Project Happiness. Dreams. Plan. New Life (G.u.e.n.)

To the reader

Project Happiness is an attempt to change your life. First comes the preparatory stage, when you need to figure out what gives you joy and satisfaction, and what makes you angry, annoyed, bored, remorseful. Next, you should make decisions — outline those specific actions that will make you happier. Then comes the most interesting part — the execution of your decisions.

This book is about my project, what I did and what I learned. Your project will be different, but almost everyone will be able to benefit from it. To help you, I regularly post suggestions on my blog and on the Happiness Project Toolbox site, where you’ll find tools to help you design and execute your own project.

I hope that the book that you are holding in your hands will serve as the main source of inspiration. Of course, it is dedicated to my project and reflects my specific life situation, system of values ​​and interests. You might be thinking, “If everyone has their own unique project, then why should I read this book?”

In researching the problem of happiness, I discovered something surprising: I was often able to draw much more useful lessons from someone else’s specific experience than from sources that revealed universal principles or told about modern research. More important than any other arguments, for me were the stories of specific people about what helped them, even if I had, it would seem, nothing in common with these people. For example, it would never have occurred to me before that my main mentors would be a witty lexicographer with Tourette syndrome, a twenty-year-old nun dying of tuberculosis, a Russian freethinker novelist, and one of the founding fathers. However, that is what happened.

I hope reading my success report will inspire you to start your own project. Whenever you read this and wherever you are, this is the right time and place to start.

Home

I have always been overcome by a vague desire to overcome my shortcomings. One day I will stop pulling my hair, constantly walking in sneakers and eating only cereal. I will remember my friends’ birthdays, learn how to use Photoshop, and not let my daughter watch TV at breakfast. I will read Shakespeare. I will laugh more and enjoy life. I will become more polite. I will go to museums more often. Stop being afraid to drive.

One April morning, which was no different from any other morning, I suddenly realized that I was risking ruining my life, living it in vain. Looking through the rain-soaked bus window, I felt the years slip away. “What do I want from life? I asked myself. “Well… I want to be happy.” But I never thought about what makes me happy, or about how to become happier.

There have been many things in my life to be happy about. I was married to Jamie, a tall, handsome, dark-haired man whom I loved very much, and we had two wonderful daughters, seven-year-old Eliza and one-year-old Eleanor. I was a writer, although I started out as a lawyer, and I lived in my favorite city — New York. I had a great relationship with my parents, with my sister and cousins. I had friends, I didn’t complain about my health, and I didn’t even need to dye my hair. However, I began to often goo to my husband and strangers. I got discouraged by every little mishap at work and lost touch with old friends. It became easy to lose her temper, suffered from bouts of melancholy, helplessness and depression.

Looking through the cloudy glass, I noticed a woman crossing the street. She struggled to hold on to her umbrella while trying to talk on her cell phone and pushing a stroller with a baby in a yellow raincoat in front of her. Looking at this woman, I suddenly recognized myself in her. Here I am! I thought. And I have a stroller, and a mobile phone, and an alarm clock, and an apartment nearby … Now I’m driving around the city on a bus, which I constantly travel back and forth. This is my life, but I never think about it.

I wasn’t depressed or going through a midlife crisis, but I was clearly suffering from the malady that many adults have: periodic outbursts of discontent and insecurity. «Is it really me?» I wondered, sorting through the morning mail.

But although I sometimes felt dissatisfied with the fact that I was missing something, I never forgot how lucky I really am. Sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night, I went from room to room and watched my husband sleep, tangled in crumpled sheets, and my daughter, surrounded by toy animals. I had everything that I could want, but I did not know how to enjoy it. Mired in petty afflictions, tired of fighting with myself, I did not know how to appreciate what I possessed. I didn’t want to take this position for granted forever. For years I have been haunted by the words of writer Gabrielle Sidonie Colette: “What a wonderful life I have lived! It would be nice to realize this as soon as possible … I would not want to someday later, in my declining years or after some terrible catastrophe, look back and think: “How happy I was then … If only I understood this!”

I needed to think about all this.

How to learn to enjoy every day you live? How to become a better wife, mother, writer, friend? How to get rid of the oppression of routine and strive for more lofty goals?

I almost forgot to go outside the pharmacy to buy some toothpaste. It seemed impossible to combine my lofty thoughts with the small tasks of everyday life.

The bus barely moved, and I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts. “We need to get to the bottom of this,” I thought. “As soon as I have free time, I will organize my own project of a happy life.” But I didn’t have any free time at all … When life goes on as usual, you always lose sight of what is really important.

If I intend to start such a project, I need to find the time. In my mind, I imagined living on a picturesque island for a whole month, walking along the shore every day, collecting shells, reading Aristotle and keeping notes in an elegant diary. “Alas,” I admitted to myself, “this will not happen. Gotta find a way to do it here and now. I have to learn to look at familiar things in a new way.

As these thoughts raced through my mind, I came to two conclusions: I am not as happy as I could be, and nothing will change in my life if I do not change it myself.

It was at that moment that I made the decision to dedicate a year to becoming happier. It was a Tuesday morning, and by Wednesday afternoon, I had a stack of library books piled up on my desk. There was barely room for them: my small office was littered with materials for a biography of Kennedy, which I was then working on, interspersed with notes from my daughter Eliza’s school teacher.

I couldn’t just pick up and dive into my project. There was much to be learned before the year I had allotted for this began. After a week of intense reading and thinking about the upcoming experiment, I called my younger sister Elizabeth. After listening to my reasoning about happiness, my sister said: “I’m afraid you don’t understand how strange you are …” And hastily added: “In a good way, of course.”

All people are strange. That is why such a project for each of us would be different, unlike the others. Each of us is unique.

— Maybe. But you don’t seem to realize how funny it is to hear from you.

— What’s so funny?

— The way you try to scrupulously, systematically approach the issue of happiness …

I didn’t quite understand her.

“You mean the way I try to translate lofty goals into practical actions?

— That’s it. I don’t even know what practical actions are.

It’s some business school jargon.

— Who cares! I just want to say that your project says more about you than you think.

Of course she was right. It is rightly said: people begin to teach exactly what they want to learn. Taking on the role of mentor, at least for myself, I tried to find a way to deal with my own mistakes and shortcomings.

It’s time to demand more of ourselves. Thinking about happiness, I constantly stumbled upon paradoxes. I wanted to change myself, but at the same time accept myself for who I am. I wanted to take myself more and less seriously at the same time. I wanted to make better use of my time, but also be able to spend it carefree at times. I wanted to think about myself in such a way that I could forget about myself.

I was constantly in extreme agitation, I wanted to get rid of worry about the future, but I wanted to keep my energy and ambition. Elizabeth’s observations made me think about my motives. Did I yearn for spiritual growth and a life dedicated to higher principles, or was my project just an attempt to extend my perfectionist approach to all aspects of my life?

Project «Happiness» combined both. Of course, I wanted to improve my character, but given my nature, this would require a to-do list, a new vocabulary, and constant note-taking.

Many great minds have wondered about happiness, so I immersed myself in reading Plato, Boethius, Montaigne, Bertrand Russell, Thoreau and Schopenhauer. The great religions of the world explain the nature of happiness. So I began to study a wide range of traditions, from the familiar to the esoteric. Scientific interest in positive psychology has blossomed in recent decades, and I have taken to reading Martin Seligman, Daniel Kahneman, Daniel Gilbert, Barry Schwartz, Ed Diener, Mihaly Csikszentmihai, and Sonya Lubomirsky.

Pop culture is also teeming with happiness experts, and I’ve consulted with everyone from Oprah to Julia Morgenstern to David Allen. Some interesting discoveries were given to me by my favorite writers — Leo Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf, Marilyn Robinson. Some novels—Michael Frain’s Sun Landing, Anne Patchett’s Bel Canto, and Ian McEwan’s Saturday—are well-developed theories of happiness.

Sometimes I read some philosophical or biographical essay, and the next minute I opened the journal Psychology Today. In the stack of books by my bed, I could find Malcolm Gladwell’s Illuminations, Adam Smith’s Theory of Moral Sentiments, Bettina von Arnim’s Elizabeth and Her German Flower Garden, The Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness, and Reflections at the Kitchen Sink. Flying Housewife by Marla Seeley. At dinner with friends, I found a wise clue baked into a fortune cookie: «Seek happiness in your own home.»

As I read, I realized that before we can move on, there are two critical questions that need to be answered. First of all, Do I believe that I can be happier? After all, the standard theory is that the basic level of happiness for a particular person is quite stable.

Yes, I answered the first question, it is possible.

According to modern research, the level of human happiness is genetically predetermined by about 50%; about 10% is the influence of life circumstances — age, gender, nationality, marital status, wealth, health status, profession and religiosity, the rest is a consequence of what a person thinks and does. In other words, a person has an innate predisposition to be happy within certain limits, but due to his behavior he can either reach the highest of them, or slide down to the lowest. This discovery was consistent with my personal observations. It seems quite obvious that some people are more prone to melancholy than others, but at the same time, a person’s own decision about how to live his life also affects his happiness.

Second question: what is happiness?

When I was in law school, we spent a semester discussing the concept of a contract, and as I delved deeper into the study of happiness, such preparation did me good. While being an apprentice, it is very helpful to have a precise definition of concepts, but in one of the works on positive psychology I found fifteen different scientific definitions of happiness. When it came to my project, it seemed like there was no need to spend any effort trying to distinguish between “positive experience,” “subjective well-being,” “hedonic mood,” and a host of other terms. I didn’t want to delve into questions that didn’t really interest me.

Instead, I decided to follow the tradition established by Chief Justice Potter Stewart, who, when defining what obscenity is, said: “When I encounter it, I recognize it,” or Louis Armstrong, who stated: “If you have to ask what is jazz, you don’t understand it,” or A. E. Houseman, who wrote that he could define poetry no better than a terrier could define a rat, but “recognizes this subject by the symptoms that it causes.”

Aristotle defined happiness as the summum bonum, the highest good. Although people strive for other things—wishing to gain wealth and power or lose ten pounds—they do so in the belief that it will bring them happiness. So their real goal is happiness. Pascal stated: “All people, without exception, yearn for happiness. Whatever different means they use for this, the goal is the same for everyone. According to one study, when people around the world were asked what they would most like for themselves and for their children, they named happiness. Even those who cannot agree on what it means to be happy are willing to agree that most people are capable of becoming happier, according to their own definition. I know when I feel happy, and that is enough for my purposes.

As for the definition of happiness, I came to another important conclusion: the opposite of happiness is unhappiness, not depression.

Depression is a serious condition that requires special attention, but it forms a separate category in thinking about happiness and unhappiness. Finding out the causes of depression and the means of combating it is far beyond the scope of my project. I myself did not feel depression and was not going to deal with it. Just because I wasn’t melancholy didn’t mean trying to be happier wasn’t good for me.

Having figured out that it is possible to increase the level of happiness, and having understood what it means to be happy, it remained to figure out exactly how to make yourself happier.

Could I have discovered a startling new secret to happiness? Probably not. People have thought about it for thousands of years, and the great truths about happiness have long been formulated by the most brilliant minds. Everything important has already been said before. (And this statement too. Even Alfred North Whitehead wrote: «Everything important has already been said once.») The laws of happiness are as immutable as the laws of chemistry.

But even if these laws were not discovered by me, I had to apply them to myself. It’s like losing weight. Everyone knows his secrets — eat right, eat less, move more, but the most difficult thing is to put it into practice. I had to create a scheme for translating the right ideas into reality.

Founding Father Benjamin Franklin is one of the foremost authorities on self-actualization theory. In his Autobiography, he tells how he created the Virtues Chart as «a bold and difficult project of moral improvement.» He identified thirteen virtues that he wanted to cultivate in himself — temperance, silence, love of order, determination, frugality, diligence, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, calmness, chastity, meekness — and compiled a table marked out by the days of the week. Every day he had to evaluate how well he had put these thirteen virtues into practice.

Modern research encourages not to exaggerate the wisdom of this approach. People are more successful at tasks that are broken down into specific and measurable actions with the need for structured reporting and positive reinforcement. According to modern brain theory, many judgments, motives, and feelings are formed unconsciously, and an important factor in unconscious activity is the «availability» of information — the ease with which it comes to mind. Information that has been accessed recently or that has been accessed frequently in the past is easier to reproduce and activate. The concept of «accessibility» told me that by constantly reminding myself of certain ideas and tasks, I would keep them active in my mind.

So, inspired by modern science and the method of Benjamin Franklin, I developed my own version of the scorecard, a kind of calendar where I could write down my commitments and give myself a ✓ (good) or x (bad) rating for meeting them daily.

After compiling a clean table, it took a long time to determine what obligations to fill in the empty cells. Franklin’s thirteen virtues did not quite match the change I wanted to bring about. I was not so concerned, for example, with cleanliness (although I probably could have brushed my teeth more thoroughly). What should I do to be happier?

First of all, it was necessary to determine the areas that should be worked on. Then came the time for happiness-bringing actions, concrete and measurable. For example, everyone from Seneca to Martin Seligman is convinced that friendship is the key to happiness, and I, of course, should have strengthened my friendships. The main thing is to understand how to achieve the desired changes. I wanted to be special, so I had to know exactly what I expected of myself.

As I contemplated what I could do, I was again amazed at how different my Project Happiness would be from anyone else’s. Franklin’s priorities included «moderation» («do not overeat, do not get drunk») and «taciturnity» (less «idle chatter»). Someone could make a vow to start exercising, quit smoking, improve their sex life, learn to swim, volunteer, but I was not interested in all these specific tasks. I have already done volunteer work. I had my own special priorities, including those that many people would neglect, and excluding those that many would put on their list.

For example, a friend asked me:

“Are you going to take a course of psychotherapy?”

No, I was surprised. «Why do you think I need it?»

“It is absolutely necessary if you are going to understand the reasons for your behavior. Do you not want to understand why you are the way you are, and why you are striving to change your life?

I thought about these questions for a long time and finally decided: no, I don’t want to. Did this mean that I approached the matter superficially? I am ready to admit that psychotherapy can be useful, but the answers to the questions posed by a friend did not interest me very much. What I wanted to do was pretty obvious to me, and I cared more about getting better at it than getting better at it. understand.

