Is it possible to apply corporal punishment to teenagers in case of disobedience to the gu.e.sti on their part?
Not! Teenagers are desperate to be considered adults, deeply resent being treated like children. Beatings are the most terrible insult at this age and cause a justified feeling of hatred. Plus, they don’t help. Punishment for teenagers may include deprivation of any pleasures, reduction of the amount of pocket money and other punishments not related to physical impact. Get creative!
My mother, it must be said, was a great master of trench warfare in my own combative teenage years. My father was a preacher and was constantly on the road, so the main responsibility for my upbringing lay with my mother. The teachers had a hard time with me at that time, and I was repeatedly called to the headmaster, where I listened to strict lectures or received several blows with a rubber hose (then such a measure was considered acceptable). These punishments, however, had no effect on me, and my mother became increasingly worried about my low grades and irresponsibility. Soon her patience snapped.
One day when I came back from school, she sat me down next to her and firmly said, “I know that at school you play the fool and don’t do your homework. I also know that you have a lot of trouble with teachers. (It always seemed to me that a group of detectives worked for her, telling her every detail of my private life, although now I think that she had only a sharp mind, keen eyes and incredibly developed intuition.) She continued: “So, I’m all thought about it and decided that I would not do anything about it. I won’t punish you. I won’t deprive you of your fun. I won’t even talk about it anymore.»
I almost breathed a sigh of relief when she continued, “But remember one thing. If the headmaster ever calls me in connection with your behavior, then I promise you that the next day I will come to school with you. All day I will follow you around. I will lead you by the hand at recess and lunch and participate in all your conversations throughout the day. And in the classroom, I will put a chair next to your seat or even sit in the same chair with you. All day long I will be by your side.»
This promise horrified me. If my mom follows me in front of all my buddies, it would be social suicide. There couldn’t be a worse punishment! It must be assumed that the teachers were quite surprised at how much my behavior improved and my grades improved by the end of the school year. I simply could not allow my mother to receive this fatal call for me.
Mom knew that the threat of physical punishment was not the most effective source of motivation for a teenager. She came up with something better.
I would like to hear your views on juvenile punishment, especially after your advice not to spank teens as it is unproductive and unwise.
The only instrument for instilling discipline and punishing its violation are options for using the interests of a teenager related to his environment and living conditions. You can give your teenager some privileges or deprive them, up to the permission or prohibition to go to a party. You can give him a certain amount of money free of charge, or lend funds on favorable terms — or be stingy and completely “close the cash register” for your offspring. You can confirm your teen’s right to use the phone and watch TV, but you can temporarily deny that right.
If a teenager does not have an inner voice calling for cooperation and responsibility, things can get complicated very soon. But where does this voice come from? I repeat repeatedly that the early childhood of each person plays a vital role in the formation of a sense of respect between generations. Without this educational foundation, without a sense of childish reverence for parents, the balance of power and the ability to control the conflict situation during the years of a child’s youth usually shift in favor of the younger participant in the «battle». I would do my readers a disservice if I tried to suggest a different view of this problem.
My thirteen-year-old son has become quite lazy in the last two years. He constantly strives to stretch out on the couch, and on Saturdays he can oversleep for half a day. At the same time, the son complains of fatigue all the time. Is this condition typical for children of early adolescence? How to behave with them?
It is not unusual for boys and girls to experience fatigue during puberty. All the physical resources of the child’s body during this time are given to the process of rapid growth, so there may be little energy left for other forms of activity. This period will not last very long. After it, there usually come years when a person behaves more energetically than at any other period of his life.
I advise, first, to conduct a routine examination of the physical condition of your son, in order to exclude the possibility of explaining his fatigue by more serious causes. If it turns out that the matter is in the process of puberty, as I suspect, then you should rely on the will of events. Make sure he has enough time to rest and sleep. This need, however, is often not met, as teenagers feel they should not go to bed as early as they did when they were young children. Therefore, they try to stay awake until late, and then barely move the whole next day. Surprisingly, teenagers of twelve or thirteen really need more rest than they needed at the age of nine or ten.
Given the developmental characteristics of a teenager, you should allow your son to sleep a little longer, at least on Saturday mornings. Many parents find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that their grown-up sons and daughters are in bed until half past nine, when the lawn needs to be mowed. However, moms and dads should know that the child is in bed because his body needs more rest time, and it is much wiser to give him the opportunity to sleep. And only then, when he wakes up, parents can ask him to mow the lawn.
Secondly, at this time, the nutritional system of a teenager becomes important. His body needs «building material» from which new muscles, bones and ligaments are created, in accordance with the «intended design». Donuts and milkshakes are not very suitable for these purposes. I emphasize: at this age it is especially important to adhere to a balanced diet.
