Contents
Explained — warned — punished.
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When a child behaves badly, there is no task to punish him: there is a task to stop his problematic behavior (and in a good way, to involve him in something good, fun and useful). So, if the situation with the child is not yet completely running, then the easiest option is to warn the child that if he does not stop the disgrace, he will be punished in a way known to him. When the coming punishment is known, and the warning sounds so that you can’t confuse it with anything, then the chances of a reasonable solution to the issue are high. Clever children do not want obvious troubles for themselves and stop outrages.
When the relationship is normal, you don’t even need to invent anything. From the Internet: “When outrageous things bloom in full force, and the child ignores requests, I say: “Alice, now mom will get angry, and we will swear! Is that what you want?» Usually it works 2-3 times after 1. It suits me … »
However, sometimes warnings can be given more seriously, and then the child will learn to respond to them more reliably. As a pedagogical technique, a warning in the form of “One! two! three!» came from Canada. The fact is that in Canada strict laws have been adopted regarding the upbringing of children: children cannot only be beaten and severely punished, but even scolded, since all this is considered disrespectful to the personality of the child. You can easily be reported to the police by passers-by, neighbors, and even the children themselves, and for breaking the law, the parent will have to pay a serious fine or even spend several days behind bars. And what should poor parents do now when their child is divorced? How to call a child to order when no humane means can calm the child down?
Canadians even came up with a special word to denote a violent state in children — “tantrum”. The tantrum of the child causes a state of impotence in the parent, and if he is very worried, then he also falls into the state of tantrum. Those. the parent also becomes violent, ceases to control himself, begins to punish the child and break the law … According to studies, the state of «tantrum» is observed in at least 80% of children, that is, almost every parent faces this.
It was necessary to come up with a method of effective punishment without the use of violence, and such a method for Canadians was the 1-2-3 method described in Thomas Phelan’s book “1-2-3 Magic. Effective Discipline for children 2-12”.
In fact, of course, there is violence in the 1-2-3 method. It’s just that humanists consider such violence acceptable, since the actions of a parent with this approach do not humiliate the child’s personality.
So how is it done? If a child dangerously indulges, teases, riots, hooligans, fights and so on is outrageous, then in order to stop him,
- Take it easy. The warning is more effective when the parent appears calm and confident. No conversations, quarrels, showdown. Account only. Moreover, the less emotion on your face and in your voice, the better.
- Say in a stern voice, “I’m counting to three. Once!».
- Wait 5 seconds.
- If the outrage continues: «Two!».
- Wait 5 seconds.
- If everything is the same, say: «Three.»
- If you counted to three, then punishment should follow from your side.
What is the punishment?
If you are at home, then the most common is the time-out method (interrupting contact). You take the child by the hand and take him to his room, removing all electronic entertainment from there. Books and simple games can be left, but the phone, iPads and read the joys of life, including friends — the child loses all this. If the child obeys you, then it’s even easier to put him on a chair next to you, let him sit alone and get a little bored.
If the child does not obey you at all, does not sit on a chair, comes out of the corner and runs away from his room, then his actions must be physically blocked (hold the door or stand in the doorway, blocking the exit), and you just need to endure crying and screaming. Actually, crying and screaming are not harmful to the health of the child, and reasonable people around you will support you.
It is more difficult to use this method in a public place, but if not everything is terribly neglected and you have already successfully used this approach at home, then it will help you both on the street and in the supermarket. In a supermarket, you can use a shopping cart (put a child there), or a public toilet, or a corner of the store as a punishment room. Alternatively, you just leave the supermarket … If you took the child by the hand, it’s easier to deal with the child, and if you left the supermarket, leaving him there, then, of course, you didn’t completely leave, but just pretended to leave , and observe what is happening hidden.
If a child misbehaves in the car, again, you need to start counting. Punishment: You stop on the side of the road and don’t go anywhere until everyone calms down, or you turn around and go home instead of for a walk.
If the timeout in your performance does not work in any way, the next effective punishment option is deprivation. You deprive the child of what he wants: deprive him of dessert, send his friends home, turn off the TV, take away his favorite game, put the child to bed earlier, or take a few coins from his piggy bank.
Answers to frequently asked questions
- «Why 1-2-3 and not less?» — We give the child two attempts to come to his senses, to change.
- “What if the child imitates you and begins to count himself?” — Ignore it.
- “What to do if there are doubts: to count or not to count?” — If you are not sure about something, consider it. In the future, make a list of misdeeds that you need to stop with “One! two! three!». To compile such a list, you can involve a child, it will be useful primarily for him.
- “Is it possible to consider different bad behaviors as one sequence if the child has separated?” — Can. So, for example, if a child pushed his sister, we count «This is one»; rolls the dice, we keep counting «That’s two»; then screaming and screeching while counting, we say «It’s three.»
What will be the results?
About half of the children need only one punishment to understand everything and no longer test your patience. The other half will test you for strength, and the next 7-10 days will be difficult tests for you. Hold on — your child will obey you. Give up — your child will control you, and, in fact, deprived you of parental rights. Whether it suits you — decide for yourself.
The strength of this technique is its versatility. An adult reacts to any hooligan actions of a child in the same way: he starts counting, and the child stops. And although the method does not solve all educational problems, it helps an adult cope with the strongest manipulations of a child and correctly solves the issue of power in the family. The adult is in charge, and the child obeys him. It should be so, because it is from such a situation that both benefit — both the adult and the child.
Where does this method fail? What are the limits of its application?
This method works best for children between 2 and 12 years old. If the child is younger or older, it may no longer work.
This method is good at stopping unwanted «here and now» behavior, but only for a short time. The count encourages the child to do what is required, but not for long: the effect lasts from a few seconds to several minutes.
If you want the child to stop something, this method is suitable, but if you want the child to start something, the method is much less suitable. If a child takes a spoon and starts throwing porridge, this behavior can be stopped. But if you want the child to eat porridge on a plate, then you will have to literally stand over him and mutter «One, two, three!» whenever he gets stubborn. This in itself is stupid and inefficient, so other methods should be used in such situations.
The 1-2-3 method should not be used if the child is sick, already experiencing pain and other negative experiences. The parent should also remember that during its use disputes, screams, bashing, showdown are not allowed. Conflicts dampen the effectiveness of the method. Parents first need to calm down, learn to control themselves, improve their relationships and mutual understanding, and then demand the same from their beloved offspring. In addition, it is worth remembering that the simplest solution is not always the most effective. Bad behavior is often a signal that a child needs more of our attention and love. Therefore, in addition to punishments and threats of punishments, encouragements and strokes should be enough in the life of a child. It is important to understand the motive for bad behavior — after all, sometimes it is the result of the parent’s own actions.
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