Twelve months of the year made up twelve cells of the table to fill in. In the course of research, I saw that social connections are the most important element of happiness, so I wrote down “Matrimony”, “Parenthood”, “Friendship”. In addition, I realized that my happiness largely depends on my prospects, and added “Eternity” and “Aspirations” to the list. Work was important to my happiness, but so was leisure, so I included Work, Play, and Hobbies. What else would I like to cover? «Energy» seemed to me an important component of the success of the entire project. I wanted to mention «Money». To make sense of many of the discoveries I’ve made through my research, I’ve added «Attention». December will be the month when I will try to fulfill all my obligations as much as possible. So there are twelve categories.

But where to start? What was the most important element of happiness? I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’ve decided to put Energy first. A high level of energy will make it easier to cope with other tasks.

By January 1st, when I was planning to launch the project, I filled out a spreadsheet with dozens of commitments that I would try to fulfill in the coming year. During the first month, I will start only with the January tasks; in February I will add a few more tasks to the January set, and by December I will evaluate the completion of the tasks of the whole year.

As I decided on my tasks, some general principles began to emerge. Isolating these principles proved more difficult than I expected, but after much refinement, I arrived at the following Twelve Commandments.

twelve commandments

1. Be yourself, Gretchen.

2. Live as you live.

3. Behave the way you want to feel.

4. Act now.

5. Be polite and honest.

6. Enjoy the process.

7. Spread out.

8. Understand the problem.

9. Cheer up!

10. Do what needs to be done.

11. No calculations.

12. Love is only one.

These Twelve Commandments, as I foresaw, were to help me fulfill my obligations.

I made another no less «serious» list — Secrets of maturity. These were the lessons that I learned with great difficulty as I grew up. I don’t know why it took me years to accept the idea that the most affordable drugs cure headaches, but it happened.

Secrets of maturity

• People pay much less attention to your mistakes than you think.
• Asking for help is completely normal.
• Most of the solutions are simple.
• Do well and you will feel good.
• It’s important to be polite to everyone.
• By doing a little every day, you will do a lot.
• Water and soap will remove most stains.
• Sometimes, turning off and on the computer several times, it is possible to get rid of the interference.
• If you can’t find something, clean it up.
• You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.
• Happiness does not always bring a feeling of happiness.
• What you do every day matters more than what you do only occasionally.
• You don’t have to try to be good at everything.
• If you don’t fail, then you’re not trying too hard.
• Over-the-counter medications are very effective.
• Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good.
• What pleases others may not please you, and vice versa.
• People love to receive gifts that they themselves have ordered.
• You cannot change the nature of your own children by grumbling at them or enrolling them in different circles.
• What you do not sow, you will not reap.

I had fun formulating my Twelve Commandments and the Secrets of Maturity, but the core of my project was a to-do list that represented the changes I wanted to make in my life. However, looking at these tasks from the outside, I was struck by their insignificance. For example January. “Going to bed early”, “Dealing with things that have been put off for a long time” — it doesn’t sound very impressive.

Other people’s radical happiness projects, such as Thoreau’s move to Walden Lake, Elizabeth Gilbert’s trip to Italy, India, and Indonesia, inspired me. To start with a clean slate, to plunge into the unknown… Such actions seemed exciting to me. In addition, I was bribed by detachment from everyday worries.

But my project was different. At heart, I was not an adventurer and did not seek to make incredible changes. Luckily, of course, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I had a family and various obligations, which made it almost impossible to leave even for a week, let alone a year.

Besides, I didn’t want to give up my life. I wanted to change it without changing anything in it, to find more happiness within the walls of my own kitchen. I knew that happiness for me is not about discovering distant lands or encountering unusual circumstances. My happiness was to be found here and now, as in the beautiful play «The Blue Bird», in which two children traveled the world for a whole year in search of the Blue Bird of Happiness, and found it at home upon their return.

Many people objected to my project, for example, my husband.

«I don’t get it,» Jamie said one day as he lay on the floor doing his daily exercise. «You’re quite happy already, aren’t you?» If you were unhappy, that would make sense, but it doesn’t. He hesitated. «You’re not unhappy, are you?»

«I’m really happy,» I assured him. “Actually,” I added, glad to be able to share my new knowledge, “most people are quite happy. According to a 2006 study, 84 percent of Americans described themselves as «very happy» or «quite happy,» and a survey conducted in 45 countries showed that on a scale of happiness from 1 to 10, people on average rate themselves 7 or 75 on a scale 1–100. I completed the Genuine Happiness Questionnaire myself, and on a scale of 1 to 5, I got a score of 3,92.

“But if you are quite happy, why take on this project?”

Yes, I’m happy, but not as happy as I could be. My life is good, but I want to enjoy it more and live better. I complain too much, get irritated more often than I should. I need to be more grateful to fate and people. I think if I felt happier, I would behave better.

“And you think it will make a difference?” my husband asked, pointing to my first, blank Commitment Chart.

— I’ll find out.

«Well, let’s see,» he snorted.

Shortly thereafter, I myself fell into even greater skepticism. Once at a party, when an old acquaintance began to openly ridicule the idea of ​​​​my project, the usual small talk turned into a conversation more reminiscent of the defense of a doctoral dissertation.

— With the help of your project, you want to find out if you can become happier. But at the same time, you don’t even have depression? — he asked.

«Yes, it is,» I replied, trying to keep a smart face.

Don’t be offended, but what’s the point? How can an ordinary person become happier? I don’t think it’s interesting…

I didn’t even know what to answer. Tell him that one of my Secrets of Maturity advises never to start with the words «Just don’t be offended»?

“Besides,” he insisted, “you are not an ordinary person. You have a brilliant education, you are a successful writer, you live on the East Side, your husband has a good job… What can you say about happiness to any Midwesterner?

«I’m from the Midwest myself,» I replied timidly.

He waved his hand.

“It’s just that I don’t believe that you can make any discoveries that would be useful to other people.

“But I have come to believe that people can learn a lot from each other.

— I think you have to make sure that your experience is not easy to adopt.

“I will try very hard,” I replied and went to look for another interlocutor.

This guy, while touching me, didn’t touch on my main concern about my project: isn’t it too selfish to spend so much effort on your personal happiness?

I thought a lot about this question. In the end, I was ready to agree with ancient philosophers and modern researchers who believe that becoming happier is a worthy goal. According to Aristotle, «happiness is the meaning of life, it is the main and ultimate goal of human existence.» Epicurus wrote: «We should do what brings happiness: when it is, we have everything, and when it is not, all our actions are aimed at achieving it.» The data of modern research show that happy people are more altruistic, productive, benevolent, cheerful and healthy. Happy people are best friends, colleagues and citizens. I would like to be one of them.

I knew it was much easier for me to be good when I was happy. Then I am more calm, energetic, kind-hearted and generous. My pursuit of happiness will not only make me happier, but also give happiness to the people around me.

In addition, I started my project because I wanted to be ready, although I did not immediately realize this. I was a very lucky person, but things can change. One night the phone will ring (I meant a very specific call), which can turn everything around. One of the goals of my project was to prepare for adversity—to develop the self-discipline and mental strength needed to face adversity when it happens. Start exercising, stop grumbling, tidy up your digital photo archive — these can be done when everything is flowing smoothly. I didn’t want to wait for a crisis to rebuild my life.

Increased energy levels

Life force

January

• Go to bed early.
• Engage in physical exercise.
• Put things in order.
• Deal with things that have been put off for a long time.
• Act more energetically.

Like 44% of Americans, I make New Year’s resolutions to myself and tend to forget them quickly. How many times have I promised myself to exercise more, eat right and keep my email in order! However, this year I made commitments to my project and hoped that it would make me better fulfill them. I decided to start the new year and Project Happiness by focusing on boosting my energy. I hoped that the increase in vitality would help me cope with the rest of the obligations more easily in the coming months.

According to scientific research, feeling happy is energizing. At the same time, the more energetic you are, the easier it is for you to do things that bring happiness, whether it’s socializing or exercising. Research shows that when you feel energized, your self-esteem goes up. In a state of fatigue, on the contrary, everything is seen as burdensome. Something you usually enjoy doing, like hanging up holiday decorations, starts to seem difficult, and something more serious, like learning a new computer program, becomes completely impossible.

When I feel energized, it is much easier for me to do things that help me become happier.

I take the time to send my grandparents a letter with the report of the visit to the pediatrician. I don’t swear when Eliza drops her cup of milk on the carpet before leaving for school. I have the patience to calmly figure out what caused my computer to freeze. I remember to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

I decided to tackle both the physical and mental aspects of energy. As far as physical energy goes, I need to make sure I get enough sleep and enough exercise. Although I have always known that sleep and exercise are important for good health, I was surprised to find that happiness, which seemed such a complex, lofty and incomprehensible goal, is also affected by these simple things. To increase mental energy, I needed to clean up the apartment and office, which seemed ugly clutter. Outer order, I hoped, should also promote inner peace. Moreover, it was necessary to eliminate the mess in the metaphorical sense of the word: I wanted to cross out some items from the list of tasks. I have added a final commitment that combines the physical and the mental. Scientific research shows that if you act like you feel energized, you actually become more energized. I didn’t really believe it, but it was worth a try.

Go to bed early

One charming friend of mine, who has a penchant for defiant judgments, said: «Sleep is the new sex.» And I once attended a dinner party where every person at the table spoke in detail about how he managed to take a nap with special pleasure, and everyone listened with delight.

Sleep at night is recommended for seven to eight hours, but millions of people fail to comply with this recommendation. In addition, one study states that along with a strict schedule, lack of sleep at night is one of the most important factors that darken people’s mood during the day.

Scientists have found that an extra hour of sleep at night brings a person more happiness than an increase in annual income by 60 thousand dollars. However, today the average adult sleeps 6,9 hours on weekdays and 7,9 hours on weekends — 20% less than what was customary in 1900. Although people adapt to being constantly sleepy, sleep restriction is bad for memory, weakens the immune system, slows metabolism, and may, according to some reports, contribute to weight gain.

In order to sleep more, I added a new, not so impressive task — turn off the light. Too often I have been late to read, answer letters, watch TV, fill out bills, etc., instead of going to bed.

A few days after starting my project, although I was practically falling asleep over the crib while putting Eliza to bed, I still hesitated a bit when Jamie offered to watch a rented DVD of the new movie The Conversation. I love cinema; I wanted to be with Jamie; 21.30 — too early to go to bed; I knew from my own experience that if I just started looking, I would come alive. On the other hand, I felt completely exhausted.

Why is it sometimes harder to go to sleep than to stay awake? Inertia, perhaps.

In addition, before going to bed, I need to remove contact lenses, brush my teeth and wash my face. But after all, I made a vow to myself, so I resolutely moved to the bed. I slept a full 8 hours and got up an hour earlier than usual at 5.30:XNUMX. So, in addition to getting a good night’s sleep, I was able to quietly go about my business while my family was still in bed.

I am a real know-it-all, so I was delighted when my sister called me and complained of insomnia. Elizabeth is five years younger, but I usually ask her for advice.

“I don’t sleep at all,” she said, “and I’ve given up caffeine already. What else can I do?

“A lot,” I replied, ready to share the tips I gleaned from my research.

“Shortly before bedtime, do not engage in any business that requires reflection. Keep your bedroom cool. Stretch a few times before bed. Since light affects the vital rhythm of the body, dim the light shortly before bedtime, for example, when you go to wash. Make sure the room is very dark when the lights are off. Like a hotel room…

«Do you really think this will help?» she asked.

— All books say that helps.

I tried to do all this myself and was surprised to find that the darkness in the bedroom is not so easy to achieve.

— What are you doing? Jamie asked one night when he noticed me rearranging and turning various instruments.

“Trying to get the light off all those things,” I replied. — I read that even the barely noticeable light from an electronic alarm clock can disrupt the rhythm of sleep. And here we are like in the laboratory of a mad scientist … Our smartphones, computer, fuse — everything flashes and glows.

“Uh…” was all he answered. However, he helped me rearrange something on the bedside table to block the light coming from the alarm clock.

These changes seem to make falling asleep easier. But I often didn’t sleep for another reason: I woke up in the middle of the night (oddly enough, usually at 3.18) and could no longer fall asleep. For nights like these, I developed a different set of tricks. I began to take slow, deep breaths as much as I could. Decreased blood flow to the extremities is known to maintain wakefulness. Therefore, when I felt that my legs were getting cold, I put on woolen socks, and this helped.

The two most useful sleep strategies were my own inventions. First, I tried to prepare well for sleep long before going to bed. Sometimes I stayed up for a long time because I was too tired to remove the lenses. However, putting on glasses affected me like a blanket thrown over a cage affects a parrot. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I would say to myself: “I have to get up in two minutes.” I imagined that I had just turned off the alarm, and in two minutes I would have to start my morning routine. Sometimes this debilitating prospect made me fall asleep again, and sometimes I gave up and took sleeping pills.

After I managed to get more sleep for a week, I noticed that I became more alert in the morning and stopped feeling sleepy during the day. Waking up has ceased to be torture: it is much more pleasant to wake up on your own than to be woken up by the ringing of an alarm clock.

However, despite all these advantages, I still had to make an effort to go to bed as soon as I began to feel sleepy. The last hours of the day, when the day’s business is over, are precious. Jamie is at home, the daughters are sleeping, and I have some free time. But only the commitments I had made kept me from staying up until midnight.

Engage in physical exercise

There is ample evidence that exercise is beneficial: people who exercise feel better, think more clearly, sleep better, and experience memory loss later. Regular exercise increases energy levels. While some may find it tiring, exercise is really energizing, especially for those who lead a sedentary lifestyle, and there are a lot of those.

Recent studies show that 25% of Americans do not exercise at all. By exercising just 20 minutes a day, three days a week for six weeks, chronic fatigue sufferers become more energetic.

Even knowing about all these benefits, it is not so easy to get up from the couch and turn into a physical education enthusiast. Many years ago I managed to force myself to exercise regularly, but it was not easy. I always thought that the most enjoyable pastime is lying in bed with a book and chewing something delicious.

