How do you get your child to listen to you? Many parents struggle with this issue. If you have a normal average child, then he behaves differently: sometimes he obeys, sometimes he builds whims. Sometimes you manage to cope with it, and sometimes you don’t, and then it’s easier to do it yourself or leave it as it is.
Often, parents achieve obedience only in the main, in the most important matters for them, and in the rest of the little things, where the child does not put them in anything, they prefer to invest to a minimum in order to save their nerves.
It is considered normal if at 3 years old a child does not take care of his clothes and forgets to make his bed. But he goes where he is led, and looks at books with pleasure. Parents are calm — it seems the child loves to read and is obedient to the will of the parents.
Alas, as they grow older, this child obeys their parents less and less, and by adolescence one can observe categorical disobedience in the most important issues. The habit of obedience is not formed, which means that the child’s behavior is unpredictable.
In the meantime, it’s the little things that form the perfect habit of obeying your parents. You can start paying attention to the little things at a very early age. My daughter is now 2,5 years old, and I deal with almost every contentious situation in order to form the habit of obedience.
We are walking on the playground. My daughter took someone’s toy thrown in the middle of the path to play. After a while, I call her home: «It’s time for us to go, put the toy back and let’s go home.» She immediately drops the toy, turns around and says «Let’s go!».
A few simple steps help me deal with this situation:
1. I note that there is a case of disobedience. I asked to be removed — she ignored the request.
2. I ask myself the question: “Who is in charge now? Do I agree that my daughter should be in charge?” — the answer is negative.
3. I remind myself that the fact that the toy was returned to its place is not important to me, the fact of obedience is important to me. In other words, the thought “Maybe it’s okay, let the toy lie here, it’s still lying in the middle of the road, what’s the difference” is replaced by the thought “It is very important that my daughter does what I ask, this forms a habit.”
4. If I have enough time, then I can afford to wait a while. It looks something like this:
a. Attentive, calm look directly into the eyes of the daughter — at least 30 seconds.
b. A smile and a loving, encouraging look at your daughter — at least 30 seconds.
c. A surprised look at her daughter — briefly.
d. Commanding glance at the daughter and the toy — briefly.
At this stage, about 60% of my cases of disobedience on trifles are solved.
5. If my daughter runs away, is naughty, indulges, then I return her to her original position (in space — I put her in her place, and in a conversation — I repeat the request). Then I repeat point 4.
6. It happens that time is running out, and it is necessary that the daughter fulfill the order immediately. Then instead of item 4, I use the «One — two — three» method.
a. Attentive, calm look directly into the eyes of the daughter — at least 30 seconds.
b. A surprised look at her daughter — briefly.
c. «Put away the toy, one» — a pause of 15 seconds.
Here she usually intensifies the cry or tears if she has previously screamed and cried.
d. «Put away the toy, two» — a pause of 15 seconds.
Sigh, instant redemption of emotion.
e. «Put away the toy, three.»
Calmly goes and does.
The One-Two-Three method works about 50% of the time. For older children, successful outcomes are more frequent — more than 80%. It must be the frequency of application of the method that matters here. If you already have the habit of listening to «One — two — three», then it will work almost always.
Using the above steps I can resolve 60 + 40/2 = about 80% of petty naughty cases. Each time it takes time and requires, first of all, work with my internal state (points 1-3).
However, the reward for this work is not only the very fact of obedience, but also the inexplicable delight of the daughter who fulfilled the request.
She carefully picks up the toy, untangles the tangled rope, slowly takes the toy to the right place. He turns to me with a triumphant smile and shining eyes, lets out an enthusiastic cry and, overflowing with energy that has come from nowhere, rushes in my direction. I smile approvingly: “Good girl, daughter!”.
I am sure that the more attention I pay to obedience in small things, the easier it will be for me to deal with really important issues later.