Pushing the boundaries: how to learn to see the good in the bad

Three people carried stones in carts. To the question “What are you doing?” the first answered: “I carry stones.” The second is more cheerful: “I make money. I have a big family and I have to feed them.” The third proudly said: “I am building a temple!”

We often think in stereotypes, which is why we consider some situations one-sidedly, not noticing other facets. We get stuck in a negative assessment of some event and do not see hidden bonuses in it. This hinders our further development and communication.

The reframing technique (from the English frame – frame, reframe – restructure, rethink, reformulate) helps to learn to perceive situations differently, express thoughts differently and react in a new way to other people’s actions and words.

Often the bad is easier to see. We say: “He is a bore” when we can say – “He is reasonable and meticulous in details.” This is reframing – a new verbal construction that changes perception. There are two types: content (meaning) reframing and context reframing.

Many of us already know how to use the technique, but often unconsciously. For example, with the help of proverbs, sayings and anecdotes. “He beats – it means he loves”, “If ours is then a scout, if someone else’s, then a spy”, “Thank you, Lord, for taking money.” This is such a “folklore reframing”, which allows you to overestimate, to alleviate a difficult situation. But you can learn to apply it consciously.

Changing the picture in the frame: looking for a new meaning

In the reframing of meaning, we find a different meaning of what is happening or its new quality. To do this, we take an evaluative word or phrase and select a wording with a different sign – for example, we change the minus to a plus.

“Not stingy, but thrifty, able to count money.”

“Not fussy, but energetic and active.”

“Not stubborn, but persistent.”

This is the reframing of meaning. It allows you to see the whole depth of the situation, its different facets. In some ways, it resembles a religious acceptance of the situation as a whole. It can be difficult to apply it: it is difficult to give up something that you have just been one hundred percent sure of. The question itself will help: what positive does this situation give me? What is she teaching me?

By rethinking, we change the picture in the frame. And then the same events and circumstances are perceived differently. For example, in conflict. We are accustomed to criticize. “Who, besides me, will tell you the truth?” – we hear in your address. And we are indignant, we argue, we suffer that relatives do not want to support and only criticize. And sometimes they even say nasty things.

“It’s not about really bad relationships,” says clinical psychologist Natalya Oshemkova. – As a rule, relatives take care of us in such a peculiar way. There is a stereotype: you can not overpraise. Otherwise, he will become proud or hope in vain and fail, and then he will suffer.

Such thoughts lead to the fact that a mother or father tries to protect us, but as a result they offend us. Such a paradox. Unfortunately, in our culture it is not customary to teach people to express their emotions, and we often show them in a distorted form – criticism.

How to change criticism for a resource?

How to see this concern and not be offended? Let’s look at a few examples where reframing can help.

Relations with parents. Let’s say you tell your mother that you’ve been offered a job in another city. She doubts that you can do it: “Why don’t you live and work here? Here’s another idea!” At this point, you have a choice: react “as always” and get offended, or use a tricky trick.

In the first case, you decide that the cruel mother does not love and support you, so you need to communicate less with her and not share the news.

In the second, try to figure out what is behind her reaction. Ask what is really bothering her, how does she feel? You can ask these questions to yourself. And, perhaps, you admit that in such a strange way the mother is worried that it will be difficult for you in a new place and that your expectations of changes for the better will not come true.

You inserted a new picture into the old frame. Now you can build relationships by talking about your feelings: “I understand that you care about me, mom. But it hurts and hurts me when you react like that.”

Relationship with a partner. For example, a man tells his companion a neutral phrase: “I didn’t like the cafe today, let’s go to another one next time.” The reaction may be different. “Why are you saying this now? Couldn’t you not tell me about it, but just go to another place next time? You ruined my mood.” Further – resentment, silence all evening and other stereotypes of behavior.

But you can say: “I like it so much that you are careful about what we eat.” Or, “I appreciate you being honest with me.” This is reframing: a new picture within the same frame of the situation.

Before giving out our usual reaction, it is worth stopping and thinking: did we hear exactly what the interlocutor wanted to say? Have you noticed all the meanings of the message? Sometimes the old tried-and-true way to slow down is to count to ten.

There is more difficult situationswhen reframing can also be effective. It is extremely important at such moments to choose the words very precisely – especially for the other.

“A person has lost a lot – loved ones, home, homeland. After the disaster, where dear people died, the survivor is going through grief, – says Natalya Oshemkova. – Very often he loses the meaning of life. He blames himself: he overlooked, he let go, he didn’t go with them, he didn’t get on that plane … And here the search for a new meaning can be considered reframing. For example: “I stayed alive to preserve the memory of my loved ones.” And then a person begins to sort out family archives, compile a family tree, arrange exhibitions of the works of the dead, publish their poems, help their relatives … “

Viktor Frankl wrote how he was looking for him for himself and helped to find him as a prisoner. To accomplish a deed (according to Frankl – a feat) is one of the ways. The psychologist himself, while in a concentration camp, promised himself to return alive in order to meet his wife. When he realized that she would not survive, he set a goal to save a human face in inhuman trials.