When I was in high school, I wanted to change the old floral wallpaper in my room for a more sophisticated one that, in my opinion, corresponded to the level of a student. I wrote a long reasoned wish to my parents. The father looked at him and said:

— Okay, we’ll change the wallpaper in your room. But in return, you will have to do something four days a week for twenty minutes.

— And what should I do? I asked.

— Agree or refuse. Just twenty minutes. Can it be too difficult?

“Okay, I agree,” I said. «So what am I supposed to do?»

“Run,” was his reply.

My father, who himself was a passionate runner, never told me how far I should run or how fast; he didn’t even check to see if I was running the stipulated twenty minutes. He just wanted me to put on my sneakers and slam the door behind me. When I started running, I found that I didn’t see it as an exercise even though I didn’t like sports at all.

My father’s approach might have resonated unexpectedly. Extrinsic motivation encourages people to act for external reward and avoid external punishment. In the case of intrinsic motivation, people act for their own satisfaction.

A number of studies claim that when a person is rewarded for a certain activity, he stops doing it for the sake of pleasure — what is paid for turns into a «work». For example, parents are discouraged from rewarding their children for reading because that is how they teach their children to read for rewards, not for pleasure. By giving me extrinsic motivation, my father risked ruining my own drive to exercise. However, in my case, extrinsic motivation spurred intrinsic.

After that story with wallpaper, I began to practice regularly. I never made much effort on myself, but several times a week I went for a run. For a long time I thought that I should do strength exercises. Lifting weights increases muscle mass, strengthens the bones and spine, and (I admit, this is especially important for me) improves the figure. People who lift weights gain more muscle and have less fat. Several times over the years I reluctantly began to lift weights, but it did not become a habit for me. Now that I’ve made a commitment to exercise, it’s time to start.

A well-known Buddhist saying, with which I fully agree, says: «When the student is ready, the teacher appears.» Having vowed to «exercise properly,» a few days later I met for coffee with a friend who mentioned that she had embarked on a great weight-training program at a nearby gym.

“I don’t like the idea of ​​working with a coach,” I protested. I prefer to feel independent. Besides, it’s not cheap. I’d rather be on my own…

— And you try … I’m sure you’ll like it. This is the most efficient way to exercise. The whole exercise takes about twenty minutes, and besides…” she paused dramatically, “you don’t sweat at all. You don’t even have to take a shower.

It was the strongest argument. I don’t like to take a shower.

“However,” I asked uncertainly, “how can an exercise take only twenty minutes without even sweating?”

You lift weights to the very limit of your strength. You don’t need many repetitions. Trust me, it works. I like.

Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, states that a sure way to know if an action will bring happiness in the future is to ask those who are doing it now if they are happy. You will probably feel the same way.

According to this theory, the fact that my friend is enthusiastic about these exercises is a sure sign that I will be enthusiastic. I also reminded myself of one of my Maturity Secrets: “Most decisions are easy.”

I signed up the next day. When I left the hall, I was already a convert. The trainer was great and the atmosphere is better than most other gyms: no music, no mirrors, no crowding and wasting time waiting. Before I left, I signed up for the ultimate 24-hour program to get a discount, and within a month I enticed Jamie and my mother-in-law Judy to go to the same gym.

The only downside was the cost.

“Looks like it’s too much to pay for a twenty-minute class,” I told Jamie.

Could you get more for your money? — he asked. We give more for less…

Good point.

In addition to strength training, I wanted to start walking more. According to scientific research, walking triggers a relaxation response in the body and thereby reduces stress. At the same time, a ten-minute walk at a brisk pace provides an immediate boost of energy and boosts your mood. In general, exercise is a good way to drive away discouragement. In addition, as I read, 10 thousand steps a day is not only a necessary minimum for improving health, but also a tool that helps most people not gain excess weight.

It seemed to me that, living in New York, I walk many miles every day. But is it? For $20, I bought a pedometer from a neighborhood sports store. After wearing it on my belt for a week, I found that on those days when I had to walk a lot (taking Eliza to school and walking to the gym), I easily gained 10 thousand steps. On the same days, when I went out only near the house, it was barely 3 steps.

It was interesting to understand my daily habits, and the very fact of wearing a pedometer encouraged me to walk more. One of my main shortcomings is vanity. I always need to achieve recognition, encouragement. Once, back in my school days, when I returned home from a party late at night, I decided to surprise my mother by cleaning the kitchen. The next morning, mom went down to the kitchen with the words: “What kind of wonderful fairy appeared at night and did all the work?” She was very pleased. More than twenty years have passed, but I still remember this praise and dream of getting more and more.

This negative trait in the circumstances had its advantages. Because the pedometer encouraged my extra effort, I was more willing to take it on. One morning I planned to take the subway to the dentist, but as I crossed the threshold, I realized: “On foot, I will get to him in the same time, but I will be able to gain additional steps to my asset.” In addition, the “Hawthorne effect” worked in my favor, consisting in the fact that people who are studied increase their productivity. In this case, I myself acted as a guinea pig in my own experiment.

Walking also had an added benefit: it helped me think. Nietzsche wrote, “All truly great thoughts come on the run,” and science confirms his observation. Physical activity promotes the release of substances in the brain that help a person think more clearly. In fact, if you just go beyond the threshold, it already contributes to the clarification of the mind and a surge of energy. Lack of light is one of the reasons people feel tired, and even five minutes of daylight releases serotonin and dopamine, mood-enhancing hormones.

Many times, struggling with guilt, I got up from my desk to take a walk, and on the way I was visited by insights that are elusive during the time of hard work. (Perhaps it had something to do with stopping at the store to buy yogurt.)

Put things in order

The clutter in the house constantly consumes my energy; as soon as I cross the threshold, I feel that it is necessary to collect scattered clothes and toys. I am not alone in my struggle with clutter. Unable to cope with all their belongings, people start more and more containers to store it; the number of such containers in the country has doubled over the past decade. One study claims that eliminating clutter could reduce housework by 40% in the average household.

Dedicating the first month of my project to tidying up can seem a bit petty, as if my main goal in life is a disassembled chest of drawers. But I really longed for order and tranquility, which in everyday language means, in particular, jackets hung in their places, and a supply of napkins in the house.

In addition, I was oppressed by the invisible, but no less painful burden of mental disorder. I had a long list of things to do, the mere memory of which made me feel guilty. I needed to clear the rubbish in my soul.

To begin with, I decided to look into apparent disorder, and I discovered something surprising: scientists who have studied happiness do not even mention disorder. They do not consider this phenomenon among the factors influencing happiness, or among the strategies for achieving happiness.

Philosophers also ignore it, although Samuel Johnson, who expressed his opinions about everything in the world, remarked: «The money best invested is that spent on the well-being of the house.»

However, in ordinary human life, issues of restoring order are actively discussed. No matter how happiness is understood by thinkers, ordinary people are convinced that getting rid of clutter will make them happier. They «invest in home well-being» by buying home economics magazines, reading related blogs, and practicing amateur forms of feng shui. Many, like me, believe that the physical environment affects mental well-being.

I walked around my house to assess the task before me. For the first time I really took a closer look at it and was amazed at how much rubbish had quietly accumulated! Our apartment was bright and comfortable, but everything around was covered with rubbish.

For example, after examining our bedroom, I was simply discouraged. The light green walls and floral designs on the bedspread and curtains gave the room a sense of calm and coziness, but papers were strewn everywhere—on the dressing table, on the floor, and in the corners. Random stacks of books covered every available space. Random items — video and audio CDs, wires of unknown purpose, coins, business cards, booklets — were scattered like confetti. Items that needed to be removed, items that had no place, unidentified items — they all needed to find a suitable place, throw it away or give it to someone.

Puzzled by the amount of work ahead, I remembered my tenth commandment: «Do what needs to be done.» This commandment merged together a lot of instructions and advice that my mother gave me over the years. In fact, global tasks depress me, and I usually try to make my life easier by cutting corners.

We recently moved, and before that I just panicked at the amount of things that needed to be done. Which shipping company should I contact? Where to get boxes? How do we fit our furniture into a small elevator in a new house? I was in prostration. My mother always reacted calmly and prosaically. She reminded me to just do what needs to be done.

“It really isn’t all that difficult,” she encouraged me when I called her to chat. Make a to-do list, do a little each day, and stay calm.

Passing exams, writing letters of thanks, raising a child, cleaning carpets, checking the countless references in my biography of Winston Churchill… My mother always assured me that nothing is impossible if, little by little, step by step, do what must be done.

Inspection of our dwelling allowed us to conclude that all the rubbish can be divided into different categories. First of all it was nostalgic junk, trailing behind me from the past years of my life. I noted to myself that there was no need to keep a large box of materials for a seminar I taught a few years ago.

Second, it was useless trash — things stored because they are in principle necessary, although I personally do not need them. Why, one wonders, do I need 23 flower vases?

I saw another kind of rubbish in other houses, but I didn’t really suffer from it myself. This is discounted items — bought not because they are needed, but only because they were sold at a discount. I myself suffered from similar rubbish — trinkets, all sorts of useless souvenirs and someone else’s gifts. Not long ago, my mother-in-law mentioned that she would like to get rid of the table lamp and asked if I would like to take it. “Of course,” I answered automatically. «It’s a great lamp.»

But after a few days, she changed her mind. The light from the lamp fell unsuccessfully, I did not like its color, and in general we had nowhere to put it. Later, I emailed her: “Actually, we don’t really need the lamp. But thanks anyway».

I also had a problem with used junk. These are the things I used even though I knew I shouldn’t have. For example, a monstrous green sweatshirt bought more than ten years ago on sale, or underwear worn to holes in eight years. These things pissed off my mom. «How can you wear that?» she was indignant. She herself always looked beautiful. I just couldn’t resist the shapeless sweatpants and pitiful T-shirts.

I was especially annoyed pretentious rubbish — things that I owned, but used only in my dreams. For example, silver cutlery from our wedding, or beige shoes with very high heels. A variation of this category is obsolete trash. For example, I found a junkyard of plastic photo frames in my chest of drawers, which I have long abandoned because I use high-quality frames.

In addition, there were also bad purchases. Sometimes, instead of admitting that I bought an unnecessary thing, I put it on the far shelf in the hope that it will “someday come in handy.” For example, a canvas bag that I used only once, immediately after purchase, or impractical white trousers.

After assessing the whole situation, I turned to the focus of the mess in the house — my wardrobe. I never knew how to fold things properly, and sloppy piles of US dollars and sweaters piled up on the shelves. There were too many clothes hanging on the shoulders, and I had to use force to get something. Mountains of socks and T-shirts clogged the drawers, making them hard to close. From here I will start cleaning.

In order to concentrate properly, I stayed at home when Jamie took the girls to visit their parents. As soon as the elevator doors slammed shut behind them, I set to work.

I am aware of the recommendations that in my case it is useful to invest in a new wardrobe, additional clothes boxes that can be easily placed under the bed, or new hangers that can hang four trousers. However, I had the only means — garbage bags. I set aside one bag for what to throw away, the other for what to give away, and delved into the disassembly.

First of all, I had to get rid of things that no one would ever wear again. Goodbye, old sweatpants! Then I began to select things that, apparently, are unlikely to wear. Farewell, gray sweater barely covering the navel! Then the choice became more difficult. I liked the gray trousers, but I couldn’t decide what shoes to wear them with. And here is a good dress, but I have nowhere to go in such a thing … I forced myself to remember how long this or that thing was worn. If she couldn’t remember, she threw it away.

Then I began to catch myself on different tricks. When I said: “And I, perhaps, will wear this,” it meant that in fact I did not wear it. «I wore this» could mean that the dress was worn twice in five years. «I could wear it» should be understood as «I have never worn it and never will.»

When I finished with the wardrobe, I went through it again. In the end, four bags of clothes appeared in front of me, and in the closet the back wall became visible in some places. I no longer felt oppressed — on the contrary, inspired. I am finally free from seeing my mistakes! No more fussy searching for every item.

Having freed up some space, I wanted more. I have used every possible means. Why do I need, one wonders, thirty extra hangers? I got rid of everyone, leaving only a few, and this again freed up space. I threw away several shopping bags that had been stored for years for no reason.

At first, I planned to sort only the clothes on the hangers, but, full of enthusiasm, I started on the shelves with socks and T-shirts. Instead of sorting through their contents, I simply emptied them and began to put back only what I actually wore.

Looking at the empty closet, I triumphed. So much free space! I no longer feel guilty!

The next day I wanted to take the next step.

“We’re going to do something fun today,” I said to Jamie, who was watching sports news on TV.

— How? he asked, not letting go of the remote control.

We’ll clean up your closet.

“Well, okay,” he agreed. I was not surprised by his reaction, Jamie loves order. He turned off the TV.

«But we won’t throw away much,» he warned me. I wear most of these things all the time.

“Yes, of course,” I said softly. And I thought to myself: «We’ll see …»

Clearing out his closet was really fun. Jamie sat on the bed while I removed the hangers from his closet, two at a time. Much less preoccupied than I was, he nodded and shook his head—except once, when he exclaimed, «I’ve never seen those trousers in my life!» He managed to get rid of a whole bag of clothes.

In the weeks that followed, as I opened my half-empty closet, I noticed a paradox: even though I had far fewer clothes in front of me, I felt like I had more because the only thing left in the closet was what I actually intended to wear.

In addition, the limited choice of clothes made me feel happier.

Although people believe that they like more choice, in fact, the excess of choice is discouraging. Instead of bringing satisfaction to people, the wide range of possibilities is paralyzing.

It is known that when confronted, for example, with two dozen varieties of jam in the store or with many retirement investment opportunities, people often either just make a random choice or walk away altogether, not bothering to make a really informed decision. I definitely felt happier choosing from two pairs of black trousers that I liked rather than five pairs of black trousers, most of which were either uncomfortable or out of fashion, which made me feel guilty for not wearing them. I wear.

Who would have thought that such an ordinary activity would inspire me so much! From that moment on, I became obsessed with talking about putting things in order. I asked my friends to suggest some new strategies.

“Focus on the junkyard areas,” one friend advised, “the places where everyone dumps things, like the kitchen table.”

“Right,” I agreed. — We have such a zone on an armchair in the bedroom. We never sit on it, we just dump clothes and magazines there.

