Praise for courage

“Seven Steps Beyond the Horizon” – this film ends with a call: “Go ahead, you are talented!” Said in 1968, these words of the psychotherapist Vladimir Raikov became, as they would say today, a meme, served as the motto of thousands of amateur talent competitions. Today, the phrase has been forgotten, but it seems it’s time to remember it again. It is possible and necessary to dare today simply because we are people and we are alive.

Personal relationships and careers, raising children and civic solidarity – every area of ​​our lives imposes on us many requirements and restrictions, and their number is only growing. Simply because modern society is becoming more and more complex and new agreements and new rules are required to maintain its balance. But are they really necessary?

Of course, the threat of chaos is terrible. But, it seems, no less terrible is the threat of “ready-made thought”, which television screens and newspaper pages provide us with no worse than shops provide with ready-made clothes. We should be either for or against, and without any semitones, even in the most difficult issues. As if someone owns the truth, as if the solution is obvious. And it takes almost audacity to try to better understand the complex reality. “Society does not allow us to be special,” explains philosopher and psychoanalyst Elsa Godart. “Each of us is a workpiece of a person that they want to polish according to a single pattern. Someone who is brave is considered an outcast, an irresponsible type, just a madman, finally. They point the finger at him because he is out of line.”

Everything is so, but the only chance to move forward is increasingly being the ability to look at life from a different angle, to question what seemed unshakable, to dare to set foot on an unknown path. In order to overcome the feeling of helplessness, push your boundaries and follow your own desires.

Read more:

• Three pillars of resilience

Lost in Translation

What is the word for this ability? The word “arrogance” seems to have a negative connotation. In “daring” it is no longer there, but it turns out too high-flown. Psychology prefers the words “courage” and “daring”. They are sometimes tried to be divided according to the principle of “forcedness”. Courage and resilience are generally considered to be more of a reaction to external pressure (the way we behave when we or others are in danger). And courage, courage, bravery rather arise from inner motives. “Courage is closer to provocation, it means that we dare to do something, we stand up for ourselves beyond what we thought we were capable of,” says Else Godard. Courage is difficult because it robs us of peace. It encourages to express truths that not everyone likes, to leave the usual path and embark on adventures. The price of inaction is too high for us, and we decide to “fail”.

A clear division into courageous and courageous is still impossible, says psychologist Dmitry Leontiev: when one or another psychological trait is pronounced, it provokes us to search for situations that correspond to it. “A person of pronounced courage who prides himself on his courage will look for opportunities to show it, whether it is appropriate or not. And unconsciously he will construct situations of struggle and confrontation, because it is in them that he feels best. He is self-confident, he fulfills himself, he has a reason to be proud of himself. Here the circle closes: in this case, external pressure becomes the result of internal need.

Then who can we consider as daredevils, risking their quiet life in order to surpass themselves? Let’s remember, for example, wonderful innovators who weren’t forced by anyone to invent iPhones or Facebooks. Too high? Please let’s go lower. Take, for example, the economic crisis. And in your company they reduce wages and increase the workload. And in all other companies on the market – too. So can you be patient? Not getting paid adequately. And do not leave this wonderful company at your own peril and risk to organize your own business.

Or, let’s say your child, whom you dream of seeing as a successful lawyer, enters a prestigious university at your insistence. And shortly before the first session, he announces that he dropped out of school, because he intends to conquer the world by playing bass in a punk rock band. And then what to do? Give a child a brain and rush to an appointment with the rector? Or – and it’s scary to think! – buy a decent bass guitar? Most of us will take the beaten path in such situations. Be patient at work, talk to the child and the rector. Why? Yes, simply because the opposite would mean risking what we have for the sake of something not at all obvious.

Read more:

• Why do we mourn Palmyra?

