Contents
I thank for the knowledge and inspiration of my Teacher, the creator of the synton approach and the University of Practical Psychology, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov
foreword
My acquaintance with practical psychology began in the 10th grade, when I moved from an ordinary school to the Michurin Lyceum and began attending classes in a psychological circle. Many thanks to Elena Vasilievna Polushkina for organizing exciting classes and giving us good books to read, most of which were books by Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov. The professor explained in a very simple way what was happening. So that even a schoolboy could understand! And he gave birth to a grain of interest in this area.
Nikolai Ivanovich said then and continues to say now: do not engage in “psychology”, do not complicate things. The practical psychology of healthy people is simple and natural; it does not require a ton of complex terms and incomprehensible schemes. Live a simple right life, and psychological ailments in the form of anxiety, depression and permanent irritability will not threaten you.
I will not lie, I did not immediately believe Nikolai Ivanovich. When they tell you that everything is simple, it’s hard to believe it, right? So I began to study different areas of psychology. Frightening hallucinations of psychoanalysts, endless torments and doubts of existentialists, iridescent fantasies of representatives of the humanistic direction, clear-cut concepts of the cognitive-behavioral approach. The poles began to emerge: which concepts are tested and verifiable and which ones are just a figment of the imagination of a single specialist. The second category is directions with vivid literary and artistic descriptions, but in essence suggestions in places — [in my subjective opinion] nonsense, moreover, harmful to the psyche. The first category — where about research, about the brain, about patterns that can be tracked and verified — turned out to be closer to me. I refer to the synton approach of Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov as “verifiable and valid”. And although this school did not conduct its own large studies, all the exercises and techniques of the approach are aimed at what the recognized effective schools of psychotherapy say: working with the body, changing thinking habits, creating a supportive environment and positive suggestions, and bringing the look “from inside out” . In the synthon approach, all this is called “Simple Right Life”, and those who live according to such laws are objectively more prosperous compared to those who live according to other laws.
I want to emphasize that perfection in psychological well-being is difficult to achieve, because life constantly gives us reasons for anxiety, and for sadness, and for experiences. The difference is in how people perceive what is happening and what they do in connection with it. Life psychologists are not robotic monsters with perfect values and completely controlled emotions, but those who have enough tools to overcome difficulties.
Many opponents of practical psychology and self-development say: “So, psychologist, everything is perfect with you now?” Such provocative questions are usually based on a thinking error called «dichotomy» — this is the tendency to divide into «black or white», «all or nothing». Generalizing “blacks separately, whites separately” is easier for the brain, but it is important to remember that the world is much more multi-colored and diverse than it seems, and the absolute in some way, purely statistically, is extremely rare.
So, I will summarize. A good psychologist for himself, his family and his business is not the one who “everything is perfect”, but the one who has a set of different options in his arsenal, how to overcome the complexity, the one who tries to do it and succeeds in it. I wrote this training book specifically to help its readers expand their horizons and build in one, the most important, in my opinion, thesis. Instead of getting stuck on the negative, it’s better to use the toggle switch and switch to something else. It’s quite simple, and the benefits of such a strategy are numerous! And there are many ways. Some of them, which I personally use in my work and life, are described in detail in this book.
How I wrote this book
If you are interested in the personal history of the author — read, if you need technology right away — scroll on. But without a personal story at the beginning of the book — nothing.
Most books on practical psychology begin with this. A person who discovered some way, found a good solution, succeeded — wants to share his experience and wisdom with other people, to help them go their way easier, easier, more conscious. This is embedded in our culture and seems natural, especially at the time of the all-accessible Internet and complete freedom of expression.
This book is also based on real events, and I cannot say that not a single person was harmed in the course of this story. I suffered, and how! It suffered with a capital letter and, so to speak, with heartfelt pleasure, long languor and a bitter aftertaste.
[all characters are real, one person was hurt during the writing]
I don’t see much point in describing the whole tragedy of my story called “Everything was magical, and then the world collapsed” at the beginning of the book. I’ll probably take it to the last chapter called “Snot” or take it out of the scope of this project altogether. Who cares — go to my page vk.com/heilen, if you dig there, you can find the details.
If you immediately go to the summary, then in the end I “clicked off”. How different people think differently. Depending on how the neural pathways were formed, for one, for example, a relationship is “the one and only, dear half,” and for another, “two weeks of worrying is enough.” Each person lives in his own reality, and these are different worlds, parallel universes and completely different stories. Two people put their images, their “fairy tales” into the same word. You react this way because you have such a “fairy tale”. And whoever has a different “fairy tale” perceives the same events in a completely different way.
It would seem a banality, vulgarity, a truism. Everyone knows this. But knowing and realizing are different things. Having an opinion and understanding the mechanics and methodology are different layers of awareness. Reading in a book and feeling through personal experience experienced on your own skin are not the same thing.
So, thanks to one story from the category of “I thought happiness, but, no, experience again!”, In the end, it snapped off. A map was opened to me with the title «How thinking works and how to turn it from minus to plus.» More precisely, a whole deck of cards, some of which I want to give to the reader of this book. I am sure that the described keys will suit you and help you solve your problems and overcome difficulties. Some will become just diamonds, having which in your arsenal, you will say: “Yes, this is it! This is a miracle! Relieved, helped! Some will become just working methods or remain “for information”. What will go more depends on the «assembly» of all the fairy tales in your head.
Some techniques may already be familiar. Some ideas, I hope, will be new, and the execution of tasks will be exciting. There will be no such thing that the whole book captures one hundred percent from beginning to end. But, in any case, you will get a lot of valuable ideas that will come in handy and at the right time will make the necessary “Click!”
What is a «negative story»?
The original title of the book was «Negative Fairy Tale». Simply because I love this synthonic approach metaphor!
What is a «negative story»? By and large, the same as the «positive fairy tale». It’s all. That is, in general, everything. Any representation of something, any intellectual object to which we are related, that is, we perceive with emotion.
He said: “Only you, only with you, only to you,” and then disappeared. What is your attitude towards this? what do you think about it? — This is your story.
And in the opposite direction. All his: “I promise” is his fairy tale, intertwined with other fairy tales.
If this example is not relevant, think about which one is relevant. What is it about in your life?
The idea of oneself, ideas about other people, any “should” and “usually”, the very habit of thinking about something or not thinking — these are all fairy tales. Any emotion that you give out is the soundtrack to your fairy tale. A tendency to exaltation or melancholy and being in any of the possible states are fairy tales.
You know what I mean?
Why I wrote the book specifically about negative fairy tales is also probably understandable. There is more focus on them, there are more problems and questions with them. It is negative fairy tales that bring the most trouble and take away the most lives, taking them away from those who have lost their meaning, lost in their dark labyrinths of inner fairy tales.
They did not know that it was easy enough to go to the bright side, where there are cookies and long-term plans. Painstakingly and in some places not from the first time, but from the fiftieth attempt, but it’s not technically difficult, for sure. You just need to perform some new rituals, day after day rewriting the program code of your fairy tales in those places where the «pichalka» lurked. In this way, thinking will gradually change, and negative fairy tales will no longer be so magnetically inviting. Here is such a fairy tale!
In scientific language, the book is devoted to stopping neurotic radicals, rumination utilization, elimination of emotional imbalance and debunking of cognitive errors. It is based on the experience of verified psychotherapeutic techniques, through the prism of personal experience. The synton approach prefers not to complicate the vocabulary, but to use simple words and understandable metaphors, so I will write about negative fairy tales and tumblers, and not just that.
What do I mean by tumblr?
Imagine a switch that has an «on» and «off» position.
Alas, but “On” for negative emotions, experiences, meaningless mental chewing gum for most of us turns on automatically, by itself. Well, that’s how it is culturally. As Keanu Reeves said about the Russians: “I would, in fact, also smile a little if I lived in an arthouse around the clock.” Although, judging by the statistics of depressive disorders in developed countries, people have a hard time without arthouse.
And everything is based on one interesting physiological feature. When the human brain is not busy solving a specific problem, for example, does not come up with the text of this book, does not read, does not do some calculations in a state of deep puzzlement, then thoughts inevitably begin to wander. Modern science says that this process is natural and merciless, that is, it is impossible to control it consciously. Flashes of short automatic thoughts will emerge in the mind, regardless of our will.
Like those famous behavioral experiments.
What happens if an animal is placed in a sound chamber, where there are no sounds, lights or other irritants?
The animal will fall asleep.
What happens if a person is placed in such conditions? He will certainly rest a little. But after some time, the brain will begin to actively hallucinate, throw up different images and generate a stream of thoughts. The brain is so arranged, it cannot be otherwise.
But there is also good news:
First, not all of this chewing gum is negative. And its coloring directly depends on what we consciously loaded into the brain, what circumstances, stimuli, new inputs and tasks were organized for it.
Secondly, even if you catch yourself at the moment when the negative fairy tale is in the “On” position, and you are sausage, you can make a minimal effort and switch. Most likely, you will need to click this toggle switch more than once, but this book is written for this. Here are dozens of different options for how to do this. Methods are simple and complex, short and time-consuming, funny and serious, for every taste. Load this new code into the brain in a whole package, learn new options for action, get new experience, and the brain will continue to do the work itself: process this information, shovel it, look for new meanings. The brain is like a fire. If you throw good firewood into it, it will burn joyfully and cheerfully.
So let me reiterate what this book is about.
first. About «negative tales», that is, maladaptive perception of reality, unpleasant thoughts and mental chewing gum taste of cinchona.
Second. About «tumblers», that is, techniques that switch this taste to another, neutral or more pleasant one. We do not have the task of succumbing to the all-or-nothing dichotomy, jumping from negativity to unbridled fun. It is enough just to switch to something else, less traumatic. I will repeat this idea many times so that it sits deeper in the brain. And if you can switch immediately to the positive — that’s great!
“Positive Fairy Tale” is, of course, also a fairy tale. Any of our assessments is a fairy tale, a hallucination. But hallucinating with a plus sign for personal health and influence on others is more useful. People who stink of negativity poison their lives and themselves and others, agree? If there is negativity, it is better to clear thoughts and words and get in the habit of switching the toggle switch from negative to positive.
What ideas do you take from this fragment of the book? What words «came in» and left an imprint in the memory?
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Each article in the book will have tables and lines for handwriting answers. I highly recommend doing this!
You can fill in the tables right in the book, but even better is to buy a separate notebook or notepad, in which you can record not only the proposed techniques, but also all your thoughts. In most schools of psychotherapy, it is recommended to write something by hand, fill out tables, and keep diaries. This helps to better remember the material, to fix it in memory. When you write something on paper, you remember not only the meaning of the words, but also the handwriting, the location on the sheet, the location in the notebook itself (it was on the first pages or closer to the end), the color of the text, etc. If the inscriptions are different , with color highlighting and highlighting headings, then the material is more likely to be remembered at the right time. And that’s exactly what we need.
It is better that it be one whole notebook, and not scattered sheets of A4. There is already enough chaos and disorder in our head, and then collecting sheets with notes around the house is an extra load on the brain. And our task is to make it as easy as possible for him to work on the path to change!
Enough preludes, it’s time to get closer to the techniques themselves.
Day and night switches
I conditionally divide all the techniques described in this book into daytime and nighttime.
Daytime toggle switches help you switch from mental chewing gum, negative assessments and other empty thoughts during the day. After all, it turns out so stupidly when there are a lot of important things to do, and you get stuck for a long time thinking about some garbage, right?
Does this happen to you too?
And especially sensitive persons also have a state up to affect, when some thought excites so much, causes such emotions that all other activity is paralyzed for a long time.
What, nafig, report, when is SUCH here?
I give this example not to shame. This, in fact, can happen and happens to almost all people. Even the most pumped and enlightened are not completely immune from this. But. Forewarned and trained means forearmed. In an armed state, there are more chances not to let this farce of thoughts onto the stage. Because when he is already on stage and performs his favorite hits to the fullest, it is a little more difficult to stop this bacchanalia. Even if you are armed with psychological techniques.
So, daily toggle switches will help you switch from the negative to something more acceptable during the day. Remember. If it’s a day, and the situation with emotions and the flow of thoughts is out of control, daytime toggle switches will help you.
Night tumblers.
This is what comes at night, and now, when you go to bed, you ask yourself an old question … And further in the text, as the unforgettable Mike Naumenko sang. And he knew a lot about negative fairy tales, and, by the way, unfortunately, he ended badly.
In the evening, your body is hard. During the day, fatigue accumulates, muscle tension, stress and aggression hormones accumulate. Information about this cocktail enters the brain, which selects a “movie” on the internal screen that matches this hormonal background. In this case, gloomy thoughts come, as a rule, not because something is really bad in life, but simply because the state of fatigue contributes. Nothing personal! Only hormones, only hardcore. Well then, you know how it goes. And scary, and sad, and enrages from injustice or something else. Claims are both to oneself, and to others, and to the world, as it should be according to the depressive triad of Aaron Beck.
But there is good news!
There are a lot of night tumblers that help stop these terrible sufferings and forget the dream of a person who has overcome circumstances! You can choose one before bed or test several at a time to inevitably relax, calm down and fall asleep. You can, of course, continue to torment yourself before going to bed, choosing the path of least resistance. Just do nothing about it, suffer for several hours and fall asleep in the morning. But why? If there are a lot of ways — from primitive to refined (for connoisseurs of high Self-development), there are a lot of ways to turn off the light and fall asleep and sleep well. Not to do this and continue to suffer is strange and stupid. Better to do it and not suffer. The book will have many options for how.
Safety precautions: «From protection to study»
There is a cool exercise at the University of Practical Psychology, one of the first at the Distance. It is called «From Defense to Study».
What’s the point?
Our brain is endlessly striving to maintain its dynamic stereotypes. He seems to be saying: “You don’t have to climb and touch what is already working normally!” But this natural tendency to stability sometimes does not play in favor of a person. This is clearly seen when some kind of learning begins in some new way of responding. The brain throws up thoughts: “Yes, well, some kind of garbage”, “Ah, I already know this”, “Oh, I tried that, yes, everything is clear here”, “I did something like that, it didn’t work, I won’t try again” and other variations on the theme. There are many reasons, explanations, excuses not to perform some technique and leave everything as it is.
Think back to times when you were like this. Resistance to new experiences. In the form of fear and in the form of discredit and depreciation.
“Yes, how can you, old man / girl / loser (underline as necessary, you can substitute your own option) help me?”
It happens to everyone, don’t worry. Even if you completely trust an authoritative source that offers a technique, some neural ensemble will resist to take, strain and do what a smart person advises.
Therefore, we at the University immediately suggest taking an antidote on this topic and saying to ourselves:
“I’m moving from defense to study. I will first try and do what they advise, test, get results for analysis, and then I will draw conclusions based on experience. I do not argue and do not resist, but I check. If it has helped hundreds and thousands of people, then at least there is something in it, and it will be useful to know what is good about it.
What theses from the previous pages caused you internal resistance? Maybe there is something in this? Write down your thoughts on this matter and translate what you need, according to the meaning, into the position of “study” from the position of “protection”.
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It will be useful to set yourself up for the learning process and program yourself to “do not defend, but study.” Students in this position work easier and more fun.
Most of the techniques presented in the book are from the Synton approach, not from psychotherapy. What is the difference?
Psychotherapy (alleviation of suffering) — usually goes through the «treatment of the soul.» The synthon approach is teaching a healthy person new techniques according to the principle: “do not treat where you can teach, do not go into the depth of causes where you can give a tool that can be used here and now.”
I like to read the texts of psychotherapists, they are metaphorical and beautiful. One of my favorite quotes on the topic of psychotherapy, which, in my opinion, reflects the essence of the work of many of my colleagues: “The meeting of the therapist and the client is the meeting of two freaks. One has scars, the other has wounds.
Scars are a negative experience and an experience of overcoming difficulties. With wounds — and so it is clear.
Do you have wounds that hurt now? Resentment against someone, an actual conflict, a painful question for yourself? Yes, everyone has it. Each person is special, although, in fact, everyone suffers about the same topics. Except you, of course. Of course, no one else is in a situation like yours. You are the hardest.