One day you suddenly notice that your son has changed from a boy to a young man. Some of the physical features you noticed during adolescence became part of this transformation process. Try to do everything possible to make the process of growing up your child easier.
My thirteen-year-old daughter has the physique of a boy, but she stubbornly demands that she buy a bra. Believe me, he is absolutely useless to her. The only reason she wants to have one is because most of her friends already wear bras. Should I succumb to her persuasion?
Your slim and skinny daughter needs a bra. She must compete with her friends and look like all the girls look. She is afraid that they will laugh at her. She wants to feel like a woman. These are quite convincing reasons for complying with her request.
Our teenage daughter has become extremely shy of late, demanding her sisters leave the room when she changes. I think it’s stupid. And what do you think?
I believe that it is necessary to satisfy the requests of the girl to remain alone. Perhaps her increased sensitivity and shyness are due to the fact that she has discovered changes in her body that have occurred recently, in connection with which she is disappointed. Or maybe vice versa: she is upset by the lack of long-awaited changes. Most likely, this is a temporary phenomenon, and you should not interfere with the desires of your daughter.
I feel hurt that my teenage son is ashamed to show up with me. I gave birth to and nurtured him, dedicated my whole life to him. And now, suddenly, he became shy when friends see him with me … Is this behavior normal? Should I oppose or should I recognize such a right for my son?
It must be understood that most teenagers are literally torn apart by a huge desire to appear adults. They are outraged by everything that emphasizes that they are still children. When, for example, a teenager is seen on a Friday night with mommy and daddy, the feeling of humiliation that he experiences sometimes becomes unbearable. The most curious thing is that the child in this situation is not ashamed of his parents, he is embarrassed by the correlation of roles: parents are a small child. Of course, it is difficult to recognize the legitimacy of such a view in a growing son, but do not condemn him for this. Your relationship with your child, based on mutual love, will be restored in a few years, although it will never be the same as that usually observed between parents and young children. The Lord Himself conceived such a development of the process of relationships between parents and their children.
Should I act peer-to-peer with my son in terms of dress, speech, taste, and demeanor to show him understanding of his adolescent issues?
Not! When a middle-aged adult begins to act like a teenager, there is something extremely vulgar and even disgusting about it. You didn’t have to roll on the floor and raise a roar to understand your child when he was two years old, did you? Perhaps it is also possible to recognize the rights of a teenager without falling into an anachronism. The main reason why a teenager has a specific manner of behavior and a certain style of clothing is related to his desire to emphasize his individuality and be different from you. By such behavior, you will only push him to the desire to isolate himself from you. He may conclude, «Mom is trying so hard, and I would like her to return to normal adulthood.» In addition, I advise you not to forget that your son will still need a person who embodies power and authority. So you have plenty of work to do!
Please tell us about the methods of education, thanks to which you can form an idea of the value of money in a fourteen-year-old teenager.
One method, in my opinion, is to put at the disposal of the child a certain amount of cash, sufficient for his specific daily needs. At the same time, he must be allowed to dispose of them himself. You can start by issuing money at once for the whole week — to pay for food at school. If he squanders them in a day or two, then on the third day he will have a choice: either to somehow earn money for food, or to look hungry for several days. This is the harsh reality he may have to face later in his life. Therefore, there is nothing to worry about if he receives his first lesson in adolescence.
However, it is known that actions in accordance with this principle can unexpectedly lead to the opposite results. A doctor friend of mine has four daughters. When they reached the age of twelve, he began to give each of them money for a year in advance. It was the responsibility of the girls themselves to distribute the money to buy things that they would need throughout the year. But when the youngest of the daughters reached this age, it turned out that she was not at all ready to cope with such a thing. She celebrated her twelfth birthday by buying a very expensive coat. This thing swallowed up most of the money she had at her disposal. By the next spring, she had completely exhausted her funds and had to walk around for the last three months of the year in torn stockings, pantaloons with holes in them, and frayed dresses. It was hard for the parents to keep from interfering in the situation, but they had the courage and fortitude to give their daughter the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson in the distribution of their money. Most likely, your child still does not know the value of money, because he always got it too easily. Everything that a person receives in abundance, usually depreciates for him very soon. I would advise you to «tighten the faucet» to reduce the flow of money, and maximize the responsibility of the child for their use.
My child is hostile towards other people, as he feels insufficient self-respect. But I, as a mother, must still set limits for him and punish him for breaking them. Am I speaking correctly?
