One of the characteristic features of the older preschool age, as already noted, is the intensive development of abstract thinking, the ability to generalize, classify, realize the categories of time and space, search for answers to the questions: “Where did everything come from?”, “Why do people live?”.
At this age, the experience of interpersonal relationships is formed, based on the child’s ability to accept and play roles, anticipate and plan the actions of another, understand his feelings and intentions. Relations with people become more flexible, versatile and at the same time purposeful. Formed: a system of values (value orientations), a sense of home, kinship, an understanding of the importance of the family for procreation.
Until the age of 5, boys can solemnly declare to their mothers their desire to marry her when they grow up, and girls — to marry their father. From 5 to 8 years old, they «marry» or «get married» mainly to their peers, thus reproducing the form of adult relationships in a game situation.
In general, children of older preschool age are characterized by sociability and the need for friendship. There is a noticeable predominance in the kindergarten group of communication with peers of the same sex, acceptance among which is essential for self-affirmation and adequate self-esteem.
6-year-old children have already developed an understanding that in addition to good, kind and sympathetic parents, there are also bad ones. The bad ones are not only those who treat the child unfairly, but also those who quarrel and cannot find agreement among themselves. We find reflection in age-typical fears of devils as violators of social rules and established foundations, and at the same time as representatives of the other world.
Obedient children who have experienced a feeling of guilt characteristic of age in violation of the rules and regulations in relation to authoritative persons significant to them are more susceptible to the fear of devils.
At the age of 5, transient obsessive repetitions of “indecent” words are characteristic, at the age of 6, children are overcome by anxiety and doubts about their future: “What if I won’t be beautiful?”, “What if no one will marry me?”, in the 7-year-old, suspiciousness is observed: “Won’t we be late?”, “Will we go?”, “Will you buy it?”
Age-related manifestations of obsession, anxiety and suspiciousness themselves disappear in children if the parents are cheerful, calm, self-confident, and also if they take into account the individual and gender characteristics of their child.
Punishment for obscene words should be avoided by patiently explaining their unacceptability and at the same time providing additional opportunities to relieve nervous tension in the game. It also helps to establish friendly relations with children of the opposite sex, and here you can not do without the help of parents.
Anxious expectations of children are dispelled by calm analysis, authoritative explanation and persuasion. With regard to suspiciousness, the best thing is not to reinforce it, to divert the attention of the child, to run with him, play, cause physical fatigue and constantly express your own firm confidence in the certainty of the events taking place.
As already mentioned, a parent of the same sex enjoys exceptional authority among older preschoolers. He is imitated in everything, including habits, demeanor and style of relationship with a parent of the opposite sex, whom they still love. In this way, a model of family relationships is established.
Note that emotionally warm relations with both parents are possible only if there is no conflict between adults, since at this age children, especially girls, are very sensitive to family relationships (as well as to the attitude of other people significant to them).
The authority of the parent of the same sex is reduced due to emotionally unacceptable behavior for the child and the inability to stabilize the situation in the family. Then, in the imaginary game «Family», children, especially girls, less often choose the role of a parent of the same sex, there is no desire to do everything like «dad» or «mother». They try to be only themselves or choose the role of a parent of the opposite sex, which in both cases is atypical in the older preschool age.
If for various reasons in childhood there are problems, frictions, conflicts in relationships with a parent of the same sex, then this contributes to the emergence of problems, frictions, conflicts in the upbringing of one’s own children. So, if a girl experienced the authoritarian influence of her mother in childhood, then, becoming a mother herself, she will be emphatically strict and principled with the child in some way, which will cause him a reaction of protest or neurotic disorders.
A boy who was not the Son of the Father in childhood, deprived of his positive influence, may not become the Father of the Son and pass on to him his adequate experience of gender-role behavior and protection from everyday dangers and fears.
In addition, the divorce of parents in children of older preschool age has a greater adverse effect on boys than on girls. The lack of influence of the father in the family or his absence can make it most difficult for boys to develop sex-appropriate communication skills with peers, cause self-doubt, a sense of powerlessness and doom in the face of danger, albeit imaginary, but filling consciousness.
So, a 6-year-old boy from an incomplete family (his father left after a divorce) was terribly afraid of Zmey Gorynych. “He breathes and that’s it,” was how he explained his fear. By «everything» he meant death. No one knows when the Serpent Gorynych may fly, having risen from the depths of his subconscious, but it is clear that he can suddenly capture the imagination of a boy defenseless in front of him and paralyze his will to resist.
The presence of a constant imaginary threat indicates the absence of psychological protection, not formed due to the lack of adequate father influence.
The boy does not have a defender who could kill the Serpent Gorynych, and from whom he could take an example, as from the fabulous Ilya Muromets.
Or let us cite the case of a 5-year-old boy who was afraid of “everything in the world”, was helpless and at the same time declared: “I am like a man.” He owed his infantility to an anxious and overprotective mother who wanted to have a girl and did not take into account his desire for independence in the first years of his life. The boy was drawn to his father and strove to be like him in everything. But the father was removed from the upbringing by the domineering mother, blocking all his attempts to exert any influence on his son.
The impossibility of identifying with the role of a tight-fisted and non-authoritative father in the presence of a restless and overprotective mother — this is the family situation that contributes to the destruction of activity and self-confidence in boys.
One day we drew attention to a confused, shy and timid boy of 7 years old who could not draw a whole family in any way, despite our request. He drew separately either himself or his father, not realizing that the drawing should include both his mother and his older sister. He also could not choose the role of father or mother in the game and become himself in it. The impossibility of identification with the father and his low authority were due to the fact that the father constantly came home tipsy and immediately went to bed. He referred to men «living behind the closet» — inconspicuous, quiet, disconnected from family problems and not involved in raising children.
The boy could not be himself either, since his domineering mother, having been defeated by her father, who was leaving her influence, tried to take revenge in the fight for her son, who, according to her, looked like a despised husband in everything and was just as harmful , lazy, stubborn. It must be said that the son was unwanted, and this constantly affected the attitude of his mother towards him, who was strict with the emotionally sensitive boy, endlessly reprimanded him and punished him. In addition, she overprotected her son, kept her under vigilant control and stopped any manifestations of independence.
It is not surprising that he soon became «harmful», in the mother’s mind, because he tried to somehow prove himself, and to her it reminded him of his father’s former activity. This is what frightened the mother, who does not tolerate any disagreements, seeking to impose her will and subjugate everyone. She, like the Snow Queen, sat on a throne of principles, commanding, pointing, emotionally inaccessible and cold, not understanding the spiritual needs of her son and treating him like a servant. The husband began to drink at one time as a sign of protest, defending himself from his wife with «alcoholic non-existence.»
In a conversation with the boy, we found not only age-related fears, but also many fears coming from the previous age, including punishment from the mother, darkness, loneliness and closed space. The most pronounced was the fear of loneliness, and this is understandable. He has no friend and protector in the family, he is an emotional orphan with living parents.
Unjustified severity, cruelty of the father in relations with children, physical punishment, ignoring spiritual needs and self-esteem also lead to fears.
As we have seen, the forced or conscious substitution of the male role in the family by a domineering mother not only does not contribute to the development of self-confidence in boys, but also leads to the appearance of lack of independence, dependence, helplessness, which are breeding grounds for the propagation of fears that inhibit activity and interfere with self-affirmation. .