— Garbage attracts garbage. If you clean it, then the purity will be preserved. And one more thing,” she continued, “when you buy any new household appliance, put all the wires, instructions, parts in a separate zippered bag and label it. So you get rid of a tangle of incomprehensible wires, and when you decide to part with the device, at the same time get rid of all related details.

“Try to imagine that you are moving,” another friend added, “I did it myself. Walk around the apartment and ask yourself: if you have to move, will I pack it or get rid of it?

Another stated:

“I don’t keep anything for sentimental reasons. Only what I use.

These suggestions were useful, but the last rule seemed to me too harsh. For example, I will never throw away the «Justice on the Run» T-shirt that I wore to aerobics classes with Judge O’Connor when I worked for her. I will not throw away the undershirts in which our eldest daughter Eliza was brought from the hospital. (Such things, at least, do not take up much space. But a friend of mine keeps twelve tennis rackets from the time she played with them in her student days.)

One day, when a former classmate of mine visited me in New York, we sat down to talk about getting rid of junk over coffee.

“Nothing in life gives you the immediate satisfaction you get from taking apart your medicine cabinet,” I said.

“Yes, nothing,” she agreed with equal passion. But she didn’t stop there. — You know, I also have a free shelf.

— What do you mean?

— I keep one shelf in the house completely free. The rest may be full, but one is always empty.

I was bribed by the poetry of this recipe. Empty shelf! But she had three children… An empty shelf symbolized an opportunity, a space that could be filled. It was a luxurious disregard for utility for the sake of elegance. I need this shelf too. When I got home, I immediately emptied the shelf in my closet. Not such a big shelf, but now it was empty. Awesome!

I searched the whole apartment, and not a single object, even the smallest one, escaped my sight. I have long been annoyed by the frightening accumulation of every little thing that attracts kids. Glitter balls, miniature lanterns, small plastic figurines of animals…they were all over the place. The girls did not want to part with these pleasant trinkets, but putting them in order was not easy: where to put them?

My Eighth Commandment says: «Clarify the problem.» Often a certain problem can bother me for years because I have not figured out what it is and how it can be solved. A clear statement of the problem is almost tantamount to solving it. For example, I never liked to hang my jacket, I always left it thrown on the back of a chair.

Question: «Why do I never hang up my jacket?»

Answer: «I don’t like messing around with a hanger.»

Solution: «Use the hook on the inside of the door.»

When I asked myself: «What’s the problem with all these small toys?», The answer came quickly: «Eliza and Eleanor do not want to part with them, but there is nowhere to put them.» That’s all! I immediately saw the solution to my problem. The next day I went to the store and bought five large transparent jars. I collected trinkets from all over the apartment and put them in jars. The mess has been cleared! All five jars are full. I had no idea that the jars on the shelf would look so beautiful, even festive. My solution turned out to be not only practical, but also decorative.

An unexpected pleasant consequence of putting things in order was getting rid of the «syndrome of four thermometers.» I could never find a thermometer and every time I bought a new one. Upon completion of the cleaning, I discovered that we had four thermometers (although I never used them, I checked the temperature of the girls by touch). Here it is, another secret of maturity: when you can’t find something, clean it up.

I’ve found that while it’s much easier to put things in common areas—in a chest of drawers, on the kitchen table—it’s better when each item has its own place. One of life’s little pleasures is putting things back where they belong. Putting the shoe cream on the second shelf of the chest of drawers, I experience a feeling that is akin to the pleasure of an archer who sent an arrow right on target.

A few daily rules help to avoid cluttering up the apartment. First, in line with the Fourth Commandment, «Act Now,» I began to use the «one minute rule»: don’t put off an action that can be done in a minute. Put away the umbrella, fill out the document, throw the newspaper in the trash can, close the locker door… Each such action takes a matter of moments, but the cumulative result is impressive.

Along with the one-minute rule, I made it a rule to do my evening cleaning and dedicate ten minutes to it before bed. This allows you to make the morning more calm and enjoyable and, as an additional reward, promotes bedtime. Putting things in order is very calming, plus physical activity helps me feel like I’m tired. If you spend an hour in bed before going to bed with a book in your hands, you will never feel such bliss when falling asleep.

When the confusion in the closets and pantries was overcome, I pounced on what was left in plain sight. For example, we subscribe to a lot of magazines, and it is very difficult to keep them neatly. I emptied one drawer in the closet, and now the magazines are where they can be easily reached to take with you when you go to the gym. Previously, I pinned various invitations, notes from school and other memos to a special board. I took them all off and put them in a special folder labeled «Upcoming Events and Invitations.» This did not make me less organized than before, but it allowed me to get rid of the chaos that was conspicuous.

Cleaning was awe-inspiring to me because it seemed like a huge job. And so it turned out. But every time, looking around the house and seeing the order and the vacant place, I experienced a surge of energy. Rejoicing at the improvement in the situation in the house, I kept waiting for Jamie to finally say: “Well done! You’ve done a great job!» But she didn’t wait. This made me a little sad, because I appreciate the encouragement. However, he did not mind sending tons of junk for sale. Although he did not appreciate my efforts as I expected, it was not so important. Still, I was inspired and did not stop efforts to restore order.

Finish pending tasks

Unfinished business drains my energy, making me feel guilty. I felt like a bad friend because I didn’t buy a wedding present. I felt like an irresponsible member of the family because I had never been screened for skin cancer (I have very sensitive skin like redheads do). I felt like a bad mother because little Eleanor needed new shoes. I imagined myself sitting at my laptop and brushing off the reminders that clung to me like annoying flies buzzing: “Do it! Do It!» I needed relief from suffering.

So I made a five-page to-do list. It was a very exciting activity, but in the end I had to recognize the need to do many things that I had avoided for a long time, for years. In order to boost my morale, I added a few more points to the list that can be completed in five minutes.

Over the next few weeks, I selflessly carried out the plan. I finally passed the medical examination. Washed the windows. I made backups on my computer. Dealt with a mysterious cable TV bill. I took the shoes to the shoe shop.

However, as my list dwindled, I experienced a boomerang effect — tasks that I thought I had gotten rid of were again in front of me. A year and a half later, after congratulating myself on yet another item that was crossed off the list, I went to the dentist to whiten my teeth and found out that one filling needed to be replaced. After many months of procrastination, I went to the house manager to fix the light fixture in the bedroom. It turned out that he couldn’t do it. He gave me the electrician’s phone number. He came, removed the lamp from the wall, but could not fix it. He gave me the address of the repair shop. I took the lamp to the workshop. Picked it up a week later, an electrician came to put it back on the wall. Finally the light worked. Boomerang, boomerang, boomerang…

I had to come to terms with the fact that some pending things would never be crossed off my list. I will have to deal with them every day for the rest of my life. Eventually, I ended up using a skin barrier every day…well, almost every day. I started flossing my teeth daily… or almost daily. (Although I knew that sun exposure could lead to skin cancer and diseased gums could lead to tooth loss, a much stronger motivating consideration was to avoid wrinkles and bad breath.)

Sometimes the hardest part of getting things done was having to make the decision to do it. I once started the day by emailing a 48-word email that I wrote in 45 seconds. This unsolved problem weighed heavily on me for at least two weeks. Such unsolved problems are disproportionately exhausting.

An important aspect of happiness is managing your mood. Research shows that one of the best ways to cheer up is to achieve easy success, like getting over a delayed task. I was amazed at the amazing surge of spiritual energy that the solution of such problems brought.

Act more energetically

To experience a surge of energy, I applied one of my Twelve Commandments: «Behave the way you want to feel.» This commandment embodies the most useful discoveries I have made in my research on the phenomenon of happiness. Although we think we behave the way we feel, we actually feel the way we behave. For example, it has been found that even an artificially induced smile generates positive emotions.

Recent experiments have shown that after Botox injections, people are less angry — for the reason that it is more difficult for them to make an angry facial expression. Philosopher and psychologist William James explained: “It seems as if action follows feeling. But in fact, action and feeling are inseparable. By directing actions that are more easily amenable to volitional control, we can indirectly control feelings that are not subject to direct control. From ancient times to the present day, much advice has been given based on the observation that you can change your mood by changing your behavior.

“Fake it until you really feel it” — such a strategy seems too primitive, but I myself was convinced of its high efficiency. When I felt tired, I began to act more energetically. I quickened my pace. I tried to give more expressiveness to my voice. Sometimes even the prospect of playing with my children made me feel tired. But one day, instead of organizing a game that allowed me to lie on the couch (and I’m amazingly resourceful at this), I jumped up and suggested: «Let’s build a tent!» And it worked. I managed to feel a surge of energy by acting energetically.

January results

By the end of January, a promising start had been made. But did I feel happier? It was still too early to judge. I began to feel more cheerful and calmer, although at times I experienced overexertion, but less often than before.

I’ve found that rewarding myself for good behavior, even if it’s just a checkmark on my to-do list, makes it easier for me to stick to that promise. Even a small reward matters. However, I had to constantly remind myself of the commitments I had made. I noticed that by the end of the month my aspirations had weakened. I liked the grandiose dismantling of closets, but constantly keeping the apartment in order turned out to be Sisyphean labor, without end. True, the “one minute rule” and nightly cleaning helped me to cope little by little with the mess and not let it grow to its former extent.

Either way, I was overwhelmed by the burst of energy and satisfaction I felt from putting things in order. It became a pleasure to look into the closet, which had irritated me before. The stack of papers that had gradually turned yellow on my desk was gone. Samuel Johnson wrote: “It is by doing little thingswe are learning the great art of reducing suffering and increasing happiness.”

Remember love

Marriage

February

• Stop whining and grumbling.
• Don’t expect praise or admiration.
• Quarrel properly.
• Don’t blame someone else.
• Reaffirm your love.

A disturbing finding in research on happiness and family life is that marital satisfaction declines markedly after the birth of the first child. The presence of newborns and especially teenagers in the family exposes marriage to a difficult test.

Jamie and I have been married for eleven years, and no doubt the petty friction between us has intensified with the arrival of our daughter, Eliza. Until then, the words «Do it yourself!» never left my lips. In recent years, I have become too often grumble, complain, grumble. It’s time to do something about it.

As sentimental as it sounds, Jamie and I have been in love ever since the day we met in the library. I was in my first year at the time, he was in my sophomore. (The jacket he was wearing that day is still carefully stored in my closet.) Lately, however, it has been bothering me that the accumulation of petty grievances and grievances has seemed to have stifled our love.

Our marriage, however, was not in danger. We did not hesitate to openly show each other our affection. Condescendingly treated mutual weaknesses, easily settled conflicts. We did not engage in the behaviors that John Gotman, a leading authority on family relations, calls the «Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse» because of their destructive role. This is ignoring, reproaches, self-justification, contempt. Perhaps we have sometimes sinned by ignoring, reproaching and self-justifying, but never by contempt, the worst of the four sins.

But we (at least I) have adopted some bad habits that we should get rid of.

Working on family relationships was one of the obvious objectives of my project, since a good family is one of the most important factors associated with happiness. This is partly manifested in the fact that happy people, compared with unhappy people, find it easier to create and maintain a family.

But the family itself brings happiness, providing the cooperation and support that everyone needs.

For me, as for most married people, marital status determines all other important life decisions regarding where to live, children, work, friendship, leisure. The family atmosphere sets the tone for my whole life. That’s why I decided not only to include the family in my project, but also to do it early, from the second month.

Relationships with Jamie in many ways determined my life, but, unfortunately, it was in them that I most often behaved badly, allowing myself too much grumbling and reproaches. If a light bulb burned out in the house, or if I was annoyed by the mess, or even if my work wasn’t going well, it was always my husband who got the blame.

In Jamie’s nature, contradictory traits are bizarrely intertwined. Due to his inherent sarcasm to those who don’t know him well, he can come off as arrogant and even gooey. But in fact, he is a very kind and gentle person. My husband is able to piss me off by refusing to perform certain household duties, but he can, without any of my requests, voluntarily fix my computer. He doesn’t choose birthday presents very well, but he can give me something very nice for no reason at all. Like any person, he combines good and not very good qualities, and my main sin is that I meticulously notice his weaknesses and mistakes, and take his virtues for granted.

While working on my project, I realized one important thing: I cannot change other people. As tempting as it may seem, I can’t improve the family atmosphere by making Jamie behave differently. I have to work on myself. For inspiration, I turned to the last of my Twelve Commandments: «Love is only one.»

I owe this commandment to one of my friends. This phrase was born to her when she had to be hired for a very responsible job under the guidance of a man with a difficult character. The personnel officer who received her opened up: “I’ll be honest: John Doe is an excellent employee, but it’s not easy to get along with him. So think carefully about whether you need it … «My friend really wanted to get this job and said to herself:» There is only one love. From that moment on, she drove away bad thoughts about John Doe from herself, never complained about him behind his back and did not want to listen to others criticize him.

— Colleagues, probably, consider you a toady? I asked her.

“Oh no,” she replied. “They would like to behave the same way. John pisses everyone off, but I can honestly say that I like him.

If my friend has learned to treat her boss this way, why shouldn’t I try to do the same with Jamie? He was my only love, but I often let little things ruin everything. I myself did not follow my own rules of conduct, and when I was ashamed of my actions, I began to behave even worse.

Love is a strange thing. If Jamie needs a kidney transplant, I won’t hesitate to donate mine to him. But if he asks inopportunely to go to the pharmacy again and buy shaving cream, I can go berserk. According to research, the most common causes of marital conflict are money, work, sex, religion, children, relationships with the spouse’s parents, hobbies and leisure. The appearance of a newborn is another serious problem. While these categories seem to cover everything, they don’t quite cover my problem areas.

I thought a lot about our marriage and what I can change in order to return to the relationship the tenderness and calmness that was inherent in them before the birth of the first child.

First of all, I needed to change my attitude towards homework. I whined and grumbled too much about this. And I not only reproached Jamie for the unfinished business, but was also unhappy that he supposedly did not appreciate my contribution enough. Secondly, I wanted to learn to look at life easier, especially in those moments when I am angry. I am reminded of the words of G. K. Chesterton: “It is easy to be a heavy person, it is hard to be light.” (Or, as the saying goes, «Dying is easy, enjoying life is harder.»)

