Problem child: 5 methods of parenting

Admit that you expect a secret formula from this article, according to which you can easily subdue any difficult child? I hasten to share the good news. Successful algorithms do exist, but the secret ingredient of parental peace is hidden in adults themselves. Let’s talk frankly about raising difficult children, shall we?

Like many of you, my boy wasn’t born with a blue ribbon and a set of buttercreams. From the age of 10 months, he began to show his rebellious disposition, and at first I was touched by his universal knowledge that the whole world owed him. Then it seemed to me that this period should resolve itself, because it was a year old, and before the next crisis, 3 years still grow and grow. Where did the 24 months of calm go? Why is it so difficult for me with a child and I get the feeling that all this time we have a continuous crisis?

Before passing the verdict of “bad behavior” and taking on education with radical methods, it would be good to understand what should be considered bad behavior. As an experiment, we will change places with the child and put ourselves in an uncomfortable position. Answer without much thought to the question: “What do I take for bad behavior in a child?” If you honestly confessed and answered: “When my child does not obey me,” you automatically fell into the trap.

What do we really want from a child: obedience or conscious acceptance of discipline?

When I tried on the answer to my relationship with my son, I was horrified. I have confused these two fundamentally different concepts. If my child will obey everyone, not having his own opinion, will he be able to grow up as an independent, conscious and happy person?

Shouldn’t work be done to change his attitude towards discipline? So that he himself knows how to set priorities in his life, form effective thinking strategies, make decisions independently, learn to recognize feelings and calmly cope with them within the framework of the norms of society.

Having dealt with your parental position, it is easier to start working with a difficult child. I have come to the conclusion that there are only 5 effective ways to deal with bad child behavior.

1. What is “good” and what is “bad”? Understand the child’s point of view

Your child has not yet learned to distinguish good from bad? Teach him yourself. No nanny or educator is more interested in this than mom and dad. We all come into this world with wide-open eyes and trustingly take the first steps into the arms of an unpredictable life. We do not know what awaits us ahead – danger or life lesson, good or bad.

Often we do not even hear the warnings of parents about what not to do. We simply live and cognize the world empirically, on the basis of our still meager life experience. My whole world turned upside down when I thought: “How can a child behave badly if he basically has no idea what bad means?”

I will dwell in more detail on the analysis of the feelings of my child during the lessons of “bad deeds”. I was shocked, but my child could not recognize what was bad and what was good in most cases. He sincerely did not understand why I first asked him not to rattle pots, explained that it was impossible to beat other children, almost with dancing persuaded him to return from a walk to sleep when he wanted to take a walk more.

In such situations, he did not think about what was good and bad, but was guided by the criteria “interesting – not interesting”, “safe or not”, “I want – I do not want.” And when I once again suppressed a flash of anger because my son deliberately poured a bowl of soup on the floor, I asked myself the question: “Why am I so angry?” Didn’t I make sure to finish my unloved borscht?

Meanwhile, my son Laurus actively gave signs of disagreement. His head-shaking and despondent expression tried his best to convey this, but I stubbornly ignored the protest. After all, it is convenient to feed the child properly before a walk so that he does not fray his nerves with sudden hunger. After thinking about the situation, I cooled down and gave the rebel a rag: “Wipe after yourself.”

2. Come to mutual agreement on the understanding of “good” and “bad”

This item is closely related to the previous cause of child misbehavior, but differs in that the child sincerely disagrees with the adult’s demands. Well, he does not understand that scattering toys and living in chaos is bad. For him, this is a natural environment in which he is fun and educational.

For a long time I remained at a loss as to how to instill in a child a love of discipline. After all, you have to learn to clean up after yourself. But instead of obedience, I met desperate resistance or complete disregard for requests. The more I insisted, the more my son moved away from me. “And this little button, which is not even two years old, stamps its foot and still swings at its own mother, when it only asked to remove it, seasoning the request with a pinch of blackmail: “Otherwise we won’t go for a walk,” I thought, choking with irritation.

But this is what I aspired to during motherhood, so that my child could openly and freely express his opinion. Have I played with excessive democracy? The answer came after some time, when I rethought the situation and began to take the side of my son.

Once again, I asked to remove the toys and felt the tension between us. I suggested to him: “Let’s ask the tractor to help us clean up?” His son’s eyes lit up, and he joyfully exclaimed: “Yes!” I realized that true love for discipline, and not blind obedience, cannot be brought up through denial and rejection. It is really important for a child to feel that you understand him.

3. Through “bad behavior” the child learns – let him form new qualities

It is so laid down by nature that a person needs to acquire strong-willed qualities in order to survive. If you like, it’s an evolution. There would be no one to continue the human race if people did not have some negative qualities. The real discovery for me was that “bad behavior” helps the child develop new qualities:

● If the child becomes stubborn and does not want to follow your instructions, he learns to defend his own opinion. Can you imagine what will happen if we constantly fight off this natural need from a small person?

