Hello dear blog readers! The authoritarian style of parenting in the family includes the complete subordination of the child. He is obliged to unquestioningly fulfill the requirements, sometimes while depicting happiness and gratitude.
The rigidity of the boundaries cannot but affect its character, so today we will consider both the minuses and the pluses of such a concept of pedagogy.
Characterization
The authoritarian style is characterized, as mentioned above, by rigidity. It includes such educational tools as coercion, orders, threats, criticism and other manipulations that can cause feelings of fear, shame and, of course, guilt.
The ultimate goal is obedience. So that he understands how wrong and imperfect he is, unlike his parent.
Accordingly, to experience shame and guilt for this, which will stimulate him to meet the expectations of the people who “love” him. Who believe that he is simply deprived of the will and ability to make decisions. Unable to manage their activities and make choices.
Violence is not only physical, sometimes the most difficult, causing deep psychological trauma is directly moral. To cripple another person, it is not necessary to beat him, you can simply deprive him of his will and constantly criticize him.
Basic Methods of Authoritarian Parenting
Coercion
This is when the true desires and needs of another person are ignored. There was an idea to do something, but this other one resists. And then, instead of finding out the reasons for the reluctance, the one who has the power simply solves this issue by a directive, violent method.
“I said so, period” or “Because I decided so, whether you like it or not, but you will do it.” Familiar phrases?
Accordingly, the one who is coerced experiences tremendous stress. After all, he needs to both obey and somehow cope with the extremely unpleasant internal sensations that inevitably arise in a situation of violence.
shame
Contrary to the stereotype that if you shame a person, he will improve, just so as not to fall into a similar situation again — on the contrary, he becomes secretive. The only thing that can be achieved by such behavior is a feeling of superiority. As if «I am so omnipotent and powerful, ideal and correct, I have power over you.»
Incidentally, the frequent use of shaming threatens to split the personality. Because then you have to ignore your needs, push away desires and natural reactions, feelings. Due to the fact that they turn out to be wrong, ashamed.
Punishment
If it is fair, then it deprives part of the guilt for the deed and is perceived adequately. It turns out that the punished person, as it were, atoned for the harm that he caused.
But in the case of injustice and excessiveness, it cripples. Causes resentment and anger, instead of the expected sincere regret and remorse. In addition, it also provokes you to express your anger at those who are weaker and unable to fight back. Since it is possible to do wrong and cruel things to me, why should I restrain my impulses to exercise power?
By the way, those who were often punished can later get used to the role of the victim, constantly feeling their involvement in any troubles. For example, they will fully agree with the fact that they simply looked at a person in a wrong way, and that’s why he didn’t manage to do something. Either they said at the wrong time, they were nearby, they wanted, they asked, and so on.
Threatening
Usually the one who does not feel self-confidence, authority threatens. It’s like a last resort. But it is quite difficult to admit powerlessness, it is easier to come up with a terrible punishment and control the behavior of the disobedient with its help.
Criticism
The good purpose of criticism is to inspire improvement. That is, realizing that he did something wrong, the person immediately wants to become better and correct the situation.
But, as you understand, it does not always work. Most often causes an inferiority complex, that is, a decrease in self-esteem. Subsequently, there is a persistent aversion to the process, for which they scolded and the result of which was devalued.
In rare cases, thanks to such actions, the world gets perfectionists who strive to bring everything to perfection. But, unfortunately, they do not know what the feeling of inner harmony and freedom is. They are in suspense every time they notice less than ideal. And it’s not far from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Ignoring
A fairly complex form of emotional abuse. Rejection, which is experienced by those who are defiantly ignored, can cause psychological trauma and affect the ability to build relationships with other people. And not for the better.
Cons
Loss of personality
Being under constant control, the little man loses his individuality, sensitivity. That is, he is constantly told what he should do and what not, depriving him of the opportunity to make a decision on his own. How then can he learn to listen to his own feelings, desires? Learning something new, coping with difficulties? Recognize yourself, in the end?