Also, I wanted to stop taking Jamie’s virtues for granted. Little everyday courtesies are much more important than a bouquet on Valentine’s Day, and I would like to not skimp on such small courtesies and praises. After all, one of my Maturity Secrets says, “What you do every day means a lot more than what you do occasionally.”

Jamie didn’t ask me what experiments I had in mind for the coming month, and I didn’t tell him anything. I knew him well enough to understand that although he himself is aware that he acts in some way as a guinea pig, knowing the details will make him shy.

Fulfilling the obligations assumed is not an easy task, and I understood this well. I was fully aware that I was unlikely to be able to perform every conceived action every day, but I decided to set the bar higher for myself. I started my project with increasing energy and getting rid of rubbish, knowing full well that it is easier to awaken love in the soul when you do not feel exhausted by mental and physical disorder. It may seem frivolous, but by cleaning my closets and getting enough sleep, I have achieved a more peaceful state of mind. The task before me was to continue to adhere to the January commitments, although a new list related to February was added to them.

Stop whining and grumbling

Jamie can’t stand it when I nag at him. I don’t like to grumble myself. However, I do it all the time. Research evidence shows that marital satisfaction is largely determined by the friendship between spouses, and nothing destroys friendship (and love) like mutual nit-picking and reproaches. Besides, reproaches are of no use.

Sending out Valentine’s Day cards every year tested this intention of mine. One day, shortly after Eliza was born, I wanted to send out all the traditional greeting cards at once. More out of desperation than originality, I decided to do this in February, for Valentine’s Day, and not in December, during the Christmas fever.

When it came time to send out cards this year, Jamie and I were sitting in front of the TV watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I looked around at the pile of cards and envelopes I had prepared and asked, “Are you going to sign or seal?”

He sighed.

“Please don’t make me.

I did not immediately find an answer. Should I insist that he help? Tell him it’s not fair — blame it all on me? That the main chores for the choice of postcards fell on my lot and the easiest part remains for him? .. On the other hand, it was my idea with postcards. Is it fair to ask him for help? But it wasn’t even about fairness. I’d rather do it myself than feel like a jerk.

“Okay,” I said with a sigh. — Do not worry about that.

I experienced a slight hesitation when I saw him lean back against the back of the couch. But then I realized: from the fact that I did not insist grumpily, I was much more pleasant than if I myself had stayed to watch TV, not being distracted by the envelopes.

When the film ended, Jamie took my hand and asked:

— Can I wish you Happy Valentine’s Day?

And I was glad that I did not insist.

To make things easier for myself, I’ve compiled a list of techniques to deal with grumbling. First of all, since it is unpleasant to take orders, I came up with ways to set tasks for each other without words. For example, if I place an envelope on the floor in front of the hallway door, Jamie realizes that he must put it in the mailbox on the way to work.

I made it a rule to limit myself to a one-word reminder. Instead of grumbling, “Remember, you promised to fix our video camera before we took it to the park?” I just say, “Camera.” He gets up from the table and starts fixing it. I had to remind myself that tasks don’t have to be done on a strict schedule.

For example, I remembered a toy I had forgotten in a closet in the basement, and I thought that Eleanor would love to play with it. I should have asked Jamie to bring it… But I had to remind myself that there was no need to do so immediately. I also tried to avoid grumbling about «It’s for your own good…». I refrained from prodding Jamie: take an umbrella, finish your breakfast, go to the dentist … Some people think that this kind of grumbling is evidence of love. But I believe that an adult is capable of deciding whether to wear a sweater without outside prompting.

Of course, the easiest (but by no means the best) way to avoid whining is to do everything yourself. For example, one day I decided that it was Jamie who should make sure that we always had enough cash on hand. When it was my duty, we always had money, and I felt much more comfortable. When he undertook this, it was difficult for me to resist cavils and reproaches. So, it seemed to me that he overpaid a lot by buying a new video camera. However, it was his decision, and he has the right to accept it.

I also tried to notice and encourage all the merits of Jamie. Undoubtedly, I sinned «unconscious overestimation.» This phenomenon is that we tend to exaggerate our own abilities and our contribution to the common cause in comparison with the abilities and contributions of others. (This is reminiscent of what Garrison Keillor dubbed the «Lake Wobegon illusion»: the tendency of each person to evaluate themselves above the average (The Lake Wobegon illusion is a socio-psychological phenomenon that takes its name from the fictional provincial town of Lake Wobegon, where allegedly “all women are strong, men are handsome, and children are above average.” Events from the life of this town formed the plot of a popular radio series in the United States by journalist and satirist Garrison Keillor. in a team project, were asked to evaluate their personal contribution — the sum of their assessments was 139%. We are much more aware of what we do ourselves than what others are doing. So, I can complain that I spent a lot of time paying our bills, but just don’t notice how long it took Jamie to fix our car.

I have a friend who came up with a radical solution. She and her husband do not give each other instructions. Although they have four children, there is an unspoken agreement between them — never demand: «You have to take the guys to the holiday» or «Fix the cistern, it’s leaking again.» The system works because everyone actively contributes. But I still can’t imagine how you can live like this. This is an unattainable ideal, although inspiring.

Don’t expect praise and admiration

As I reviewed my habits, I discovered another form of grumbling related to the things I did. I expected more praise from Jamie.

In situations like the one that happened with greeting cards, I wanted not so much to get help as to hear from Jamie: “What wonderful cards! Well done!» I wanted to receive a medal for my work.

Why do I need these medals so much? What is this vanity that needs to be satisfied? Anxiety that needs support? Whatever it was, I knew I needed to appease my thirst for applause. Moreover, you need to stop wanting so badly that Jamie must pay attention to my merits. I made it a rule for myself: «Do not expect praise and admiration.»

Until I began to pay close attention to this, I did not realize how much this need affects my behavior. One morning I went out in my bathrobe to the kitchen at 7.30:6.00 am. Most of the night I sat near Eleanor, who was unwell; Jamie relieved me at XNUMX:XNUMX and I was able to lie down.

“Good morning,” I muttered as I cracked open a Diet Coke. And not a word of gratitude for the donated one and a half hours of sleep.

Jamie hesitated a little, then hinted:

“I hope you appreciate that I saved your time this morning.

He also wanted a medal, although he himself did not give them out very generously.

I was concerned with how to behave better in family life, and I am proud that I learned a lot about it. So, did I say in a gentle voice, “Of course I appreciate it. Thanks a lot. You are my hero»? Did I hug him gratefully? Nothing like this. After all, Jamie did not praise me for sitting with Eleanor. I just snorted, “Yes, I appreciate that. But you yourself never appreciate if I give you the opportunity to sleep. But you want to thank me for letting me sleep…” Looking at Jamie, I realized that I should have reacted differently. And I reminded myself of the Ninth Commandment: «Cheer up.»

I hugged him.

— Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I really thank you for letting me sleep.

We hugged and held each other in our arms for at least six seconds. As I learned from my research, this is exactly the time it takes for the release of oxytocin and serotonin, the hormones that promote attachment.

This incident made me realize something important. Every time I convinced myself that I was doing some work, doing something «for Jamie» or «for everyone.» It sounded generous, but the result was bad: I was upset if I did not receive encouragement from my husband. Then I began to convince myself in a different way: “I am doing this for myself. That’s what I want myself.» It was me who wanted to send out valentines or clean up the kitchen. It sounded selfish, but there was no question of selfishness, because I no longer grumbled, demanding encouragement from Jamie or anyone else. Nobody could see what I was doing.

I have a friend whose parents were once active in the civil rights movement. He said: “They said that this should be done for its own sake. If you do it for the sake of others, then in the end you expect approval. If it’s for yourself, then it doesn’t matter how others react to it. ” In my opinion, this is correct.

However, I have to admit that I’m still waiting for Jamie’s approval. Whether I should or shouldn’t want it, I still want it.

Fight right

The grumbling was easier to deal with than the other behaviors I wanted to change. I was faced with a more serious problem related to my other goal — to take life easier. Marital conflicts are of two types — those that have a clear solution, and those that do not. Unfortunately, most controversies involve an open-ended solution — «How do we spend our money?» or “How do we raise our children?”, rather than the easier option — “What movie will we watch this weekend?”, “Where will we go on vacation in the summer?”.

Some contradictions are inevitable and even useful. Since Jamie and I have to argue, I would like these arguments to be pleasant, so that we can joke and express our feelings, even if there is a contradiction between us.

I also wanted to overcome my hidden vice — the tendency to reproach. Very often, in petty skirmishes, I allowed myself outbursts of discontent, and this had a bad effect on the entire family atmosphere. I have often wondered why anger, along with pride, gluttony, lust, laziness and envy, is among the seven deadly sins, although they do not seem to be as terrible as many other vices. It seems that they are considered mortal sins not because of their severity, but because they are capable of generating other, even worse passions. They seem to open the gates through which heavy sins enter. Of the seven deadly sins, I was no doubt especially prone to anger.

The style of conflict resolution is very important for the well-being of a marriage; Gottman’s Love Lab studies show that how spouses argue matters more than how much they argue.

Couples who argue correctly settle only one issue at once, rather than remembering each other’s sins since the first date. These couples focus on the discussion instead of exploding, and don’t use rebukes like «You never…» or «You always…». They know how to bring the argument to the end, instead of arguing for hours. They use «softening techniques» — words and actions that do not allow bad feelings to spill out. In such couples, spouses are able to realize what other influence the other spouse is experiencing. For example, a husband understands how a wife is torn between work and home, or a wife understands how a husband is torn between the demands of his mother and mother-in-law…

Here is an example of how not to quarrel. Although I hate to think about it, I confess: I sometimes snore. Mentions of this infuriate me because snoring is so ugly. Jamie joked about it one morning and I tried to relax and laugh with him.

A few weeks later, however, we were listening to the news on the radio early in the morning in bed. I thought about how much more comfortable our bedroom has become since I cleaned it up. And Jamie muttered in an ironic voice:

I want to start the day with a couple of observations. First, you snored again…

“And this is the first thing I should hear in the morning?” I exploded and nearly threw a pillow at him as I got out of bed. “Snored… Didn’t you think of anything nicer?” I started running around the room. “If you want me to stop, it would be better to just push me lightly than to mock me later!”

What lesson can be learned from this? Once, after laughing with him, I showed Jamie that snoring can also be played with. I tried to take it easy, but I couldn’t. I would like to be able to laugh at myself … From the very beginning I had to behave honestly, otherwise Jamie did not even understand that his remark could piss me off. Therefore, this time, enough exercises in disputes. I failed to fulfill my promise. I’ll be better next time (hopefully).

In marriage, it is not so important to have more pleasures as to experience less grief. People are generally prone to «negative exaggeration» — we experience troubles more and longer than joys. In any language, there are more words expressing negative emotions than positive ones.

In family relationships, it takes at least five positive steps to balance one bad, harmful action. So one way to strengthen a marriage is to make sure that the positive outweighs the negative. When the relationship of the spouses is constantly imbued with kindness and love, it is much easier to deal with an accidental contradiction. In my opinion, to smooth over the unpleasant consequences of our snoring fight, it will take even more than five steps on both sides.

Learning how to quarrel properly is very important to my happiness. Due to the fact that I did not know how, I had to constantly be tormented by repentance. Mark Twain said, «A bad conscience is like a hair in your mouth.» Sometimes Jamie will do something nasty, I will snap at him, and then I feel bad, blaming him for it. Although, in fact, the reason for my disappointment is not his behavior, but embarrassment for my own reaction to him. If you quarrel correctly, then there is nothing to repent of, and this brings happiness closer.

Once, when I could not manage to behave correctly for a long time, this allowed me to understand what was the matter. We planned to spend the weekend with Jamie’s parents. My mother-in-law and father-in-law, Judy and Bob, are wonderful grandparents and traveling with them is a real pleasure. I was so busy getting ready to meet them that I didn’t notice how terribly hungry I was. Already almost at the door, feeling unbearably hungry, I put my hand into a huge box of heart-shaped sweets that Eliza received as a gift for Valentine’s Day.

After I hurriedly swallowed all these sweets, I became unwell, and I could not refrain from angry remarks.

«Jamie, get these papers out of my sight!»

«Eliza, stop hanging on me, you’ll break my arm.»

“Jamie, why didn’t you take this bag?”

Even when, after such an unsuccessful start, we finally reached the hotel, I could not get rid of unpleasant experiences.

— Are you all right? Jamie asked.

«Of course it’s all right,» I muttered. I calmed down for a while, but soon the bad mood came flooding back.

In the evening, when Eliza and Eleanor went to bed, the adults were able to talk in detail. After dinner, we drank coffee (not the first time that I have been a member of this family, I never cease to be amazed at the ability of Judy and Bob to drink caffeinated espresso after dinner). Then they started talking about a recent article in the New York Times about the trials of VX-950, a new drug for the treatment of hepatitis C.

These tests were of great interest to us. Jamie often jokingly refers to herself as a broken toy, referring to her sore knee, a noticeable scar from childhood surgery, and occasional back spasms. But his most sick organ is the liver. He suffers from hepatitis C.

This chronic and deadly disease, however, has its good side. Hepatitis C is not contagious, it is transmitted only when the virus enters the blood directly. Jamie has no external symptoms, he learned about his illness only from the results of a blood test. One day he will develop cirrhosis, his liver will stop functioning, and he will be in big trouble. But for now, he’s fine. He is not alone in his misfortune, many people suffer from the same disease, and pharmaceutical companies are tirelessly developing the necessary medicines. There are about 3 million patients with hepatitis C in the United States, and over 170 million worldwide. Research in this area is very active, and the doctor reassured Jamie that, in all likelihood, a reliable cure will appear in the next 5-8 years. The course of the disease is very long, most patients can live with hepatitis C for 20-30 years, avoiding cirrhosis.

Thirty years seems like a very long time. However, Jamie contracted the disease through a blood transfusion during an operation when he was an eight-year-old boy. At that time, tests for hepatitis C had not yet been done. Now he is 38 years old.

