and shouted at each other from morning to evening. Some tried to minimize communication by going to different rooms, not even wanting to cross paths in the hallway.
There were many who constantly suffered from the inability to escape from home for a while (to work, to the park, to the cinema, to cafes), in order to find peace and quiet at least for a while. But we all had to sit locked up, as if in a trap.
“Yes, many of us, of course, were pleased with the opportunity to be together all the time. But at the same time, the impossibility of at least a short break from each other created tension in relations with a partner. It became more and more difficult to resolve conflicts. And now we feel that we are starting to move away from each other more and more, ”explains psychotherapist Lisa Rabinovich.
No wonder some people started to think: “When will this epidemic end and I can finally get a divorce / move / find a therapist to solve our problems?”
“My clients complained that they began to quarrel with their partners more often, and, by their own admission, “because of nonsense.” Other couples, unfortunately, had more serious disagreements that put the future of the relationship in question, ”says Liza Rabinovich. She makes recommendations for people who have started to have constant quarrels during quarantine at home.
6 tips for conflicting couples
1. Find a competent family therapist or coach
As soon as you’re out of quarantine, look for a therapist or coach to discuss your concerns with. If you do not want to leave your home once again, please note that many specialists are ready to work remotely.
2. Set a deadline
Set a date for yourself by which you need to make a final decision whether you stay together or break up. For example: you are about to sign up for couples therapy and decide that if you don’t do it in two months, it’s time to seriously think about the future of the relationship. Or, having started therapy, you decide to reassess your prospects in six months.
3. Pay attention to what causes conflicts most often.
Ask yourself: Have these problems always existed or did they start during quarantine? A lot of people during the period of isolation realized that before they simply did not realize their differences, because they were always busy with work.
“Even if the partners have always understood each other well, the stress associated with the epidemic, the risk of illness and even death, forced isolation, loss of work, could create unprecedented tension in the relationship,” explains the psychotherapist.
4. Support each other
Ask yourself if you are helping each other enough. Many of us have become more sensitive and irritable due to the anxiety and stress caused by the epidemic and quarantine. Now you especially need mutual support.
5. Consider all options
Many couples were thinking about breaking up even before the epidemic, but quarantine forced them to live together for several more months. If you find yourself in such a situation, it is important now, having freed yourself from this “trap”, not to make hasty decisions and carefully consider everything.
Has something changed during this time? If you decide to leave, where will you live? If you want to start temporarily living separately, discuss with your partner your plans for this period.
“If it’s hard for you to be together, but it’s still impossible to leave, try to agree to temporarily live in different rooms. And, of course, if you have children, it is important to discuss how you will inform them of your decision and how you will share parental responsibilities,” says Liza Rabinovich.
6. Recall how you usually resolved disputes and conflicts
Try writing down the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship in a diary. It is helpful to take a quiet walk before doing this to clear your thoughts.
Quarantine is not the time for some life-changing decisions, because we are all a little “out of our minds” due to prolonged stress. But if even now, after the end of the lockdown, you and your partner continue to constantly argue, quarrel and cannot return to a “normal” life, this is an occasion to think about the future of the relationship.