Changing the frame of the picture: looking for a new context

In context reframing, we compare an object or event with others or place it in new conditions or context – we change the frame of the picture.

To do this, the evaluative word or phrase must be placed in another situation where such behavior will have a different meaning, for example, it will be beneficial.

For example, anger for someone is aggression and danger. But in sports, this is a necessary quality – hence the expression “sports anger.” To deceive is not good, but to deceive the enemy is sacred. Susanin became a hero thanks to deceit. Brawlers are not liked, but their qualities will come in handy in battle.

Context reframing is also used in a broader sense. If a child has difficulties with behavior, then in the martial arts section his militant character can be put to good use.

The person is talkative, but at certain moments his talkativeness will be useful. You won’t get bored with him, an awkward silence never hangs with him, he will take the conversation with those with whom you yourself do not want to talk.

Helping Others: Applying Appropriate Reframing

Is it possible to use reframing to help another see the situation in a new way? Yes, but there are several important nuances.

Relevance. A person may not agree with what you offer him. In some situations, your advice can be annoying. It all depends on the specific case, the mood of the interlocutor and how ready the person is to agree with a different view of reality.

“It’s hard for a friend right now – he was fired, you want to support and say:“ Finally you can fly on vacation, there was no rest for 10 years, ”explains Natalia Oshemkova. – If a person is internally ready for such a turn – tired, felt stress at work – he can be happy.

But it is unlikely that your joy will cause counter positive emotions if a friend was fired unexpectedly, and he needs to feed his family, pay a mortgage. Reframing in this case will be a manifestation of tactlessness on your part.

If the situation allows, you can use the technique with the word “but” when we are looking for advantages against the background of a lack. It usually works well.

“My husband gave me a phone that was too big.” “But it has a big screen, it’s easy to read.”

“I have such a small car, it’s cramped.” “But it’s easier to find a parking space and it’s convenient to maneuver.”

“I tore my favorite skirt.” “But now you will update your wardrobe and buy a new one.”

Deep meaning. Reframing helps you find secondary benefits. Sometimes behind external manifestations – fear, illness, aggression, apathy – the secret message of our unconscious is hidden. Unraveling it is an important task.

Let’s say a colleague is going to give a public speech, and he has a panic: his arms and legs are trembling, there is a lump in his throat. Or a person was seized by an attack of procrastination, which is usually scolded and explained by laziness and lack of concentration. Both can be a defense mechanism.

Fear of public speaking and giving it up under the pretense of trembling knees satisfies the need for security and protects against failure. Procrastination saves from banal overwork. It prevents a person from wasting the last important resources and makes him rest at a time when he does not take care of himself.

You can talk to a colleague and help him understand what lies behind the obvious symptoms. But sometimes it is available only to a specialist.

“A person is not a fool to do bad things to himself,” says Natalya Oshemkova. – If something is repeated many times, it makes some sense. Let’s say a client comes to me and complains that his “lazy part” puts spokes in the wheels of the “non-lazy” one. Our first step is to understand what is good and useful for him “laziness”. Reframing is a very important part of psychotherapy.”

However, very often people are not ready either for such explanations or for a direct question: “What is your benefit from this or that situation?” Most of us will find a psychologist at least strange if he asks: “What good does your illness bring you?” Some may react quite aggressively, because in this way their condition may seem like a simulation.

“But if a person does something good for himself, even in such a strange way, it is very important for us to keep this good,” continues Natalia. “A look from the other side will help you figure out: what else do you need to think about, what else to pay attention to, why does the body resist so much?”

Pros and cons: practicing wording

There is an exercise that will help you get your hand in the application of reframing. Choose a specific situation (it’s easier to start with a neutral one) and select theses with a plus sign and a minus sign. This is not about making a decision, but about the very habit of considering what is happening from different angles.

Let’s practice on this situation: a person often and for a long time spends time in a cafe with friends.

Pros:

– Pays attention to friends, supports.

– He is sociable, sociable, quickly makes acquaintances.

– Constantly learns something new

– Includes positive emotions.

– Takes care of himself, saving time on cooking and shopping.

Cons:

– Spending money on expensive meals.

– Eats food of unknown origin.

– Does not develop at this time: could do work, study, achieve goals.

– He does the same thing regularly, but he could take up an interesting and new hobby.

– He has little contact with his family.

Help yourself by asking, “How else can you describe the same situation? In what context would I rate this behavior differently? What words would I find if I were a friend or lawyer of the subject under discussion, and vice versa, what would I say if I definitely wanted to put him in a bad light?

The more items in each column, the more voluminous the picture will seem to you. You may be able to pick up just one or two theses at first, but gradually, by practicing every day, you will learn to see more options. And, as a result, more opportunities to solve the problem. This means that you will gain greater flexibility and freedom in choosing your reactions.