Blame or respect? Mutual lecturing or the opportunity to hear the other? Conducting a constructive dialogue is a kind of art, having mastered it, we increase the chances of creating strong and close relationships, family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom are convinced. Their practical advice helps to improve communication skills in the family.
There are three magic words in real estate: location, location, and again location. And indeed, it is extremely important. Drawing an analogy, we can say that the three magic words in a relationship are «communication», «communication» and again «communication». And some types of communication are more fruitful than others, family therapists Linda and Charlie Bloom are convinced. However, this is not about the number of conversations. Bigger is not necessarily better, experts say. Sometimes words even get in the way.
Speaking about the skills of a good communicator, we often mean public speaking skills. However, speech is only half the equation, Linda and Charlie say. Another, and perhaps even more important component is the ability to listen. A good listener is a good communicator, because understanding and connection are the jackpot in the world of relationships. There is a huge difference between a monologue conversation and a dialogue conversation.
A conversation that is more like a monologue often lacks a sense of connection. For those who are looking for connection, contact and understanding, Linda and Charlie have prepared some practical tips for conducting a dialogue.
- Define your intent. “Be honest with yourself: understand exactly what you want to achieve through communication, and tell your partner about it.”
- Negotiate. «Check with your partner and choose a time to talk that works for both of you.»
- Eliminate or minimize distractions. “Turn off the TV if possible, don’t answer calls, put down the paper, and avoid multitasking while talking to each other. Give your loved one your full attention.» So, for example, it’s definitely not worth having an important conversation while driving a car.
Listening calmly, without reproaches or accusations, is a skill that can be developed with practice.
- Start from your experience. «Express feelings and thoughts, not criticism, judgments, beliefs, and do not give advice.»
- Do not interrupt. “Let your partner finish before you start answering. Having spoken, he will be more open and interested in hearing from you.”
- Don’t focus on being right. “Resist the temptation to challenge what you disagree with. Instead of correcting your partner (“It wasn’t right!..”), share your point of view, for example: “As far as I remember, it was…”. Keep in mind that both the perception and the memories of each of you are probably slightly distorted.
- Thank your partner for agreeing to talk. It is important to find something positive to be thankful for, even if it is just a desire to participate in a conversation with us.
- Keep up the dialogue. “If the time for the conversation runs out, agree to continue it later (it’s better to immediately clarify when exactly).”
Of course, following these recommendations does not guarantee that every conversation will end successfully, but the advice of experts increases the chances of hearing and understanding each other. Listening calmly, without reproaches or accusations, is a skill that can be developed with practice, experts say.
About the experts: Linda and Charlie Bloom are family therapists.