Low self-esteem
The kid, subjected to constant criticism and not receiving recognition, will tend to think that he is simply wrong, therefore he does not deserve love and good treatment. Children do not understand that these are just the features, character traits and consequences of the injuries of his parents. That it doesn’t affect them personally in any way.
They may actually be the best in the world, but they will never know what, say, daddy’s approval is.
Unfortunately, there are stereotypes, following which many people make mistakes that cost them close trusting relationships with children. I will give examples to make it clearer. This is when something very unpleasant happened and caused pain, but the boy is not given the opportunity to cry, because «men do not cry, but are obliged to endure absolutely all difficulties, even if they are treated unfairly.»
This is when “one cannot argue with a mother or father”, despite the fact that they simply do not want to notice, hear their child and continue to “break” him with their values and ideas about life. Or when they think that if you praise a child even once for a great achievement, it will relax and will no longer try to become better.
There are many similar beliefs that prevent you from approaching and accepting your own little man as he is.
deviance
Most often, girls who grew up in an authoritarian family become quiet, inconspicuous and resigned. But the boys are trying to defend their rights to life, so they can start to rebel. Which includes outbreaks of aggression, violence, any kind of addiction, that is, dependence. And these are signs of deviant behavior, which you can learn more about by clicking on this link.
Anger accumulates and the consequences depend on where exactly he directs it. If you can get in response to yourself, since it’s scary outside, then he “escapes” from reality, where he feels at least a little freedom. For example, with the help of computer games, alcohol, drugs, self-harm with cuts, and so on. And if outside, then this is cruel treatment of others, robbery, theft.
Remember, the one who is treated unfairly, showing violence — in most cases later becomes a rapist, an aggressor.
Dependence on someone else’s opinion
The one who is often criticized simply cannot rely on his own opinion, he will always consider the other more important. Therefore, he does not even assign achievements until he is praised. And then, doubts remain, suddenly someone thinks differently?
Lack of initiative
Holding the child in «hedgehog gloves», parents sometimes sincerely wish him happiness. They want him to grow up to be a worthy person. But, unfortunately, getting used to acting according to the instructions, he will always expect someone who will come and say what is right and what is wrong and how to proceed.
Because in his experience there is no such item as «he did it on his own.» After all, there is always someone who knows better.
In childhood, perhaps, this feature pleases when the child is obedient, but almost every one of us wants to see our child successful. And how can he become successful if he has not learned this independence, if he did not have a chance to know his resources and capabilities? To be in the position of a decisive, strong-willed and purposeful person?
Neurosis and other diseases
In connection with the retention of most feelings, which are sometimes so powerful that they are toxic to the body, it is not surprising that various psychosomatic diseases appear.
Resistance to such a cruel treatment of one’s own personality will still arise. And if attempts to arrange a riot are aggressively suppressed, then the “protest” will suit the body. For example, with the help of diseases such as stomach ulcers, migraines, and so on. There is a high probability of the appearance of neurosis and obsessive-compulsive states, up to enuresis (urinary incontinence).
Victimization
A little man, in order to survive in the literal sense of the word with an authoritarian style of upbringing, simply needs to learn to endure and put up with violence, injustice against him. Accordingly, growing up, he often finds himself in the position of a victim, not rebuffing the aggressor, preferring to remain silent, if only it would not be even worse. He certainly knows that it is impossible to argue in any case. We must endure all difficulties in silence.
Learn more about victim behavior and how to deal with it in this article.
Fear of rejection
Despite the fact that parental love is unconditional, the one who chooses an authoritarian style gives the child ideas that it can only be earned.
Here I will eat well, obey, get only high scores and win competitions — perhaps mom or dad will finally love me.
Despite the care, he will always feel the lack of this love. Because there is no recognition as a person, separate, free, independent. So, he is some kind of «underwhelming», since his relatives do not trust him with his own life.
Growing up, he will look for opportunities to fill this “emptiness”, getting into dependent relationships, patiently enduring humiliation and bullying.
Infantilism
That is, immaturity. Yes, it is quite suitable for children and is perceived normally, according to age. But in the future, they simply will not advance, develop, mature.