The treatment currently available, interferon with ribavirin, does not help him. We can only hope that Jamie will be able to hold out until the time when a new drug appears. True, in addition to cirrhosis and liver failure, which in itself is a rather bleak prospect, hepatitis C increases the likelihood of liver cancer. But, fortunately, a liver transplant is also possible, although it is not easy to get a donor liver. (Like the old restaurant joke: «The food is disgusting! And the portions are too small!»)

That’s why we began discussing the article in the New York Times with such interest. My father-in-law Bob found her very reassuring. But every time he spoke, I began to object.

“If you believe what is written, the results are promising,” he said.

“But both doctors who treat Jamie said it would be five years, if not more, before the drug was approved,” I put in.

“The article says that research is progressing with might and main,” he remarked calmly. Bob never gets excited.

“But it will be too long before the drug hits the market,” I said. (But I often get excited.)

— Research in this area is very active …

“They just don’t see the end…

Etc.

It’s not often that I have reason to reproach Bob for being too optimistic. He is a supporter of rational, probabilistic decision-making and he himself adheres to this approach. His notebook is lined with columns for and against, and he tries to gather as much information as possible from various sources to make a decision.

However, in this situation, Bob chose an optimistic view. Should I have argued with him? I do not agree with his position. But I’m not a doctor — how much do I know?

My intentions about my behavior were big, but achievable. I realized that in this conversation, my tendency to contradict stemmed not so much from morning irritation, but from the desire to protect myself from fruitless illusions. Bob took a positive stance, and I probably would have felt better if I hadn’t objected. And so I upset him, and, of course, Jamie by saying unpleasant things. And my grumpiness made me feel worse. You need to argue correctly, and not only with your husband, but with anyone.

Another little lesson is not to eat a box of chocolates on an empty stomach.

Don’t blame someone else

As a student of the art of argument, I have amassed a vast library of books on communication and marital relationships.

“Anyone who looks at our bookshelves will probably think that our marriage is bursting at the seams,” said Jamie.

— Why? I asked in bewilderment.

— And you yourself, look what you have gathered here … «Seven principles for establishing family life», «Love alone is not enough», «How to save a family with a child», «Gap», «The only man, the only injury.» I’d be worried myself if I didn’t know what you’re working on…

“But it’s great stuff. There’s so much amazing science out there!

— Undoubtedly. However, people don’t start reading such books unless they have a specific reason.

Perhaps Jamie was right. But I was glad that I had the opportunity to get acquainted with the latest discoveries regarding the family and marital relations. I managed to learn a lot. For example, I was struck by the difference between men and women in their attitudes towards intimacy. While both agree that shared activities and mutual frankness are very important, intimacy is considered face-to-face contact by women, while side-by-side contact is considered intimacy by men.

So when Jamie asked, «Do you want to watch The Shield?» I understood what he meant. For him, watching TV together is a serious pastime, and not just sitting silently in front of the screen together …

«Great idea!» I replied. And although watching the adventures of tough Los Angeles cops on the TV screen does not seem romantic to me, I experienced a truly romantic feeling when we cozyed up in front of the screen.

Perhaps because men do not have such high requirements for intimacy, both sexes find communication with women more intimate and enjoyable than with men. Women, more than men, are characterized by the ability to sympathize and empathize with other people. (Even though both are equally sympathetic to animals, whatever that means.) The prediction of whether a person will suffer from loneliness — and this discovery especially struck me — can be based on how many women he or she communicates with. . Communication with men does not play such a role.

When I found out about this, my attitude towards Jamie changed. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me too, and you can completely rely on him. However, I was often annoyed by the fact that he did not like intimate conversations. In particular, I wanted him to show more interest in my work. My sister Elizabeth is a TV screenwriter and I’m jealous that she has Sarah as a co-writer. Almost daily, he and Sarah have long conversations about their writing and career. I don’t have a partner or colleagues with whom I can discuss professional issues, and I would like Jamie to play this role for me.

Besides, I would like to be able to cry all my worries into his vest. I used to have conversations like, «I’m afraid I’m not reaching my full potential,» «I don’t think I’m good at networking,» or «I don’t seem to be a good writer.» However, Jamie was not going to keep up the conversation on these topics, and it made me angry. I wanted him to help me deal with anxiety and self-doubt.

Knowing that both men and women seek sympathy from women, I realized that Jamie was not shying away from such conversations because of a lack of love and affection. It’s just that he, as a man, did not know how to provide the emotional support I needed. Therefore, he was not inclined to get involved in long discussions about whether I should start a blog or how to structure my book. He wasn’t in the mood to take the time to build up my self-confidence. The role of a female co-author clearly did not suit him, and it would be unrealistic to expect this from him. In need of this kind of support, I should have found another source of it. From the fact that I understood this, his behavior, of course, did not change. But I no longer feel resentment.

I also noticed that the more upset I got, the less Jamie was inclined to talk about it.

“You know,” I told him one evening, “I have a bad heart. I would like you to help me feel better. But the worse I am, the less you seem to want to talk to me.

“It just hurts me unbearably to see you unhappy,” was the answer.

And the darkness thickened again … It was not at all the perverted nature of Jamie that did not allow him to be a sympathetic listener: he was not only not in the mood for long intimate conversations, but tried to avoid topics that upset me, because it was excruciatingly painful for him to see how I suffer. But even now I have not been able to get rid of this addiction. I sometimes need a sympathetic listener. But although the husband is still unable to do this role, I now understand what the matter is.

Our conversation made me think about how much my happiness affects Jamie and others. I heard the saying: «Life is good when the wife is good.» There is another, similar: «When mom is unhappy, no one is happy.» At first I thought it sounded great, because it’s about taking care of me! But if these sayings are true, they also carry great responsibility.

I thought about whether my project could be called selfish, because it focuses on my happiness. Indeed, I, striving for happiness, try not to scold Jamie, laugh at his jokes, but this is not the only thing. When I feel happy, it is easier for me to bring happiness to others.

Happy people are generally more generous, generous, resistant to trouble, while unhappy people are unfriendly, unsociable, gloomy. Oscar Wilde said, «A good man is not always happy, but a happy man is always kind.»

Happiness has an exceptionally strong influence on family life, as spouses very easily become infected with each other’s mood. A 30 percent increase in happiness for one spouse makes the other happier, while a decrease in happiness for one depresses the other.

(This is not the only thing. I learned with great interest about the phenomenon of “health pairing”: when it comes to health, spouses behave to a certain extent in concert, learning from each other the skills of a healthy or unhealthy life — diets, exercises, visits to the doctor or smoking and drinking.)

I knew Jamie wanted me to be happy. However, the happier I seem, the more he tries to make me happy. But if I’m unhappy (for whatever reason), Jamie gets sad too. So in my quest to be happier, I made it a principle not to dump my worries on others, especially my husband. I will only share my worries when I really need his support or advice. But I will not load it with petty sorrows and worries.

One Saturday morning I had the opportunity to live up to this vow. It was a rare moment of serenity and calm. Jamie was cleaning up the kitchen after my awkward attempt at making pancakes. Eliza immersed herself in reading the book «Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire», Eleanor enthusiastically colored the pictures in the Scooby Doo coloring book. In the meantime, I was looking through the mail. Opening one innocent-looking letter, I was stunned by unexpected news. The company that issued our credit card said that due to a security breach in their system, our account was blocked, and we need to take care of issuing a new card, with a new number.

It was outrageous. Now I needed to make corrections to all payment documents related to our card. I didn’t even have a list to match, and I had to restore all the contacts that needed to update my account number. Tax transfer, online store account, gym membership account… What else? In addition, the notification simply confronted me with a fact. No apologies, no hint of the firm’s own fault for causing such inconvenience to cardholders! All of this put me out of my mind. It took a lot of time and mental strength to solve this problem. However, when it was finally done, I didn’t feel much better than when I first took it on.

— It’s unthinkable! I lashed out at Jamie. They blocked our account due to their own mistake!

I was about ready to burst into an angry diatribe. But then I remembered the rule: «Do not blame the other.» I hesitated. Why spoil such a calm morning with your irritation! Listening to other people’s complaints is depressing whether you are in a good mood or in a bad mood, and whether these complaints are justified or not. I took a deep breath and cut myself off in mid-sentence. “Well, okay,” was all I said in a restrained tone.

Jamie looked at me in surprise. Then the surprise on his face was replaced by relief. He already knew what I had to hold back. And when I got up to pour myself another coffee, he, without saying a word, hugged me tightly.

Reaffirm your love

I will never forget the words of Pierre Reverdy, which I read while still in college: “There is no love — there are only proofs of love.” No matter how much love I have in my heart, people only see what I do.

Turning to the list of the Twelve Commandments, I noticed that some of the items received several positive check marks, while others received only derogatory X’s. Luckily, «Affirm Your Love» seemed like it could easily become a pleasant habit.

Some ways to show your love are very simple. People are 47% (amazing how these accurate statistics come from) are more likely to feel close to those family members who often show affection to them, compared to those who rarely do so. So I started saying “I love you” to Jamie at every opportunity, and adding YALT at the end of every letter I wrote. In addition, I began to hug my husband and other loved ones more often. Hugs reduce stress, increase closeness, and even relieve pain. In one experiment, people felt happier after hugging someone at least five times a day for a month.

Something I have done right before. I didn’t want every e-mail I sent to Jamie to be filled with annoying questions and reminders. For a change, I began to send him letters with interesting news and funny stories about our daughters.

One day, on my way to a business meeting, I passed by the building where my husband’s office was located. I stopped and called him on my cell phone.

Are you at your table now? I asked.

— So what?

“Look down at the steps of St. Bartholomew’s Church. The church is just opposite his office. Do you see me waving to you?

— Yes I see. I wave back to you.

Having given time to this naive childish gesture, I experienced such a feeling of tenderness that did not leave me for several more hours.

These were mere trifles, but they greatly changed our relations for the better. I had the opportunity to make an even more important gesture as my mother-in-law Judy’s birthday approached.

Parents play an important role in our life. My mother and father live in Kansas City, the city where I grew up. Both of them, or one by one, often visit us, and we ourselves go to them in Kansas City two or three times a year. Such visits are always full of various joint activities. Jamie’s parents live next door to us, literally around the corner. When we leave the house, we often meet them. It’s hard not to notice the gray-haired, stately Judy in a beautiful scarf and confidently walking Bob in an unchanging woolen cap.

Luckily for our marriage, Jamie and I are unanimous when it comes to our relationship with our parents. We both understand how important this is. So it was only natural that I thought about Judy’s birthday. If we asked her how she wants to celebrate her birthday, she would probably say that she doesn’t care. But if you want to know what kind of attitude a person expects towards himself, you should pay attention not so much to what he says, but to what he does, how he behaves.

Judy is a very reliable person, you can always rely on her. She always keeps her word, remembers all important dates. Although she may say that the gifts do not mean anything to her, she always makes gifts herself, chosen with love and very elegantly wrapped. Every year, on our wedding anniversary, she gives us a gift that is symbolically associated with this particular date. For example, on the fourth anniversary, the so-called «flower wedding», she gave us a beautiful flower-patterned bedspread. For a decade of married life, a «tin wedding,» she wrapped the gift in pewter-like aluminum foil.

Jamie, like his father and brother Phil, is not great at planning celebrations. I used to have to remind him several times about Judy’s upcoming birthday. Then, when the holiday could not be celebrated properly, grumbling began: “I told you …” However, my Project “Happiness”, it seems, was not started in vain. It became clear to me how to solve the problem: I just took responsibility.

I guessed what holiday would please Judy. She is not a lover of surprises, she would rather prefer a calm home celebration with her family. She prefers gifts with meaning to luxurious gifts. She likes to receive a handmade gift than a store bought one, and she will like food cooked at home more than dinner at an exotic restaurant. Luckily, my brother-in-law Phil and his wife Lauren are excellent chefs and run a catering business. Therefore, by joint efforts it was possible to provide a treat that would be both homemade and corresponded to the restaurant level.

The decision dawned on me unexpectedly. It remained to enlist support for its implementation.

I called my father-in-law.

— Hi Bob. I want to discuss our plans for Judy’s birthday.

«Don’t you think it’s too early?»

— Not at all. If we want to arrange something special, it’s time to take care of it.

“Well…” he hesitated. — I think…

— I have an idea. Listen, you might like…

«Oh yes,» he breathed a sigh of relief. — And what did you come up with?

Bob approved my plan without hesitation. Usually he does a good job with routine family chores, but this project was clearly beyond his abilities. All other members of the family also enthusiastically supported my undertaking. They all wanted to please Judy, but until then they had not even thought about how much preparation it would require.

Encouraged by my decision, I took control of the case. A few days before the holiday, I sent emails to Jamie, Bob, Phil, and Lauren, and to their credit, I didn’t get a single angry objection in response.

«Hi all!

Judy’s birthday is in four days.

Need a whole bunch of beautifully wrapped gifts. This applies to everyone! One is not enough!

Bob: Eliza and I have already wrapped your present. Will you bring champagne?

Jamie: Did you buy a present from you and me?

Philou and Lauren: What will be the treat? Need to cook something special? When to come? Wine white or red? Will there be menu cards? Judy would love that.

To all: I’m afraid to anger the whole family by reminding you to dress festively, and not just somehow. Not a word about it. Just a reminder that our taste depends on how this evening goes.

It will be wonderful!”

I did a lot to prepare for the holiday. Eliza and I went to a pottery shop, where she decorated the plates with theatrical patterns, according to her grandmother’s hobby, with her own hands. We happily spent an hour (yes, a whole hour!) browsing the Colette Confectionery website to select the most beautiful cake. Jamie and I recorded on DVD how Eliza sings her grandmother’s favorite songs, and Eleanor stomps along.

On the day of the holiday, when everyone was supposed to gather at 18.30, I bustled in the last preparations. From my mother, a big fan of entertainment, I inherited the pre-holiday nervousness. At such moments, loved ones try to hide from sight so as not to fall under my hot hand. Jamie appeared in front of me at 18.29:XNUMX p.m. wearing khaki pants and a checkered coat.

After a moment’s pause, I remarked, «I think you should have dressed differently.»

Here already Jamie hesitated, then answered: “I think I’ll put on more decent trousers, okay?” He left and soon returned, changing his trousers and shorts and even putting on new shoes.

The evening went exactly as I had hoped. Before everyone sat down at the festive table, the granddaughters fortified themselves with chicken salad sandwiches, grandmother’s favorite. The birthday cake was brought in while the girls were still awake, and they managed to sing «Happy Birthday!» and eat a bite. Then they were sent to bed, and the adults began to eat (Indian, which Judy loves so much).

«It was a truly beautiful evening,» Judy said as everyone got ready to leave. — I liked everything very much — gifts, treats, especially the pie.

It was obvious that Judy really enjoyed the holiday and we were all proud that everyone contributed to it. Perhaps I was the most proud of all. I was so happy!

This evening confirmed the truth of my Third Commandment: «Behave the way you want to feel.» It could be assumed that, having taken over the organization of the holiday, I would feel annoyed towards the other participants. However, by acting kindly and sensitively, I experienced a surge of kind and tender feelings for everyone, especially Judy.

However, I must admit that before the holiday, I sometimes felt that Jamie and the others underestimated my efforts. I enjoyed preparing for the holiday, and I would not be upset if someone surpassed me in this. But I still wanted to earn my medal … I really wanted Jamie, Bob or Phil to say: “Wow, Gretchen! It’s thanks to you that we have such a wonderful holiday! Thank you so much for your brilliant creativity.» However, no one was going to say that. Well, let. I did it for myself.

But Jamie knows me very well. When Judy was unwrapping her gifts, he took a box from the shelf and handed it to me with the words:

— And this is for you.

— To me? I wondered. — Why do I need a present?

Jamie didn’t answer, but I understood.

I opened the box. It contained delicate beads made of polished wood. I probably shouldn’t have waited for a confession. But Jamie was right: I needed it.

One of the greatest joys of love is the feeling that the most wonderful person in the world has chosen you.

I remember how amazed I was when, as a student, I first showed Jamie to my classmate, with whom we shared a room together. “Never seen him before,” she admitted. I just could not imagine how it was possible not to notice this person, having met him in the hall or in the dining room.

However, over time, routine appears in the relationship of the spouses. Jamie is my destiny, he pervades my entire existence, and sometimes I just don’t notice him.

The more vividly you react to manifestations of attention from your spouse, the stronger your family. But it’s easy to get into bad habits. I often find myself mumbling something unintelligible without looking up from my book when Jamie is joking or trying to talk to me. Family life dulls deep personal communication. Many were probably surprised to hear how the spouse suddenly opened up with a stranger at a picnic. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life it is difficult to start a heart-to-heart conversation.

I, too, developed a bad habit of paying less attention to Jamie than to strangers. In keeping with the commandment to «Affirm your love,» I tried to give Jamie small favors more often. One evening some friends came over and I busied myself trying to offer everyone a drink to their taste. «And you, Jamie? What would you like? I didn’t forget. He was very pleased, because I usually take care of the guests first. When Jamie’s travel bag wore out, I immediately bought him a new one and filled it with everything he needed. I remember to leave a new sports magazine in a conspicuous place so that he will immediately notice it when he returns from work.

Paying enough attention to your spouse is easier if you manage to spend time together. Family relations experts advise spouses to strengthen relationships by appointing each other «dates» to be alone, without children. One of the tasks of my project was to decide which of these tips to accept and which to ignore. I didn’t feel any enthusiasm for such “dates”. Jamie and I spend so much time leaving the house for various reasons and love to just be at home. The thought of adding another item to my program terrified me.

Besides, I didn’t think Jamie would approve of it either.

When I came up with this idea, Jamie’s answer pleasantly surprised me. “Well, if that’s what you want…” he said. — You can just go to the cinema together or sit in a restaurant. True, we often go somewhere together. It’s better to just stay at home.» I agreed. But I was pleased that he did not reject the idea.

Ignoring some of the recommendations of experts, at the same time, I listened to some advice from amateurs. Once, when there was nothing to talk about in my literary circle, I invited my friends to share their thoughts about family life.

“It’s good to go to bed at the same time,” said one friend. “It’s not bad anyway: you either get a good night’s sleep, or have sex, or just chat.”

“When I was getting married, my boss gave me advice: at least three times a day, leave some thoughts unspoken.”

«My husband and I never criticize each other for more than one thing.»

«My grandparents, true Quakers lived together for 72 years (Quakers are a denomination of radical Puritans, rejecting the ritual rites of the traditional church and actively preaching humanism, simplicity and honesty. — Approx. transl.). They felt it was good for every couple to have one favorite outdoor game like tennis or golf and one indoor game like scrabble or gin. in which they would play together» (Scrabble is a board game in which players lay out words from the letters they have in their hands. In Russia it is known under the name «Erudite»; gin is a simple popular card game for two players. — Approx. transl.).

I shared my last wish with Jamie, and the next day he brought backgammon home.

Thinking about how you can affirm your love, I decided to rise to the highest level and approved the Week of Special Kindness.

What does «Special Kindness» mean? For me, it is like an extreme sport, like hang gliding or jumping from a height, which allows you to discover something new in the depths of your soul. All this was done in the comfort of your own home. For a whole week, I was exceptionally kind to Jamie. No criticism, no complaints, no reproaches. Even his shoes I took to the shoe shop before he himself asked me about it.

This week has motivated me to set the bar higher for my behavior. It is wrong that I pay more attention to my friends and relatives than to my beloved Jamie. Of course, we will not be able to live our entire lives without contradictions, but I would like to be able to hold out for more than a week without nitpicking and whining. In a way, the whole of February became an exercise in kindness, because the fulfillment of all my commandments was for the good of Jamie. But for a particular week, I intended to raise my good attitude to an exceptionally high level.

Too often I focused on what annoyed me. For example, when Jamie put off making important decisions for a long time or did not answer my letters. He also did not seem to appreciate how much I do for the family well-being. But instead of getting angry, I’d rather think about what I like about him. He is kind, sympathetic, prudent, erudite, industrious; He is a wonderful husband, father and son-in-law. Every night he kisses me before going to bed saying «I love you». He rarely gets angry with me and almost never criticizes me. And yes, I love his hair.

On the first morning of Special Kindness Week, Jamie timidly asked me:

“I guess I’ll get up and go to the gym to get it off of me for today, okay?”

Going to the gym has become an obsessive habit for him.

I did not reproach him with a sad look. “Just hurry up, because we promised the girls to go to the park today,” I didn’t say that either. Instead, I just smiled.

— Okay, no problem!

This didn’t come easily to me.

It helped that for a moment I looked at the problem from a different angle. Would I like it if he never went to the gym, or worse, was unable to go? I have a beautiful, athletic, fit husband. It’s great that he wants to go there!

Jamie took a nap once this week when the girls had to make lunch. I did not bother him and, without saying a word, I prepared everything myself. Finding scattered tubes and bottles in the bathroom, I silently put things in order. When he brought in a rather questionable film, The Aristocrats, which he had rented, I exclaimed, “Great!” I stopped posting remarks all over the house. No matter how pathetic it may sound, each such step required considerable dedication from me.

He once threw away a couple of magazines that I haven’t read yet. But it was the Week of Special Kindness, and I refrained from scandal. When I woke up the next morning, I suddenly realized what a trifle it was, and was very relieved that I did not make a scene on such a small occasion.

I tried to follow the commandment «Let not the sun go down on your anger.» In a practical sense, this meant that I tried to overcome any irritation and annoyance as quickly as possible so as not to go to bed in the evening with these feelings.

It is generally accepted that the outpouring of anger brings relief. But in the course of my research, I found out that this is complete nonsense. There is no credible evidence that blowing off steam is beneficial. Scientific evidence, on the contrary, shows that by giving vent to anger, we do not alleviate it, but increase it.

At the same time, if you do not express negative feelings, they can dissipate themselves, leaving no unpleasant traces. Two thousand years ago, Plutarch said: «Anger at the moment of its inception is easy to overcome with silence.»

Special Kindness Week also made me think about how Jamie and I take direction from each other. Undoubtedly, family people devote a lot of time and effort to getting each other to do something. The ability to cooperate constructively in solving everyday problems is the key to a happy marriage. Often I have a desire to give an order to Jamie so that he immediately executes it. I think that instructions often occur to him, which I must carry out just as urgently. I tried to calmly, without discussion, do everything he asks.

As the days passed, I felt a little mortified that Jamie didn’t seem to notice that Special Kindness Week was going in his favor. But then I realized: I should be glad that he does not notice, which means that this is not such a special week in the background of our daily life.

Nevertheless, the Week of Special Kindness confirmed the correctness of my commandment «Behave the way you want to feel.» Treating Jamie with exceptional care, I felt a surge of tenderness for him. But although it was a useful experiment, I felt some relief when the week was over. Maintaining that level of courtesy all the time was unbearable. My tongue even hurt, so often I had to bite it.

On the last day of February, I filled out my Commitment Chart and was surprised at how important it was to my project. I reviewed my tasks daily and gave myself grades. This greatly affected my entire behavior, and yet even March has not come …

I’ve made a lot of commitments in my life — every New Year’s Eve since I was ten years old. But it was the list of tasks that I set for myself that allowed me to treat their implementation more responsibly than ever before.

Business school teaches, «You can only manage what you can measure.» I have experienced the truth of this truth.

February results

The end of February gave me another important discovery. I struggled for a long time to formulate a universal theory of happiness, and one day, after many unsuccessful attempts, an amazing formula suddenly opened up to me.

It happened while I was riding the subway and reading Frey and Schutzer’s Happiness and Economics. I thought for a long time about the meaning of the phrase: “It has been established that pleasant experiences, unpleasant experiences and life satisfaction are phenomena of a different order.” Shortly before this, I came across a mention of a study that showed that happiness and unhappiness (or, in scientific terms, positive and negative experiences) are not opposite sides of the same feeling, and they awaken and fade independently of each other. When I compared these ideas with my own experience, suddenly everything fell into place. The formula of happiness suddenly appeared to me so clearly that the rest of the subway passengers should probably have seen a glow above my head.

To be happy, you need to feel good, not feel bad, and feel right.

So simple and so smart! It looks like a slogan from the cover of a glossy magazine … But it took me a lot of effort to bring everything I learned into this formula. To be happy, you need to generate more positive emotions — more joy, enthusiasm, appreciation and mutual understanding. It is also necessary to eliminate the sources of negative experiences in order to experience less remorse, less anger, envy, boredom and irritation. This is also easy to understand. But in addition to feeling “good” and not feeling “bad,” you had to take care to feel right.

Righteousness is a tricky concept. To feel right is to feel that I am living the way I should be living. In my case, although I had extensive experience as a lawyer, I had a feeling that in this area I did not quite what I “should”. Now, in my writing career, there was enough reason to feel both good and bad, but overall I felt right.

Feeling right means living the right way for you. This applies to work, place of residence, marital status and other things. This also applies to dignity — to fulfill your duty, to meet the expectations that you place on yourself. For some, «living right» also implies the less lofty considerations of attaining a certain professional status and a corresponding level of wealth.

After a few minutes, the excitement of discovering the formula subsided, and it became clear to me that it was not complete. I had to take into account the fact that people seem to be programmed to constantly strive for happiness. For example, we tend to believe that we will be a little happier in the future than we are in the present. A sense of purpose is essential to happiness. But my formula didn’t take that into account. I pondered over the missing element. What is it — attraction, improvement, goal, hope? None of those words seemed appropriate. And then I remembered the words of William Butler Yeats. “Happiness,” wrote Yeats, “is not a virtue or a pleasure. It’s just growth. We are happy as we grow.» Modern researchers come to the same conclusion: happiness is not in achieving the goal, but in the process of striving for the goal, that is, in development.

Of course, development. This explains the happiness you experience when training for a marathon, learning a new language, raising children, or improvising recipes from a Julia Child cookbook. My father was an excellent tennis player and played a lot during my childhood. Then he became interested in golf and eventually gave up tennis. I asked why. He replied: «I’m getting worse and worse at tennis, but I’m getting better at golf.»

People are very flexible, they easily adapt to new life circumstances — for better or worse, and begin to consider them normal. This helps in cases where life situation gets worse. However, when circumstances improve, we soon become indifferent to new comforts and privileges. This phenomenon is called the «hedonic treadmill». It consists in getting used to something that brings us joy — a new car, a new title or air conditioning — so that in the end the joy disappears. The spirit of development compensates for this. The new table in your living room you will soon stop paying attention to, but the care of your garden will give you new joy every spring. Development matters in a spiritual sense, but, I believe, in a material sense too. Although they say that money cannot buy happiness, it is very nice to have more money this year than last year.

So I came to the final version of my formula. It seemed so important to me that I decided to call it the First Great Truth. I wanted to believe that when the year came to an end, I would have at least one more Great Truth. So…

First Great Truth

To be happy, you need to feel good, not feel bad, feel right and develop.

As soon as I got home, I turned to Jamie.

— Finally! I exclaimed. — I have a formula for happiness. It has only one sentence, but it brings together all the scientific data and converged all the ends that haunted me.

— Awesome! Jamie said with great enthusiasm. And shut up.

«Don’t you want to hear this formula?» I hinted. I decided a long time ago not to expect Jamie to play the role of collaborator girlfriend. But sometimes I still want…

— Certainly! he replied. — What is the formula?

Maybe it was just a figment of my imagination, but it seemed to me that the harder I tried, the harder he tried. I couldn’t tell exactly what had changed, but he seemed more caring and gentler. He was not very encouraged by talk of happiness. But he selflessly accepted my inexhaustible enthusiasm for this subject. In addition, he changed the burnt out light bulbs himself, without waiting for me to goad him. Yes, and he began to respond to my letters more accurately. He bought us backgammon. And now he was interested in my formula …

When you think about family happiness, there is an irresistible temptation to focus on your spouse: what needs to change in him or her in order to make me happier. But really, you can only change yourself.

A friend of mine shared her «family mantra»: «I love Leo the way he is.» And I love Jamie just the way he is. I can’t get him to behave better or do household chores. All I can do is stop grumbling, and that alone will make me happier. When you stop expecting your spouse to change (for whatever reason), you get less angry, irritation subsides, and the atmosphere in the family improves.

Set high goals

Work

March

• Start a blog.
• Learn to enjoy failure.
• Ask for help.
• Work smart.
• Rejoice in the present.