How to be? Accept the child’s desire to be a person. Show that his opinion really matters. For example, when I started taking Lavr to kindergarten, he kept saying that we should go to the park. As soon as we approached the door, he protested heart-rendingly and insisted that we urgently needed to walk. Every time I tried to explain that no one walks in the park so early. The son was instantly offended and fell into hysterics. One day I decided to really take him to the park and show him that I am not deceiving him. When he saw that there was nothing for him to do there at such an early hour, he calmed down. Hungry and called for breakfast in the garden.

● If a child devalues ​​your judgments, says that you do not understand him, he learns to comprehend what is happening. If he protests for any reason and does not compromise, he trains the will and skills to overcome obstacles.

How to be? You just need to accept the fact that you are a kind of simulator for the child. And, thank God, he trains on the person who loves him the most. Otherwise, who else would endure it? It is important to help your child learn to identify negative emotions and deal with them appropriately. “Lavrusha, I know you’re angry with me because I won’t give you an orange. You called me bad, not because I’m evil, but because I forbade you to eat it. Your skin may become red and itchy. You can cry, but I still won’t give you an orange.”

It is important for a child to understand their emotions as early as possible and to understand ways to deal with them. Recall the cartoon “Puzzle”. There, five emotions live a full life, and in addition to Joy, a person has a whole set of not very good (at first glance) companions: Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust. Watch this useful cartoon and make sure that the exclusion of “bad and unnecessary” emotions from a person’s life leads to the oppression of the whole organism.

● If a child turns into a tyrant, imposes an opinion, indicates where to go and what to do, he acquires the skill of self-respect. Take a closer look at yourself, perhaps at some point you devalue the child, his thoughts and desires.

You can’t count all the examples of bad behavior, but you definitely shouldn’t treat them negatively. I do not at all call for indulging such manifestations, let alone inaction, but it is necessary to show understanding, tolerance and even ingenuity in resolving conflicts.

4. The child adapts to natural age crises – help him cross the difficult stage

A crisis is a time of transition, a turning point with an unpredictable outcome. An age crisis is an integral and normal stage in the formation and development of a person. They happen in the life of every child during the neonatal period, at 1 year, 3 years, 7 years, puberty and adulthood.

For some, the crisis stages are shifted a year later or earlier, depending on the nature, temperament and pace of development of the child. The best way to survive is to be prepared for it and help your child get through the difficult phase together. You don’t have to say “no” to everything. The child should know that there are inviolable rules in the family that everyone must follow.

It’s easy to break a child, it’s more difficult to learn to negotiate. Therefore, it is necessary to master new models of behavior not only for children, but also for parents. I stopped keeping a table of calculations, who will “bend” whom, when I realized that by nature my child can become much stronger and cooler than me.

Once I read a life hack by Mikhail Labkovsky and stopped competing: “He is your child. You should be glad that he is stronger than you. You don’t have to measure your character. Come and take him in your arms. If you remember this rule, you will be able to grow an unbroken, strong personality with a strong inner core. Such people know what they are worth, value and respect themselves.

5. The child tries to compensate for unmet needs.

The list of basic needs of a child is not far behind the generally accepted hierarchy of needs of an adult. The well-known works of Abraham Maslow apply even to the smallest members of society. For ease of perception, I comprehended in my own way and combined the needs into 3 groups. These needs an adult cannot ignore:

● Physiological needs. This source of “bad behavior” is easily identified and can be linked to poor bedtime, hunger, fatigue, and other unmet needs. Often it is enough to understand the situation and provide the child with the correct mode. In this case, the child’s behavior is corrected in a fairly short time. My son at the age of 1 year and 2 months had a hard second bedtime in the afternoon. He woke up with a terrible hysteria, over the reasons for which I broke my head for some time. As soon as I shifted my bedtime to an earlier period, the disturbing symptoms disappeared.

● Need for security, love and belonging. Such different needs, but sometimes they are closely intertwined, for example, when we send children to kindergarten. Without adaptation, they become vulnerable on several fronts at once, which they try to talk about with the help of whims and bad behavior. Physical contact with the child, gentle hugs and a quiet, trusting voice help well. I unconditionally spent as much time as the child needed to understand that his mother loves him and will definitely come for him.

● The need for respect, recognition and self-realization. I remember every moment when adults treated me unfairly. A small child is no different, only he still does not know how, due to his age, to explain and choose the right words, which he compensates with rebellion.

The main reason for your child’s misbehavior is you.

It’s time to collect the stones. “Who do we have such an ill-bred child?” – perhaps the most ridiculous question of a parent. A child is a reflection of the family: what you have is what he has. There is only one effective way to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy child – to become such a person yourself.

Growing up as a good child is easier in a happy and successful family. Therefore, it is so important to understand the views of the child, to come to mutual agreement in understanding “good” and “bad”. Be a reliable support for your child, especially during difficult periods. Without your support, it will be very difficult for him to adapt and overcome natural age crises.

Through “bad behavior” the child learns – let him form new qualities. Giving a child unconditional love is a great art. We are not taught this anywhere, but now there are so many opportunities for self-knowledge and development. Learn the basics of child psychology, always be a role model for him, regardless of mood, weather and problems at work.

Due to age, a child does not know how to independently satisfy needs, the main of which is the need for love. What would happen if we could all love children just like that, without conditions and agreements, without division into good and bad?