Protect your borders and not quarrel with anyone: is it possible?

Fire on the intruder, or a grenade launcher against a slingshot

Two friends are sitting in a cafe, one of them makes an order. The waitress leaves, and suddenly the second girl pounces on the first: “What the hell did you decide for me what to order? Why do you allow yourself to make choices for me?”

Confused, the interlocutor replies: “Forgive me, please, I didn’t think. I would like you to try this soup. It’s so tasty here.” But the second girlfriend does not calm down. It looks like it’s heading for a fight.

Often this is the behavior of people who are just learning to defend their own boundaries. A man is accidentally pushed, and he is so loudly indignant that you think he was hit. And they will call someone at the wrong time – and they will hear a stormy rebuke about the rules of decency in the telephone receiver.

If for many years, due to upbringing, a person did not know how to defend himself and endured the attacks of other people, he is seriously impressed by the idea that his boundaries have been violated all his life. He suddenly begins to realize the anger, resentment, pain and even rage “preserved” in him against those who encroached on his safety with impunity. But now all these feelings can fall on other people who accidentally “step on their feet”.

In addition, we react especially violently to “assassination attempts” in the area where we ourselves are not yet completely sure of ourselves. Or in one that is especially painful for us. Perhaps the mother often decided for the second girl, and she was just beginning to realize how much she did not like it.

A friend who ordered soup, without asking, of course, violated other people’s boundaries. But the incident could have been settled in a much simpler way. Moreover, the girl apologized. Perhaps an enterprising friend could simply pay for the soup so that her companion would order what she wants.

“Guilty!”

When we begin to explore our own boundaries, we often fail to understand which actions of others actually violate them and which do not.

The girl complains on the social network: “A friend asked me to look after her dog while she is on vacation. I do not like it. I don’t like dogs and I don’t know how to take care of them.” In the comments, several people claim that the acquaintance violates the boundaries. They offer the girl to tell her everything on this subject: how can you ask for such a thing? Does a friend have no relatives who could look after the animal?

It seems to many that if they are asked for something, it must be done. But a request is not an attack! People are often unaware of this and start to zealously defend their borders. Meanwhile, requests that you do not want to fulfill can simply be refused. Calmly and without accusations.

There are, of course, manipulative requests, but not in this case. Now, if that friend insisted, despite the refusal, it would be another matter.

Why context is important

This is perhaps the most difficult moment. Sometimes it is the context that turns everything upside down.

The cleaning lady is cleaning the floors in the shop. The shopper walks from shelf to shelf in search of the right product and steps on clean areas. The cleaning lady can’t stand it: “Girl, why are you going exactly where I washed? I wash – you step, I wash again – you step there again. It’s impossible not to respect someone else’s work like that!” Her tone is more offended than angry. The customer had no idea that she did something wrong, and also explodes: “Do you think I do this on purpose? What right do you have to complain to me?”

The buyer, of course, is not to blame for anything. But flexibility would help her understand: the cleaning lady is very tired, she does not have the most pleasant job, she is on edge, and it really seems to her that the washed floor is stepped on purpose. And then she would gently explain that she had not seen the washed floor. Yes, she should not delve into the cleaning lady’s problems. But this is one case where concern for the other’s feelings would be perhaps the best strategy.

It happens that we do not read the context when from childhood we were forbidden to see and critically evaluate something. For example, dad said that you can’t mess around, but he did just that. Dad cannot be convicted of idleness, so the child stops seeing that this is happening. The picture of his reality loses volume, is distorted.

What “overlaps” with border protection lead to

Such confusion can have serious consequences. Quarrels with loved ones, separation from friends, trouble at work… Few people like communication when any word can cause a flurry of indignation.

Sometimes someone who learns to defend the borders seriously wonders if he is doing the right thing. Maybe it was better than before? At least, relations with others, even if they sometimes sat on their heads, were still stable. What now?

At this point, it is important not to deviate from the chosen path. It is not easy for someone who takes only the first steps in the ability to defend himself. How difficult it is for a child who is learning to walk. He falls, he can hit hard. But then he rises again and takes a new step.

What to do if you realize that trying to protect the borders gets in the way of life?

• Try to reflect on how you felt when the embarrassing situation happened.
• Break this situation into components, track the emotions that gradually arose. What did they respond to? It is also a great mindfulness skill to recognize the nuances of experience.
• Try to imagine how your interlocutors felt.
• Think about how you could get out of the situation in a more environmentally friendly way.
• And so, over and over again, analyze what happened to yourself.

If you go to sessions with a psychologist, you can analyze such situations with him – things will go faster. It’s kind of a workout. When we apply the acquired skills over and over again and learn to better understand what we feel, then over time we begin to behave more and more flexibly in difficult situations. That’s how learning happens – only by experience.