Principles of communication for children and adults from Julia Gippenreiter

1. Unconditionally accept the child

Love a child not because he is beautiful, smart, capable, but simply because he is. You can often hear from parents: “If you are a good boy, then I will love you” or “Don’t expect a good attitude from me until you stop being rude, fighting, being lazy …” In these phrases, the child is directly told that he is accepted conditionally, «only if».

The need for love, for belonging, for being needed by another is one of the fundamental human needs. Therefore, it is important to tell the child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is just good.

Such messages are contained in friendly looks, affectionate touches, the words: “It’s good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love it when you are at home”, “I feel good when we are together». In addition, family therapist Virginia Satir recommended hugging the child more often. In her opinion, four hugs are necessary just for survival, and at least eight a day is needed to feel good. And not only for a child, but also for an adult.

But if I accept a child, does this mean that I should never be angry with him? No, it doesn’t. In no case should you hide and even more accumulate your negative feelings. You can express your dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

You can not condemn his feelings, no matter how unwanted or inadmissible they may be. Since they arose from him, then there are grounds for this. Dissatisfaction with the actions of the child should not be systematic, otherwise it will develop into rejection of him.

2. Do not interfere in the child’s business if he does not ask for help

With your non-intervention, you seem to tell him: «You’re all right»! Of course you can do it!” But if the child is faced with a serious difficulty that he cannot cope with, then the position of non-intervention can only bring harm. If it is difficult for him and he is ready to accept help, be sure to help.

It is very good to start with the words «Let’s go together!». These magic words open the door for the child to new skills, knowledge and hobbies. As the child develops, the range of tasks that he begins to do on his own increases due to those things that he used to do together with adults.

3. Gradually relieve yourself of care and responsibility for the personal affairs of your child and transfer them to him

It happens that a child already knows how to clean up toys, make beds, but does not do it! Often the root of negative persistence and rejection is in negative experiences. This may be a problem of the child himself, but more often it arises in your relationship with him. If contact with the child has long been lost, you should not think that you can fix everything in an instant.

Without a friendly, warm tone, nothing will work. This tone is the most important condition for success. Stop and listen to how you communicate with him. Perhaps «guidelines» are needed somewhere, but not in joint activities with the child. As soon as they appear, work together stops. After all, together means equals. Do not take a position above the child, children are very sensitive to it and begin to resist the necessary, disagree with the obvious, challenge the indisputable.

The next very common cause of conflicts is overly caring parents who want more for their children than the children themselves. Parents who prepare lessons for their children or enter a university, a music school with them. Those who want too much for a child, as a rule, are themselves unhappy with their lives. They have neither the strength nor the time for their own interests and personal life. They always have to drag the boat against the current.

The process of transferring responsibility to a child is not easy. It has to start with little things. This usually causes great anxiety for parents. This is understandable: after all, you have to risk the temporary well-being of the child. Objections are as follows: “If I don’t wake him up, he will be late for school”, “If I don’t force her to do her homework, she will pick up twos” …

Paradoxical as it may seem, but a child needs a negative experience, of course, if it does not threaten his life or health. Allow him to face the negative consequences of his actions (or his inaction). Only then will he grow up and become «conscious.»

4. Actively listen to the child

“Return” to him in a conversation what he told you about, while denoting his feeling. In all cases when a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely or unfairly, you need to let him know that you know about his experience (or condition).

For example, a mother is sitting on a park bench, her three-year-old baby runs up to her in tears: “He took my typewriter!” The usual answer: «Well, nothing, he will play and give back.» Active listening: «You are very upset and angry with him.» Second case. The son returns from school, in his hearts he throws his briefcase on the floor and says: “I won’t go there again.” The usual answer is: «How come you don’t go to school?!» Active listening: «You don’t want to go to school anymore.»

With habitual responses, we leave the child alone with his experiences, informing him that it is not important and is not taken into account. The answer according to the method of active listening shows that the parent understood the internal situation of the child, is ready, having heard about it, to accept it. Such sympathy makes a very special impression on the child.

Active listening conversation is very new to our culture and difficult to master. However, you will like this method as soon as you see the results. There are at least three of them. First, the negative experience of the child disappears or is greatly weakened. Secondly, the child, having made sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds. Thirdly, the child himself is advancing in solving his problem.

5. Avoid Automatic Replies

Parents who are trying to learn active listening complain of great difficulty: habitual answers come to mind.

Orders, commands: “Now stop it”, “Put it away”, “Quickly to bed”, “Shut up”. Such words evoke in the child a feeling of powerlessness, and even abandonment «in trouble.» In response, children usually resist, grumble, take offense, and become stubborn.

Warnings, warnings, threats: “If you don’t stop crying, I will leave”, “Once again this will happen, I will take the belt.” They are also bad because with frequent repetition, children get used to them and stop responding to them.

Morals, morals, sermons: “Every person must work”, “You must respect adults.” Usually, children do not learn anything new from such phrases — nothing changes from the fact that they hear it «for the hundred and first time.»

Tips, ready-made solutions: “And you take it and say …”, “I would surrender change if I were you.” As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice and often cite ourselves as an example. Such a position of parents — a position from above — irritates children, and most importantly, does not leave them with a desire to tell more about their problem.

Proofs, logical arguments, notations, «lectures»: “It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You are endlessly distracted, so you make mistakes.” Usually children answer: «Leave me alone» and stop listening to us.

Criticism, reprimands, accusations: “What does it look like?”, “You are always…”, “I shouldn’t have relied on you.” Such phrases evoke active defense in children, reciprocal attack, denial, anger, despondency, depression, disappointment in themselves and in their relationship with their parents.

Multiply these statements by the number of days, weeks, years during which the child hears this. You will get a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even heard from the closest people. In order to somehow balance this burden, children have to prove to themselves and their parents that they are worth something. The very first and easiest way is to criticize the demands of the parents themselves.

How to save the situation? Pay attention not only to the negative, but also to the positive aspects of the child’s behavior. Do not be afraid that words of approval will spoil it. “Thank you for helping me”, “It’s good that you came when you promised”, “I like to cook with you.” Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that he is loved, so it is not necessary for him to express positive feelings. It’s not like that at all.

Praise, which always has an evaluation element. How to respond to the success or correct behavior of the child? It’s better to just express your feelings to him. Use the pronoun «I», «me» instead of «you». Instead of «What a good fellow you are,» say: «I’m glad,» «I’m pleased.»

Guesses, interpretations: “I know, this is all due to the fact that …”, “I suppose he got into a fight again.” This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to get away from the conflict.

Inquiry, investigation: “No, you still say”, “Well, why are you silent.” Try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. Instead of «Why are you angry?» say, «I sense that you’re angry,» and the conversation will take a different turn. The fact is that the question sounds like cold curiosity, and the affirmative phrase sounds like understanding and participation.

Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation: “Calm down”, “Pay no attention”, “Calm down”. The child hears in this the neglect of his worries, the denial or downplaying of his experience.

Joking, avoiding conversation. Showing a sense of humor alone does not solve a child’s problem.

6. If the child causes negative experiences with his behavior, tell him about it

When you talk about your feelings, speak in the first person. It is important to report exactly about your experience, and not about the behavior of the child. “I don’t like it when they go disheveled, I’m ashamed in front of my neighbors”, “Loud music tires me”, “It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone crawls under my feet, I stumble all the time.”

Such statements are called «I-messages». They have advantages. They allow you to express negative feelings in a way that is harmless to the child, and allow children to get to know their parents better. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in theirs. By expressing a feeling without being ordered or reprimanded, we leave the children free to make their own decisions. And then they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.