If possible, it is necessary to guide the behavior of a teenager, but without hurting his vanity and without causing him aggressiveness. When I was a senior high school teacher, it became clear to me that I could only demand order and discipline from my students if I could approach them with respect and recognition of their dignity. I did my best to earn the friendship of my students, both during school hours, during breakfast or meetings in the classroom, and after school. I showed firmness, especially when the children tried to challenge me, but at the same time I never showed impoliteness, unkindness, did not allow even the slightest opportunity to offend someone. I stood up for the child, to whom the children defined the role of «whipping boy», persistently helped each student to gain self-confidence, to feel self-esteem. However, I have never compromised on standards of conduct. The students entered the classroom without much chatter. They didn’t chew gum, they didn’t act disrespectfully, they didn’t swear, they didn’t poke each other in the back with fountain pen nibs. Everyone understood: I am the captain of the ship, which leads him with a firm hand.
The result of this combination of kindness and firm discipline remains one of the most pleasant memories of my professional activities at school. I loved the students, and I had every reason to believe that they loved me. I had a hard time parting with them at the end of each week. My wife could never understand this. At the end of my last year at school, when I was already packing my books and saying goodbye to everyone, I was surrounded by a crowd of children who were about to burst into tears. They spun in the empty room, and then huddled on the platform where my car was parked. As I started, I heard them crying. Please forgive me for this story overflowing with self-praise.
Recently my daughter informed me that she was three months pregnant. What position should I take in this situation?
You cannot reverse the course of events, even if you begin to show cruelty and hostility towards your daughter. Now your daughter needs understanding much more than before,
and if possible, you must manifest it. Help her get through the difficulties and try to avoid remarks like: “I told you…” Your daughter will have many important decisions to make over the next few months. She will need calm and reasonable advice from her parents to help her through this difficult period. Remember that strong love and mutual affection most often arise between people who have gone through a crisis together.
My fifteen-year-old son is a passionate lover of all living things. His room is full of snake cages, wasp nests, plants and insects. Even the garage is occupied by various animals that he has captured and tamed. I hate this whole «zoo» and would like to interest him in something else. What should I do for this?
If he keeps his «zoo» clean, tidy and manages all other things, then I advise you to let him satisfy his interests and remember: at the age of fifteen, bugs for a child as a hobby are better than drugs.
How can you help your child resist pressure from teenagers to conform to group laws regarding drug use and sexuality?
It is very important that the teenager is aware of the pressure from the group even before it reaches its maximum. It may happen that one day he will be in the car with four friends who decide to take some red pills. It is necessary that he already knew how to behave in this situation. Parents need to find out in advance what their son will do at such a moment. You should teach him how to behave in such a case. Such training, of course, cannot serve as a guarantee of his courage, the ability to withstand a critical situation. However, his awareness of the power of influence of peers on each other can help him gain independence in his actions. Therefore, I advise parents to discuss with their child, when he is 10-12 years old, issues of behavior among peers, focusing on the optional fulfillment of the requirements of the other members of the group.
In the behavior of our teenage daughter, there are traits of conformism. But aren’t we adults subject to pressure from certain groups and showing conformity?
One of the great American myths goes. “We are a nation of bright individuals.” And we are ready to fool ourselves in this matter. We like to think of ourselves as Abraham Lincolns or cowboys, bravely and fearlessly standing up to a society that doesn’t accept their attitudes and behavior. But such an image does not correspond to the characteristics of most Americans, which is visible to the naked eye. In fact, we are a nation of cowards who succumb to the opinion of society. It seems to me that most of the energy we spend goes into looking like everyone else. We are afraid of true individuality.
Of course, there are numerous exceptions to this generalization, and yet it seems to me that social independence and self-confidence are not the predominant characteristics of the American psyche.
You are in favor of the need for the constant presence of a mother in a house where there are small children. What do you think about the employment of a mother whose children are in primary or secondary school? Can she work outside the home?
If you had asked me this question when my children were small, I would have answered that mothers need to stay at home, and above all in the preschool years of a child’s life. When the baby moves from kindergarten to school, the critical period shifts to the time the child returns home from school. But when Danae was sixteen and Ryan was eleven, my belief in the need for a mother to stay at home only with small preschool children was seriously shaken. Now I believe that this applies more to adolescence than early childhood. This, of course, is not a very popular view of the problem, but I am only saying what I myself think about this.
The feverish activity of most adolescents creates severe stress in the lives of families. Only adults can control such situations. Who is able to take children to one place or another? Who is ready to stay up all night to sew a new dress for a schoolgirl? Who will go with his son to a football match? Who can endure all these «needs to be done» for so many years? The mother is needed in the house during all this stressful time, not only to maintain general order, but also to eliminate the conflicts that so often occur in the family during these years. And for this she needs very strong nerves. All these years, the mother cannot afford to return from work in the evening tired, as she needs more strength for household chores. Otherwise, explosions of passions between the older and younger generations become inevitable.