No guarantees

In the early 1980s, the concept of resilience* appeared in psychology. One of its key components is the ability to accept risk. “That is, the willingness to act without a guarantee of success, given that even negative experience is useful. And, as you know, there is no full guarantee, ”explains Dmitry Leontiev. Those who avoid acting without guarantees of success are much more vulnerable to stress as a result. But in the end, the very quality we are talking about, be it courage, audacity or courage, underlies one of the strategies for coping with stress.

There are only two such strategies: “fight” or “flight”. In order to run away or hide, courage is hardly needed, but in order to accept a fight, it is needed, and even very much so. Of course, I would like to know which of these strategies science considers optimal – suddenly you can somehow manage without courage.

“Nature is arranged in such a way that a species is able to cope with various stressful influences if it has several response options: not only one will survive and win, but others, the task of survival is still fulfilled in the end,” emphasizes Dmitry Leontiev. – And therefore, a species where everyone is completely brave and courageous is inevitably a loser – as well as one where everyone is completely cautious and timid. The winner is that tribe, that species, that group, where different types of individuals are represented with different traits, with different types of reactions.

This, of course, does not answer the question of whether one should fight or flee in any given situation. But, oddly enough, it brings him closer. Because what is true of the whole species is obviously true of one person. And the one who reflexively throws himself at any opponent with his fists will inevitably stumble one day on a stronger fist. And the one who is used to sitting out will one day be caught in trouble and in the safest refuge. And only a variety of response options increases our chances of successfully overcoming stress. Therefore, courage, along with caution, is vital for us, without exaggeration.

Fear of conflict

Why, then, do we so often lack such vital courage? One reason is the fear of conflict, points out psychotherapist Charles Rojzman. “We often confuse conflict with violence,” he states. “Meanwhile, conflict is an opportunity to constructively indicate disagreement without renouncing your point of view and without trying to subdue the other person, not considering him a fool or a monster.”

Yes, our decisions inevitably confront us with the reactions of others. And the more boldly we act, the higher the risk that others will condemn us, push us away. Largely, by the way, because our actions bring them face to face with their own desire for change, which they do not dare to dare. “Non-violent conflict is often inevitable if we persist in trying to be who we want to be. But it is also the only way to preserve both our personality and ties with those who are dear to us, ”says Charles Roizman. Otherwise, there is a danger of slipping into submission (I submit to what is expected of me, and as a person I no longer exist) or into rebellion (I live in a state of reaction to the desires of others, and not in accordance with my own desires). Either way, everyone loses. But “when we fail to realize our life goals, we are overcome by despair,” Charles Roizman is sure.

Read more:

• Happy accident – dream or reality?

Make a step

Meaning is considered to be the primary source of our vital energy. This point of view was held, for example, by the psychologist Viktor Frankl. It is the meaning that allows each of us to draw in ourselves the will, creativity, and resilience. Without it, we inevitably lose all motivation to act. Of course, not everyone and not always able to say what meaning drives them. Sometimes we understand this only when we look back and discover a bright thread that runs through the fabric of our lives. But we always notice how certain actions fill us with joy and energy. It happens when we do what we want deep down in our hearts. And allowing yourself to be bolder ultimately means setting off in search of your own meaning in life. Where to begin? From small. “The first act of courage is to step out of the crowd and say: “I am me,” says Elsa Godard. “The way I am, regardless of the rules and regulations, leaders and experts, spiritual leaders and TV presenters.” Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings and desires is the first step. “The life of a courageous person also implies a rethinking of what is dictated by the environment,” continues Elsa Godard. – This is the ability to think about the world around you and your place in it. The ability to keep your head down. The ability, finally, to challenge oneself, and not to consider that all efforts are doomed in advance. And do not listen to those who say that you will not achieve anything! We are all born with some kind of inner impulses. And the biggest and bitterest defeat is not to try to follow them.

And – yes, we can find true love, and travel to distant lands, and leave everything to start anew. We can fix something in our yard, at work, and even in the country. How high to set the bar is up to us. If only you had the courage.

* S. Maddi «Hardiness: Turning Stressful Circumstances into Resilient Growth» (Springer, 2012).