Psychologist Patri: «The worst thing you can do now is hide your head under the wing»

Psychologist Patri: «The worst thing you can do now is hide your head under the wing»

Psychology

The psychologist Patricia Ramírez, Patri psychologist, contributes in her latest work ‘We are strength’ useful emotional resources to overcome adversity and overcome crises

– Listen to the podcast with Patricia Ramirez about coexistence and relationships.

«I am one of those who, before the adversity, first I enter shock. In a kind of emotional block in which I neither feel nor suffer. I neither cry, nor am I happy, nor am I alarmed, nor do I relax. I go into a kind of observation state. Feeling uninformed at that moment leads me to become mute and not feel. And, of course, not to make decisions. When the alarm status, during the first week of confinement, I could not believe the turn that my life had taken. I wasn’t sad, or anxious, or even worried. ‘I’ve gotten off the world, which was spinning around me at full speed, and I don’t even know where I’m at,’ I told myself. ‘Watch, Patri, and when you feel ready, get on again,’ I ordered myself. Getting off the world lasted about a week. And as soon as my brain clicked, I became a solving machine. I am so. I invent, create and act»… The psychologist Patricia Ramírez, like almost everyone, was struck by a state of alarm with a jug of cold water but, as she reveals at the beginning of her book” We are strength “, the initial shock did not leave her frozen in stupor . He observed, analyzed and prepared his plan of action.

And this is precisely what he invites in his latest work: to act and face adversity, an element that, he explains, is part of life and we must accept.

In “We are strength” you reveal that mistakes, crises and failures do not provide us with learning, but rather leave us scars. This idea puts the dots on the i’s to all those who fill their mouths saying how much they will learn from the pandemic …

A small part of the population will learn, but what I explain in “We are strength” is that traumatic experiences, be they mistakes or crises, do not generate learning by the simple fact of living them. If you have a bad time and even think about how bad you have been, it will not change you. What is going to change you is that with what you have lived you develop an action plan so that you can generate that learning and that new knowledge. Committing to what you are experiencing during your crisis can generate change. To those who say that the pandemic will make us better people, we must say no, that we have already seen that it will not. After spending three months applauding on the balconies, many people (fortunately, not all) have behaved in an irresponsible way, forgetting what they experienced. Crises change us when we have the firm intention of wanting to change and you make a plan.

What does the “drake” lead us to (that term you coin and which symbolizes the union of drama and complaint) in which we seem to be installed?

The “drake” does not contribute much. We have a culture of complaining, saying what’s wrong, and criticizing, but then we don’t really see anyone mobilize. We criticize politicians, situations … etc., but we do not mobilize in any way to carry out an action plan and change what we do not like. What I suggest is that when you have a bad time and experience a crisis or injustice, the occasional “drake” can help us vent, share our emotions and bring out what we have inside so that it does not accumulate but we cannot be all the time. day being a traveling drama and complaining about what we don’t like. That will not change things. No one is going to come save you. The one who has to take responsibility for the change is oneself. And for that, once you’ve gotten it off your chest and put in a while even saying ‘look, I’m going to be crying for a week’, then it’s time to start observing to know what the problem is, what I have failed or what I am living and what Where does this crisis come from to be able to make proposals and changes despite my fears, insecurities or the pain that one carries.

We can get caught up in victimhood …

Yes, victimhood positions you as the losing and passive party. And from that position we usually feel insecure and that life owes us one. And if you have that feeling, you are waiting for life to give you back what it owes you. But you are the one who has to act so that when life puts a series of opportunities ahead of you, you are prepared to take advantage of them. But, honestly, life is not going to knock on the door and it is going to tell you “hey, since you had a partner who has ruined you, now I bring you the lotus bonus.” That’s not gonna happen. You have to get out of one and create new opportunities

You have often spoken in this time of pandemic fatigue, how do we get out of that loop if we continue without certainty

To beat the pandemic fatigue, which actually has the same consequences as any mental fatigue, we must act according to the symptoms we have, because not all of us have the same symptoms. There will be people who want to cry, others will have lost their illusion with work, others will be afraid of getting sick … Therefore, each one has to find a plan to get out of this symptom. But in general, we can work on the most basic things related to mood, physical activity, meditating, sleeping, eating well, resting …

Do we have to go back to routines?

Of course, it is important to maintain the routines that are good for us. The pandemic has changed many of them, especially those related to our social activity and our way of working, but we can maintain some and we can also take on new routines. We must also stay with the beautiful things or with those that have benefited us during these months, such as slowing down, for example.

The idea is to try manage our moods, assimilate new beneficial routines and hold on to those that we can maintain and practice the self-care. We are going to take care of ourselves and pamper ourselves, with routines as simple as hygiene or beauty, write our diary, have some reading time or take care of our hobbies … And also remember to pay attention to thought, because we cannot spend all day talking about Covid-19 , of vaccines, of pandemic fatigue, of infections … Look at the current political situation making it easy for us these days to talk about other things but no, we keep talking about the virus over and over again …

The word routine has always had a bad press, but now you present it to us as a savior.

Routines have always seemed wonderful to me but it is true that some people associate that word with boredom, with always doing the same thing and with a lack of spontaneity. But here you also have to have common sense. Let’s stay with the part of the routine that adds up, that is, the one that gives us order and security in life and that makes it easy for us. When you have a certain order when doing things, you facilitate the task for your brain. But, in addition, we should also introduce a bit of flexibility, improvisation and spontaneity.