Happiness is an important factor in successful work, and work is very important for happiness. Still, life is unfair, and one of the manifestations of this is that happy people succeed more than unhappy people. Happy people put in more hours at work each week and work more overtime. They are less selfish, more cooperative, more willing to help others, such as sharing information. Because of this, others help them in return. Happy people also work better in teams because people are more likely to associate with those who are happy. In addition, compared to unhappy people, happy people are less prone to burnout, shirking their responsibilities, and other unproductive behaviors.

Happy people make more effective leaders. They perform better in organizational tasks such as leadership and information management, appear more self-confident and self-aware than those who are less happy.

They come across as friendlier and even more physically attractive. One study shows that college students who were happier in their first year of college made more money than unhappy students in their thirties, given the same starting conditions. Being happy can mean a lot in your professional life.

Of course, happiness matters for work also because we dedicate a significant part of our lives to it. Most Americans are working seven hours a day or more and are taking less and less time off. In addition, work can be a source of many elements necessary for a happy life: social contacts, social recognition, an atmosphere of growth, self-respect.

When discouragement hits me, work helps me cheer up. Sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, Jamie advises: «Would you like to go to the office?» Even when I’m not in the mood to work, the reassuring sense of accomplishment, intellectual stimulation, and even just distraction help me disconnect from my troubles, as soon as I plunge into business.

Because work is so central to happiness, one’s project could be focused on choosing the right job. However, I myself am already at the point in my career that promotes happiness. I started as a lawyer and gained a wealth of experience. But when my collaboration with Justice O’Connor came to an end, I was confused…

At that time, I once went to a friend who was receiving a pedagogical education. I noticed several thick textbooks scattered around her room.

— Are you being asked to read according to the program? I asked, flipping through the pages listlessly.

“Yes,” she replied, “but I still read it at my leisure.

For some reason this answer caught my attention. And what do I do in my spare time? I asked myself. As much as I enjoyed my legal studies, I didn’t spend an extra second reading legal literature beyond what was necessary for the job. For fun, I wrote a book (later it was published under the title «Power. Money. Fame. Sex: A Manual», and I thought that I could earn money by writing).

Over the next few months, I came to the firm conviction that this is exactly what I would like to do. I am an ambitious person, and leaving law, starting a career from scratch was not an easy test for me. At one time, I was the editor-in-chief of the Yale Law Journal, receiving awards for articles on legal topics. These merits meant a lot in legal circles. Outside of them, they meant nothing.

However, my ambitions urged me to leave the law. I was convinced that love for your work is a key factor in professional success. People who love their work do it with a dedication and enthusiasm that is unthinkable through diligence alone. I observed my colleagues in the Supreme Court. They read law magazines for pleasure, discussed interesting cases at lunchtime. The work gave them strength. To me — no.

Enthusiasm is more important than skill and natural ability. The most important factor contributing to the brilliant mastery of the craft is the desire to tirelessly practice. Therefore, career development experts advise choosing a profession that you learn easily and with pleasure. It is in this area that you will practice much and willingly, and this alone will give you great advantages.

I like to read, take notes, do research, critically analyze materials. (I don’t really like writing much, but it’s rare for an author to truly love this part of their work.) As I pondered my past, I found many hints in it about my penchant for writing. I wrote two novels that were never published and are now buried in a locked drawer in a closet. I have always devoted most of my free time to reading, making countless notes on various topics without any particular purpose. I majored in English in college and finally wrote a book in my spare time.

Why hadn’t it occurred to me before to earn a living by writing? There were probably several reasons for this. But the most important thing is that sometimes it’s not easy for me to “be Gretchen”. Erasmus remarked: «Man’s happiness consists in being himself.» Although it seems easy, I have often failed. That’s why «Be yourself, Gretchen» is the first of my Twelve Commandments.

I have no idea who I want to be, and this prevents me from understanding who I really am. Sometimes I even pretend to myself that I enjoy doing things I don’t really like (like shopping), or that I’m interested in things that aren’t really interesting (like foreign policy). Worse, I sometimes ignore my true inclinations and interests.

“Fake a feeling until you start feeling it!” This technique was effective for temporarily changing my mood, as long as I was guided by the Third Commandment: «Behave the way you want to feel.» But this principle was not so good when it comes to vital decisions. By pretending, I could get carried away with those subjects and activities that did not interest me very much. But this enthusiasm paled in comparison to the one that was generated by cases that were truly interesting to me.

Self-understanding is a virtue that I greatly appreciate in my sister. Elizabeth never questions her nature. In high school, I played field hockey (even though I was a poor athlete), studied physics (which I hated), and wanted to do more music (which I never did). Elizabeth behaved differently. She never cheated on herself. Unlike many intelligent people, she has never been shy about the fact that she likes to watch TV and read entertainment literature.

This propensity manifested itself in the fact that she began her career writing entertainment books for young people (of her early writings, I especially like The Whole Truth About Love and Ball Season) and then became a television screenwriter. Sometimes I wonder if I would have started writing if Elizabeth hadn’t become a writer first? I remember a conversation we had while I was agonizing over my decision.

“I don’t know how right this is,” I admitted. “Working in law, finance or politics would give me the feeling that I am doing a solid job.”

I expected to hear from her something like “Literature is a pretty solid business” or “You can switch to something else if you don’t like it.” But her answer went much deeper.

“You know,” she said, “you’ve always had a desire to make things right. So it will always be. Maybe that’s why you chose law school. But should this determine your choice of another profession?

— You have already been engaged in a very solid business, for example, you worked in the Supreme Court. But do you feel it was right?

— Not really…

You probably never will. So don’t let that influence your decision.

I tried another job in the field of law — in the Federal Communications Commission. Then I decided to start a writing career. It took a lot of courage to plunge into the unknown, to take the first steps on a new path. But it turned out to be easier because Jamie and I moved from Washington to New York, where he also intended to take a turn in his career. While I was studying a book on how to write summaries, he was taking an evening class in banking. I still remember the day when he and I decided to give up the practice of law.

Giving up the law was the most important step in fulfilling my commandment to «Be yourself, Gretchen.» I decided to do what I wanted to do, and turned down an opportunity, however tempting for someone else, but not suitable for me.

So, my tasks for the current month are not to re-evaluate my professional activities. What do they consist of? I wanted to bring more energy, creativity and productivity to my work. More than anything in the world, I love the usual order of things, but nevertheless I decided at my own peril and risk to master a new professional field. I need to think about ways to work more effectively, read and write more every day, and connect more with people. In addition, I need to remind myself how lucky I am that I rejoice at the onset of Monday morning as much as Friday evening.

Start a blog

Through my research, I’ve found that challenges and novelty are key elements of happiness. Surprise stimulates the brain, and successfully resolving an unfamiliar situation brings great satisfaction. If you’re doing something new—visiting a museum for the first time, learning a new game, moving to a new place, meeting new people—you’re more likely to experience happiness than those who are doing their usual things.

This is one of the paradoxes of happiness I have discovered: we strive for an orderly life, but the unfamiliar and unexpected are important sources of our happiness.

Moreover, since novelty requires more brain activity, encountering unexpected situations generates stronger emotional responses and makes time appear slower and more intense. A friend of mine, after the birth of her first child, told me: “I am also happy about the appearance of the baby because of this, the passage of time has slowed down. It seemed to me and my wife that our life was accelerating, but at the moment when Clara was born, time seemed to freeze. Now every week seems like an epoch, so much is happening…”

So how do I include testing and novelty in my project? I wanted to pick a challenge that was related to other things that I enjoy, and I don’t need any salsa or violin lessons, no matter what the experts say. As I was thinking about this, my literary agent suggested that I start a blog.

“Oh, I can’t do it,” I replied. — It’s too technical. I can barely manage with TiVo …

“It’s very easy to start a blog these days,” she said. — Think about it. I’m sure you’ll like it.

She came up with the idea and I decided to give it a try. After reading about how important trials are to happiness, I decided to set myself a big, difficult task. And not only this! If I can start a blog, it will connect me with many other people who share my interests, become a means of self-expression for me, and allow me to convince others to start their own happiness projects.

However, despite the promising prospects, I could not shake my anxiety. I was worried about how much time and effort blogging would take, especially since I already lacked both. I was required to make a decision for which I felt inadequately prepared. I will be exposed to the public and vulnerable to criticism. This makes me feel like a fool…

Over time, however, I was fortunate enough to make two acquaintances who blogged themselves. They gave me helpful tips to get started. Maybe these chance meetings became a manifestation of cosmic harmony — «When the student is ready, the teacher comes.» It may have been beneficial to express your goals aloud. Maybe just lucky…

“Use Typepad,” my first advisor suggested. She blogged about restaurants and food recipes. — I use it myself. Let it be simple. You can add more details later when you figure out what you’re doing.

“Leave messages every day, it’s absolutely necessary,” insisted the second counselor, who ran a legal blog.

— Oh my God! I was confused. “I planned to record three times a week.

— And when sending out an update notification, include the entire text of the post in the letter, and not just a link.

«Okay,» I answered hesitantly. — It turns out that I will have to send letters to all bloggers about updates? “It never occurred to me before.

“Well, yes,” she replied.

After three weeks of clumsy browsing on the Internet, I opened an account on Typepad with sin in half. The very act of taking this step, even before I made the final decision to blog, filled me with glee. I constantly reminded myself of one of the secrets of maturity: «People pay much less attention to your mistakes than you think.» Even if I do something wrong on my blog, it won’t be a disaster.

Every day I spent almost an hour working on the blog. Gradually, the clean template provided by Typepad began to take shape. I filled out the «About Me» section in which I described myself. The description of the blog appeared on the first page. Gave links to my books, included the Twelve Commandments. It seems to have figured out what RSS is, and added the right button. Finally, on March 27, I took a deep breath and made my first recording.

Blog opens

Today is the first day of the existence of the blog dedicated to the Project «Happiness».

What is Project Happiness?

One day I realized with horror that I was letting my life slip away without even having an answer to the most important question: am I happy?

From that moment on, I constantly thought about happiness. Is it a consequence of our temperament? Is there anything you can do to be happier? And what does it mean to be happy anyway?

Project Happiness is a report on a year of experience testing all the advice, theories, scientific data that I could find in a variety of sources — from Aristotle to Mother Teresa, from Benjamin Franklin to Martin Seligman and Oprah Winfrey. What advice really works?

The very fact that I started a blog makes me happy, because in this way I managed to solve one of the important tasks of this month (by the way, I solved it on time). I set a goal for myself, worked hard on it, and eventually achieved it.

Preparing to launch the blog made me remember two of my Maturity Secrets.

Asking for help is completely normal. I was confused as I got started until I turned to my blogging friends for advice.

By doing a little every day, you will do a lot. We tend to exaggerate what we can do in an hour or a day, but underestimate what we can do in small daily portions in a month or a year.

“A small daily effort, if it is really daily, is capable of moving mountains beyond the strength of Hercules,” wrote Anthony Trollope.

From then on, I began to make six entries on my blog every week.

The appearance of the first record filled me with a sense of triumph. I couldn’t even believe that I could do it. Of course, the experts were right when they noted how important new experiences, trials and a sense of growth are for happiness.

In addition, I quickly became convinced that my blog has become a great source of happiness, throwing me more and more challenges. Simply put, he constantly spurred me on. The more I did, the more I wanted to do. I wanted to add pictures. Then sound. Then a list of working links. Trying to solve these problems, I constantly experienced a feeling of my own ignorance and helplessness. Pictures didn’t load or were too small. The links didn’t work. All of a sudden all the text was underlined.

I struggled to cope with these tasks and sometimes felt frustrated that I could not quickly deal with something. Then I discovered a way to help myself slow down. I’m locked up in jail, I told myself. “I have nowhere to go. I have nothing to do but solve the problem that is before me. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. I have enough.» Of course, this was not true. But when I told myself that I had as much time as I wanted, it helped me focus.

As I worked on the blog, I often had to remind myself to “be Gretchen,” that is, to not change my own idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbmy project. Many kind, intelligent people gave me advice. One person encouraged me to «add irony.» Some suggested commenting on the news more often. One friend, for all his sympathy for me, hinted that the name «Project Happiness» is no good, «Happy Day» would have sounded better.

«I can’t even think of changing the name,» I replied. “That was exactly Project Happiness from the minute the idea came to me.

«It’s not too late to change things,» he shook his head.

My second friend had a different proposal.

“You need to sort things out with your mother. It will be interesting for everyone.

“Interesting… But I don’t have too many conflicts with my mother,” I replied, feeling regret for the first time in my life that I had the kindest relationship with my mother.

“Uh-huh,” he muttered. Probably thought I was looking for an excuse.

All of these suggestions sounded reasonable and well-intentioned, but whenever new advice came in, I panicked. The biggest challenge came from my own inner critic. Should I rebuild my project? And the very word «project» — doesn’t it sound unattractive? Isn’t it egocentric to write so much about yourself and your experiences? Does my serious tone sound too preachy? Quite possible. But I would not want to be like a writer who sits so long on the first line of his novel that he never gets to the second. If I want to get the job done, I need to move forward without hesitation.

I was pleased that the blog, as it is, aroused great enthusiasm among many. At first, I didn’t even know how to track traffic, but slowly I learned it. When I first looked at Technorati, the top ranking blogosphere, I was delighted to find myself in the top 5000 without knowing it. I started the blog as part of my personal project, and attracting an audience was not my task. But its gradual rise in popularity brought unexpected joy and helped bring a sense of growth into my life.

New challenges also bring happiness because they empower you. You are growing above yourself. Suddenly it turns out that you practice yoga, know how to brew homemade beer, speak a little Spanish … Scientific evidence shows that the more multifaceted your personality, the less damage it can be caused by the threat of any of its facets. Losing your job can be a blow to your self-esteem. But if you are also the head of your local alumni association, it gives you a peaceful sense of self-respect. In addition, new facets of your personality give you new experiences and contacts with new people, which in itself is an important source of happiness.

Here’s how it all worked out for me. The blog gave me a new self-awareness, new skills, new comrades, as well as the possibility of wide contacts with like-minded people. My idea of ​​myself as a writer has expanded. I became a blogger.