Then women complain about their men, who are not able to take a single step without the instruction of their mother. Or they don’t get married at all. And how, if they cannot be responsible for themselves, then what can be said about the family?
Or vice versa, men literally have to patronize their women because they behave like little girls. Learn more about infantilism here.
Pros
Naturally, the fact that they will obey you and do what you require without unnecessary objections. Such a parent is not ashamed of his child when he is in society. Indeed, unlike peers, his daughter or son will not allow himself to run, jump and make noise. They will win medals and certificates, sacrificing their interests, if only their parents were happy.
Obedience also affects the finances of the family. There will be no begging for toys, amusement parks and so on.
It is also a plus that you do not need to work on yourself, in terms of overcoming personal limitations, developing some qualities, admitting mistakes, and so on. Why spend a lot of time trying to find a common language with a baby, trying to understand him, if you can just shout and order from your adult position?
I hope you understand that these are just exaggerated jokes. The fact is that I could not find really worthwhile advantages of authoritarianism. When education is complex, that is, where necessary, freedom is given, and when necessary, power is demonstrated — then authoritarianism is really useful.
Sometimes it is important to remind who is in charge in the family and whose opinion is worth listening to. But if only the above methods are involved, when this parenting style goes off scale, there are no pluses, at least without causing psychological trauma.
Recommendations
Designation of boundaries and explanation of them
It is clear that if you give freedom of action to an immature little man in order to show respect for his personality, this will plunge your life and his life into chaos. But what if, for example, every morning you have to get up at 7 in the morning in order to be in time for school, but he does not want to? In addition to how to force, in another way he does not listen?
You need to firmly state your position, while allowing him to express his feelings. For example, by saying: “I understand that this makes you angry or sad, but these are the rules. If you get up late, you will be late for class.”
Older children in this case can be given a little freedom in terms of independently resolving difficulties due to being late. That is, do not call the teacher, warning about force majeure situations, do not write notes. And let him deal with new difficulties without your help.
So he will learn to be responsible for his actions and deeds. Although not always successful, it is important for him to get this experience. Then you take off the extra load. Having been “on the carpet” of the director, having received additional tasks from teachers and so on, he will be more motivated not to be late than with your scandals in the morning.
That is, it is important to explain why some rules, restrictions have arisen, and also what threatens if they are violated. After that, give at least a little freedom and the opportunity to gain experience, as they say, «to fill the bumps.»
Requests
By asking a child to help you with something and not exploding with righteous anger at refusal, you will eventually achieve that your relationship will become more trusting. You will be able to cooperate, not fight. What is extremely important with teenagers, otherwise you can completely lose contact and intimacy with them.
Sometimes it is not easy, instead of the usual orders, to ask someone whom you consider literally obliged to do what he is told. It is important to overcome your own resistance. Still, it is much more pleasant to realize that they are helping you not because they are afraid, but because they love and, in order to take care, agree to some kind of activity.
Openness
When your child stumbles, do not blame or shame him. It is necessary that he develops a regulator of conscience, so that he understands for himself what is worth doing and what is not. You will help him if you just talk about your feelings. That, for example, some of his actions upset you, made you angry or caused sadness, disappointment.
Then he will learn to understand and anticipate the consequences that will inevitably follow in connection with his choice. Blaming him, you will only provoke a defensive reaction — justify yourself, contrive, but get out of the water dry.
And by the way, we all make mistakes, even the best of us. Therefore, it is also worth being able to apologize. This act will not «remove the crown», but, on the contrary, will raise authority in his eyes.
Cultivating independence
Instead of scolding or criticizing, ask how he himself likes what he did. Let him evaluate his own work. And you can just share your feelings. Only not in the form of assessments, but using I-statements.
For example, instead of saying, “You did wrong, are you an idiot?” the wording “When you do this, I get very upset will be better perceived. Can you explain why you chose to do this?
Completion
These are not all the pros and cons that arise as a result of an authoritarian parenting approach, but they are the main ones. If you have any ideas and hypotheses, we will be grateful if you share them in the comments.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
We also recommend reading an article about harassment — this means psychological pressure on a person.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina