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Calls like “Mother-in-law and mother-in-law, don’t spoil the blood of young people” do not surprise anyone: parents often terrorize the chosen ones of their children. And for many young wives, living with a mother-in-law turns out to be the No. 1 problem.
In fact, the mother-in-law can be understood. She gave you the most precious thing, and you want her to do it without regret and begin to live on, as if nothing had happened?
Try to put yourself in her place and live without paying attention to your «child». Another thing is how delicate these interventions are. But you, too, are not perfect. However, even an angelic character will not save you from the attacks of your mother-in-law.
The causes of the war
The dominant parenting style usually produces savory results. An overgrown son, when his peers have long advanced in life, remains dependent, uninitiative, unsure of himself. He made up his mind to get married. But, even having married, he cannot even take a step without receiving “good” from his mother.
It is difficult to change a sissy, he will still look into his mother’s mouth. And she will constantly remember her parting words and set her as an example to you. Mommy’s boys are tough nuts and it’s hard to live with him, even for women with a strong character.
Unhappy woman.
If a mother from childhood inspires her son that she cannot live without him and lives only for him, that she sacrificed her personal life to ensure a decent existence for him, then he has every chance to acquire a guilt complex for the mother’s failed happiness, and an exorbitant sense of duty , putting the mother in a privileged position, and an obsessive fear of losing her.
Having developed so many complexes in her son, the mother makes him unsuitable for marriage, and she herself becomes an unbearable mother-in-law.
In such situations, the son, on the one hand, feels himself indebted to his mother, and on the other hand, he feels an unconscious desire to live freely. This means that you have a chance to win this man over to your side if you act smartly, subtly and delicately. But it’s a long job.
Sometimes a woman spends almost the entire limit of emotions on others, for example, making a career, but in the end she does not receive any satisfaction. Then she tries to get from her son or daughter-in-law compensation for the forces and emotions wasted. If you are not ready to give her this emotional reinforcement, then become her number one enemy.
In such a situation, grandchildren, who are instilled with love for their grandmother, will help to live peacefully in marriage. The reciprocal emotional outburst of love from the mother-in-law partly compensates for her pseudo-altruistic attacks on her son and daughter-in-law.
Unclaimed woman
The mother-in-law, suffering from a lack of male attention and experiencing an acute need for it, can intrigue her daughter-in-law in order to switch the attention and sympathy of her son (the only man under her control) to herself. Moreover, she will not stand up for the price — both a quarrel and a provoked divorce will do.
By the way, one should not think that only single mothers suffer from “psychological incest”. A woman may be married, but dissatisfaction with her own marriage only spurs her jealousy of her daughter-in-law.
suffers from delusions of grandeur
She was once a luxurious woman and raised a superman (in her opinion), so any daughter-in-law should live under her supervision, as she does not reach the world standard — insufficiently educated, pretty, feminine, advanced, from the wrong family. In general, at your age she was a hundred times better, and on this basis she is ready to wipe you clean.
In such families, it usually smacks of an oedipal complex: the son idolizes his mother and at the same time feels discomfort from this dependence. You will have to live in the role of a psychotherapist helping the patient to overcome the subconscious complex of attachment to the mother.
The Empty Nest Crisis
It is especially acute for housewives, who are driven to despair by the thought that she will live alone, will become unnecessary when the children leave their parental walls. Very often in such cases, the condition for blessing the marriage is that the newlyweds live in the apartment of the husband’s parents. And if the newlyweds do not want to live in their parents’ house, the mother-in-law begins to consider her daughter-in-law a clear center of evil, who lured the «boy» from her native nest.
If the couple decides to live in the mother-in-law’s house, then the «empty nest» crisis can be transformed into a «crowded nest» crisis. The mother-in-law will fight her daughter-in-law for any reason, including the privilege of washing dishes or washing shirts. If the daughter-in-law wins some duties for herself, the mother-in-law will immediately criticize her — and you iron the collar crookedly, and you don’t interfere with the porridge. Therefore, family psychologists recommend that young couples, if possible, live separately from their parents.
Apple of discord
Some women who cannot live with their mother-in-law forget about the feelings that their husband has for this «shrew». It is also not easy for him when the women closest to him are at enmity.
Most men prefer to live neutrally in this situation, even when frying pans fly over their heads: what remains, because taking the side of one means betraying the other. But this does not mean that he is indifferent to what is happening. He is in constant tension. A compressed spring always expands. Do you think that by constantly arguing with your mother-in-law, you remain sweet and sexy in the eyes of your husband? Not!
A husband cannot live in constant tension. After a while, he may even wonder why he married you. And if you put forward an ultimatum: «Either I, or your mother,» he may make a choice not in your favor.
Of course, you have a trump card — sex, but he can have sex with another woman. And the mother is alone, and it is she who is responsible for the feeling of comfort and security within the family, and if all this is violated with your appearance, a man may well delete you from his life and live without you. Think about this before you cross swords with your mother-in-law.
Conditions for a peaceful life
If you try, you can live with your mother-in-law. The main thing is not to scatter mines of misunderstanding and disrespect around.
Take getting to know your parents seriously: the first impression of you can be decisive. It is better to come to the meeting correctly and femininely dressed and behave accordingly. It’s in your best interest to please them.
Don’t try to befriend your father-in-law by ignoring your mother-in-law. Build relationships with them evenly.
Do not reject the help and advice of the mother-in-law, even if there is no special need for them. Let’s say your mother-in-law offered to help you re-paste the wallpaper, and you answered: «Yes, we can handle it ourselves.» Such a reaction devalues the efforts of the mother-in-law in establishing family relationships. And if you refuse her help, do it tactfully!
Do not complain about your mother-in-law to your husband, your relatives (especially your mother), and your acquaintances. If she finds out, she will not forgive you for this, even if your claims are fair.
If a skirmish with the mother-in-law has occurred, do not hold a grudge. Be prepared for dialogue and compromise. If it is impossible to live peacefully, sign something like a non-aggression pact. And live each in its own way.
10 points in your favor if you:
1. Work and make good money.
2. Do not be burdened by everyday life and are even ready to work hard at the mother-in-law’s dacha.
3. They are clean and know how to create comfort “out of nothing”.
4. You cook well and know how to adjust your cooking to the tastes of others.
5. Love and respect your husband.
6. Reasonably economical and can tell the «second mother» how not to spend too much.
7. Love and respect your parents.
8. Want and love children and have clear teaching abilities.
9. Look after yourself and your husband is well-groomed.
10. Help your spouse to realize themselves in life, and success is already visible.
Interesting Facts
42,1% of wives with age are less critical of their husbands’ mothers, sprinkle ashes on their heads and admit that they were wrong in many ways in their youth.
78% of women who are on friendly terms with their mothers do not have serious claims to their mother-in-law either.
Conclusion: You are more likely to negotiate with your mother-in-law if you know how to get along with your own mother.
57,9% of wives from “ideal” marriages positively evaluate their mother-in-law.
38,9% of wives from emotionally disordered marriages rate their mother-in-law as a good person.
Conclusion: happiness in one’s own marriage softens the perception of mother-in-law’s negative character traits.
The second conclusion: a woman who raised a good husband from her own son, by definition, has more chances to become a good mother-in-law.
Try to find a common language and live peacefully with your mother-in-law, because in the future you may be in her place.