Parents often misinterpret adolescent behavior, and vice versa. These mistakes cost us and the child dearly. We are shocked by his aggressive behavior, and he feels misunderstood and rejected. What can be done to finally hear each other?
Raising a teenager is one of the most difficult challenges for parents. In this troubled age, children want independence. Attempts to lead them are often reacted by shouting, slamming doors and locking themselves in their room. Most adults are well aware of such situations, but they have no idea how to deal with them.
A study by psychologists at the University of California, Riverside is helping to shed light on how conflicts at home and problem behavior in teens are linked, and how parents can deal with these conflicts. After analyzing data from 220 parents and their teenage children, the authors of the study found an interesting pattern.
It turned out that adolescents mistakenly evaluate the reaction of their parents in conflict situations, considering it to be much sharper and more negative than the parents themselves meant. For example, a parent just advises: “Put it out of your head!” – and the child already feels rejected and unnecessary.
The way a father responds to a teenager’s negative emotions can heighten or mitigate his aggressive behavior.
However, this misunderstanding is often mutual, which can lead to sad consequences. Thus, if parents perceive a teenager’s hypersensitivity as something negative, this increases the risk of developing a tendency to delinquency. If a teenager finds the method of punishment too harsh, they are more likely to snap, run away from home, and break family rules.
There is a clear gender division in the results of the study. For example, when mothers misinterpret a teenager’s anger and react negatively to it, the child is more likely to argue, run away, or withdraw. But with fathers in such a situation, adolescents often behave aggressively.
“Adolescents’ relationships with fathers are less well understood than with mothers, but what is known is that a father’s response to a teenager’s negative emotions can heighten or mitigate his aggressive behavior,” explains Misaki Natsuaki, one of the authors of the study and an associate professor of psychology at the University of California.
Several factors come into play here. As teenagers grow up, their hormones are churning, causing emotions that seem incredibly intense. Moreover, as a rule, children are sure that no one except their peers will understand them and will not help.
As a result, unable to find a common language with his parents, the teenager tries to defend his interests through aggression. In fact, he just wants to be heard.
Teenagers, even with all their mood swings, can understand and accept different points of view.
At the same time, parents need to deal with their own transition and anxiety, because a child’s teenage years are not the best time for moms and dads. Recent studies have even linked adolescence to maternal depression. Adolescents try to become more independent, defy restrictions, and adults in response may feel hurt and overreact.
As a rule, parents see themselves as more caring and generous than they really are. Therefore, they often underestimate the impact of their words and actions on children.
Although conflicts between parents and children are a part of any family life, relationships with teenagers can be improved by giving them the opportunity to share their opinions about parenting decisions. “When a teenager withdraws into himself, parents need to find out what exactly the son or daughter heard, and then discuss any differences in views on parenting,” says Natsuaki.
Speaking frankly about differences in perception between children and their families will help parents and teens get to know each other better.
It’s important to remember that teenagers, even with all their mood swings, can understand and accept different points of view, she says. In this they differ from the egocentric young children: they are capable of more complex complex thinking. Even when there are disagreements, teens lean towards logical reasoning despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Natsuaki argues that talking frankly about the difference in perception between children and their families will help parents and teenagers get to know each other better, and therefore become closer: “When parents give teenagers the opportunity to express their opinion, it helps to improve their logical reasoning skills, which in turn turn affects psychological health and happiness in the future life.