You tell us about the culture of effort under the premise of “it is not about opening the eyes, but about opening the heart” …

Without effort and without work, even if you have an incredible talent, that talent will not live its splendor. But we also have to think that there is not always a direct relationship between the effort one invests and what one collects, because life does not always come face to face. Luck, destiny, environment and the people you surround yourself with play their part. But we must also know that effort, work and discipline increase the probability of getting what we want. Many times we try to shake those we see in crisis by telling them to put an attitude and put in effort, when in reality what is convenient is to “open their hearts more”, asking them how they are feeling, what is preventing them from moving forward and asking them how you can do it. help. Sometimes we think that we help someone by saying to wake up, to change their attitude and what we do is block them more.

Attitude is not everything …

It is not. Motivation gurus sell us that attitude is everything and that’s not true. It’s frustrating. It is not true that we have no ceiling or limit. Some people are born into a family in which they have more facilities. We have seen it in the pandemic, with teleworking and schools closed. Those families that had internet that suited them like a shot and several laptops at home have had it easier to study and telework than those who did not have internet or did not even have a computer. Tell that person to pull their attitude to work or for their children to study. It doesn’t seem fair to me. If you do, that person will feel tremendously frustrated because they will see that there is a huge difference with others who have it easier. Is attitude important? Of course. But let’s take into account other conditions to be more compassionate towards people, because if we cannot, we can feel guilty or frustrated. It must be borne in mind that sometimes the circumstances are not the best or the most fortunate.

In ‘We are strength’ you expose yourself personally and explain to us your way of acting in the face of adversity (observation-analysis-action), what attitudes are the ones that most harm us in the face of adversity?

The worst thing you can do in the face of adversity is stick your head under the wing or do the ostrich. Some people hide and do not want to face the part of the crisis that is controllable and what they do is increase it even more. That of being crazy and not picking up the phone, not opening the letters that come from the bank or not going to the lawyer’s appointment when my partner tells me that he wants to separate only lengthens the agony. All crises have a part that we have to accept, because it is given to us (due to a duel, a breakup, a dismissal …) and another part in which we can continue to intervene. But, in addition, each one has its own rhythm. I am one of the people who at the beginning is observing to know what is happening and to capture information, but then I become a solving machine. But there will be people who need a different rhythm or different times or even bloat up to cry. But once you have observed, cried, empathized or done what you need in that moment, you have to react. All crises need that at some point you react and star in your way out of it because they cannot come to rescue you. Do not hide and face because if you do not do it now, you will have to do it in a year or in five. Sooner or later we will have to do it. We cannot allow a crisis to get us down the road.

“We don’t lack talent, we lack confidence.” This other message from your book is reassuring …

We can act regardless of our insecurity, of course, but it is important to understand that all people have talents and competencies, but since we are not used to looking within and inquiring, but rather we are trained to criticize ourselves and see our shortcomings, we it’s hard to see what our worth is. Part of self-knowledge comes from looking at what I am passionate about, what I like, what I can do… because the more knowledge we have about that, the more confident we are going to feel. It is important to tell everyone that we all have a talent because we do things well that stand out above the average. Talent is related to any activity we do in life. And in that we have to trust. The more we trust in our talents, the more security and self-esteem we have and the easier it will be to make decisions, but on this path of rebuilding ourselves and believing in ourselves, insecurity moves forward, which can also do many things.

Why is it so hard for some people to ask for help?

Because they see it as a weakness. There are even some people who think that if they ask for help then they will have to pay it back and sometimes they don’t want to be in debt and they prefer to have that autonomy or they don’t want to look weak. There are many people who have made decisions in their life against what others thought and when they ask for help it seems that it is like admitting that they have been wrong. Asking for help is humbling and you have to ask for it because there are so many people around who are willing to help and do not know how, that if we make it easier for them, they can help us to feel better.

With the concept of complacency you turn the tables because it was always sold as an anti-value

Is a value! The RAE says that it is satisfaction for one’s own actions or for one’s own condition or way of being. It is something wonderful. It is a step beyond the acceptance because it is learning to be comfortable with our way of being, with our physique, with who we are… And that does not mean that people cannot continue working on their changes. You can want more, of course you do, but be aware that with what you are now, you are wonderful and enjoy this moment while you are surpassing yourself in whatever else you want, but you cannot be rejecting yourself until you reach the level of what you want. you want to get because then: Do we accept ourselves when we are 50 or 60 years old? And the rest of the way we criticize ourselves? I think not, that this is not the case.

So let’s go back to values ​​as a basis to grow in the face of adversity?

Yes, it was actually something we enjoyed during confinement. We felt the generosity of the neighbor, we went out to the balcony to applaud, we lived a feeling of belonging that comforted us at that time … But with this, the same thing happens as with learning after a crisis. If we do not continue working actively on this change of values, then we will forget it and we will tend again to irresponsibility, to selfishness and to each one looking for his own … We have to make an effort to preserve those values ​​because we have verified that they make us feel good even if it is more comfortable to do our thing …

About the author

Patricia Ramírez, Patri Psychologist, is, in addition to being a psychologist, writer, lecturer and disseminator in the media (press, radio and television) and social networks (where she has more than one million followers). She is a contributor to ABC Bienestar and every month she poses a self-knowledge challenge on her blog «On Monday I start».

Graduated in Psychology, she has a master’s degree in Clinical and Health Psychology and a doctorate in the Department of Personality, Evaluation and Psychological Treatment at the University of Granada.

She is the author of 10 books, among which are ‘Train yourself for life’, ‘This is how you lead, this is how you compete’, ‘Count on you’, ‘If you were to go out to live’, ‘Debut optimism’, ‘Educate with serenity’ and ‘Ten ways to burden you with your relationship ‘(co-written with Silvia Congost).

He is a regular speaker on topics related to attitude, willpower, the ability to change, confidence, security, teamwork, leadership and optimism. She also gives weekly online workshops on anxiety and self-control.