Pregnancy and sexuality: a sex therapist answers us

Karine Haentjens, obstetrician-gynecologist and sexologist, answers all our intimate questions about sexuality …

Pregnancy and sexuality: I develop a phobia of sex

• Since I got pregnant I have developed a phobia of sex. I have the impression that with each report, it will trigger a miscarriage. How to cure it ?

This phobic fear exists in some pregnant women, but remains without obstetrical basis. Apart from the threat of severe premature labor, penetration is not prohibited during pregnancy. Fortunately, it presents no danger!

If despite this information, the fear persists, you should know that you can, at certain times in your life as a woman, temporarily and according to your desires, have non-coital sexuality (without penetration and male ejaculation) completely harmonious.

Pregnant, I don’t want to make love anymore

• Since my gynecologist told me that I could not have a child “naturally”, I no longer want to make love … How can I explain it?

For some women, sexuality cannot be separated from motherhood. Each sexual intercourse is a possibility to realize a desire for pregnancy and child. In their subconscious, carnal love is not a sin if it results in the birth of a baby. Learning about infertility requires grieving very difficult and sometimes impossible to do. Sexuality can then be disturbed, by depression, and, sometimes, the unconscious idea of ​​the uselessness of sex, since maternity is no longer the key. This may be all the more the case in a pregnancy obtained through ART, because for months or even years, sexual intercourse was planned and orchestrated with a view to becoming pregnant.

Pregnant, I have erotic dreams

• Since I was pregnant, it happened to me to have several erotic dreams up to orgasm! How to explain it?

Pregnancy is an emotional “tsunami” for both a woman and a man. Everyone manages to adapt to it with varying degrees of difficulty.

Some women can’t stand each other when they are pregnant. Others, like you no doubt, talk about “all power of motherhood“, Feel magnified and eroticized by this state… And it will be expressed even in their dreams. We know that the latter arise from conscious and unconscious upheavals.

Breastfeeding, libido and sexual desire

• I have heard that breastfeeding causes a decrease in sexual desire in women. Is it true ?

It is true that at the start of breastfeeding, physiological mechanisms of lactation lead to a decrease in libido. But many young mothers, breastfeeding or not, do not immediately find the desire to make love. This lack of desire can come from the fatigue linked to this new motherhood, to the multiple nocturnal awakenings of the newborn, etc. The apprehension of the first sexual intercourse also makes some women reluctant to resume a sexual life. Finally, others will also experience small drops in morale, a baby blues and sometimes a more serious depression which will affect their intimate life.

In case of abnormal and prolonged alteration of desire, do not hesitate to consult.

Pregnant, or young mother, my companion no longer touches me!

• He / she has not touched me since the birth of my baby. What to do ?

The arrival of a child necessarily upsets habits. This new “three-way” relationship requires a time of adaptation for the couple. Your partner may have this reaction for different reasons. To help you, it would be necessary to know your personal history, your previous sexuality, the history of this pregnancy, the delivery and the arrival of the baby. And then, to know how each one lived this “transformation”, from the couple to the triangulation (father, mother, child). The only advice I can maybe give you is to take the lead. He no longer “touches” you, but perhaps you can go to him? Either way, try to defuse tensions to create a more favorable climate to a discussion, and possibly both decide to consult a sex therapist for help.

Sex and pregnancy: it is more in the morning, me in the evening …

• He wants to make love all the time in the morning, whereas I’m more in the evening. This poses a real problem in our relationship …

A couple is a sum of concessions! Do not stay in your positions. Finding a compromise, whatever the stake, is a sign of intelligence and durability within a couple. Why not alternate? Sometimes make love in the evening, for you, and sometimes in the morning, rather for Monsieur! Without getting to keep a calendar and a count that would kill spontaneity, make it a real game and accept each other’s sexual preferences.

Can we love each other without sex?

• We haven’t had sex since my child was born (10 months ago), but we both live it very well. Can a couple exist without sex?

Yes, a couple can exist without sexuality, if we mean by sexuality “sexual intercourse”. On the other hand, no couple can live without contact or caresses, which are evidence of the emotional relationship. Two beings can love each other without making love, if it is a choice of couple and not a choice imposed by one or the other of the partners, explicitly or not.

Making love again after a cesarean

• I had a caesarean two weeks ago. Everything went very well, and now my libido is waking up. How long do I have to wait to resume the “hugs”?

When leaving the maternity ward, some doctors advise avoiding prolonged baths and sexual intercourse. for at least six weeks, time for the cervix to close. This limits the risk of endometritis, an infection of the uterine lining.

Some religious writings also require abstinence for forty days after childbirth. But apparently that’s too long a time for most couples! Some women resume their sexuality without problem before this time. It is enough to have the desire … Especially since as a gynecologist, I often find that the cervix has already closed. three or four weeks after the baby is born.

Become a mom, I force myself to make love

• I love my husband, but since I was a mother, I “force” myself to make love to make him happy. How to find the desire?

Forcing yourself is the worst thing, it’s a lie that will not lead to improvement! You might as well admit it and put energy into finding a solution. Give yourself back “the desire to want”, try to understand what is behind this demotivation, with the help of a sex therapist if necessary .