Knowing your weaknesses is necessary, so many patiently and gratefully listen to criticism. But is it possible to live without support and rely only on failures? Columnist Ilya Latypov argues.
Mother and teenage daughter are always fighting for cleanliness, especially in the kitchen — the daughter does not want to do anything. But one day she (“I don’t know what came over her,” her mother would later say) took and washed all the dishes herself and swept the floor. The mother, who returned from work, looked around the kitchen with a surprised look, and could only say: “Why didn’t you wipe it off the table?”
This kind of story in different variations I hear year after year from a variety of people. About homework, sports competitions, learning foreign languages … About bosses, spouses, children, friends …
All these stories have one thing in common: the unshakable confidence of the critics that the discovery of flaws is the most important thing, and the equally willingness of the criticized to agree with this state of affairs. To support someone is to point out that he is not succeeding, to give advice, and so on.
Moreover, we all know from personal experience: when others pay attention mainly to what we have not done/cannot/cannot do, this does not at all increase our desire to do something.
Next to the first idea, what to support is to point out a flaw, the second one walks, which further undermines the desire to do something or seek help. This idea — «Everything should work the first time, well, in extreme cases — the second, if the matter is difficult.»
And we again fall into the grip of shame: we don’t succeed right away, and we are constantly poked at failure. And the attempt to ask for support — to be praised, to notice the efforts — is also branded with shame as «unwillingness to work on oneself.»
It takes a lot of courage to ask for approval — and praise those who need it.
But it is impossible to rely on failures, just as it is impossible to rely on a rotten staff. Even a dog is often treated better than a human: trainers know that in order to teach it something, it should not be punished, not criticized — but encouraged when it succeeds. Criticism and punishment motivate only what should not be done. And that’s it.
In the Russian cultural tradition, anyone in need of anything is perceived as flawed. What if we need support? If you want to see our dignity, success? And if we not only need it, but directly ask for it: tell me what I can do, point out my merits …
For many, such a request will be dumbfounded. “Don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask”, be self-sufficient, you can’t rely on anyone, support yourself somehow — this is the credo of many people’s lives. And if someone comes to us with good words, then this is not just like that, he will need something from us. No, we’re somehow on our own. True, such a picture of the world and relationships makes sincere gratitude impossible — how can you experience it if you see only what is unfinished?
But the one who asks to pay attention to his merits or successes needs something that people do not deny to animals, but consider it unnecessary for themselves. Maybe it’s time for us to change the tradition? It will probably take a lot of courage to ask for approval — and praise those who need it. So that the mother, at least this time, could say to her daughter: “Thank you. You did great.»