Postpartum depression: what you need to know

“The most ordinary conversation with my husband can end up with me crying and I can’t stop. He is not able to understand me … I hear only accusations and reproaches. Postpartum depression is not just fatigue, but a type of depressive disorder. In depression, a person feels unnecessary, rejected, disconnected from the world. And it is even more difficult for a young mother – she is responsible not only for herself, but also for a little person who has just come into this world.

What’s happening?

The reality is that every tenth woman after childbirth becomes depressed. Think about it: every tenth! And only 15% of them turn to specialists for help.

Most hide their suffering, pretend that everything is under control – drowning in guilt and fear of not coping, of being “unworthy” of their mission. And you can’t say that this fear is groundless … The child does not receive the emotional response he needs so much, and the mother simply cannot give it. She is tired of communicating with the baby, his cries are annoying. She is angry both at the child and at her own helplessness.

“I get shivers when I hear my baby crying…Sometimes I just don’t want to hold him…I feel like I can’t be a good mother” is a real complaint from a client. The young mother is in despair: she cannot control the disturbing thoughts that overwhelm her, she loses sleep, appetite and even the will to live. The circle closes: the less she eats and sleeps, the more space in her life is occupied by anxiety and impotence.

Husband, mother, mother-in-law and friends who have passed the baptism of fire motherhood are sounding the alarm. “You need to eat more! You don’t have enough milk! You’re wearing it wrong!” – endless advice and instructions pour in like a bucket. All this household fuss only increases stress and guilt.

The only thing a young mother wants is for everyone to leave her alone. But really in such a situation, a woman needs someone to understand her, share her feelings, give her support.

How does it work?

It is difficult to find one reason why postpartum depression occurs. Hormonal surges, regimen disturbances, stress, hereditary predisposition – all this can play a role.

In itself, the appearance of a child changes the way of life and relationships in the family: in addition to marital roles, the couple has new roles: parental. Very often, the husband becomes the main breadwinner and can go to work with his head, which means spending less time with his family. The woman is almost entirely in the power of the maternal role.

The relationship between spouses is changing. The child comes first: his needs are served first. He is put to sleep in a common bed, and the father often moves to sleep in another room (if possible), sometimes for many months.

Communication becomes poorer: all topics revolve around the child, and fatigue dulls feelings. Family boundaries become more open to relatives on both sides. Young parents constantly hear advice, recommendations and instructions on how to properly swaddle, feed, educate, what can and cannot be done.

Finally, the daily routine in the first days of a child’s life is scheduled by the hour. Hygienic procedures, rhythmic alternation of sleep and feeding, walking, bathing… Such a clear regimen is useful for a child, it gives a feeling of stability and predictability. But for a mother, such a life can seem like an endless and hopeless Groundhog Day.

Depression closes a woman access to her best “I”. It happens that she does not recognize herself, feels that someone else lives in her body. Her character may change, unusual difficulties may appear in the most ordinary affairs, unexpected emotions and thoughts may visit her. A missed phone call or forgotten kefir in the store can cause tears.

What used to bring joy and pleasure may seem devoid of all meaning.

How to help?

First of all, be close. The nature of depression is such that it alienates a person from his loved ones. This is her most insidious trait.

In psychotherapy, it is important to help clients to use the energy of resistance, to take an active position.

Perhaps now the situation seems like a nightmare, but you can look at it differently – as an exciting adventure, a fight against an alien, an evil sorcerer or a dangerous virus that is trying to capture the mind of a loved one.

Tips for loved ones

Unravel the “strategy” of the invader. Think of the frog that did not have time to jump out of the pot on the fire and boiled. How do you keep depression from taking you by surprise?

Make it a rule to measure the “temperature” in the family. Talk to a young mother, ask about her feelings, note the warning signs – fatigue, confusion, irritation, long sadness and prostration. Look after yourself too. Do you feel fear, anxiety, irritation for no apparent reason? Try to step back from your experiences and analyze them. Assess the situation as realistically as possible. Don’t panic, but don’t be fooled either.

Engage resources. Forget the words “get together”, “do not become limp”, “remember that you are a mother.” A depressed woman has no strength – she needs help around the house, with cooking and a child. She needs time to just be alone with herself and do what she wants, without pressure and control.

Finally, she needs emotional support. To begin with, try to “unload” her: find someone with whom you can leave the child, take on some of the household chores, ask relatives and friends not to bother her.

And most importantly, create an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance. Moral teachings, notations and reproaches – no. Heartfelt conversations, long hugs, small gifts made with soul – yes. Remember, sharing emotions enhances them.

Find your Gandalf. In fairy tales and fantasy films, heroes are often saved by the intervention of a kind and strong magician when it seems that there is no way out. With postpartum depression, it happens the same way: sometimes it manifests itself so strongly that you cannot do without a specialist.

Do not be afraid to seek the help of a psychotherapist who can advise you and, if necessary, select the necessary medicines. But choose a specialist carefully: study his regalia, look at the reviews.

Be patient. How long the release will take depends on many factors (including how well the medicines are selected). On average, the period of “assault” takes from a month to six months. Relief comes earlier, and it is important to notice changes here.

Rejoice in your successes, as in the first warm days after a harsh winter. At first, you may have to look for green shoots where there used to be a green carpet. But it is from them that a new flowering garden will eventually grow.

A sunbeam, a pleasant melody, a cup of delicious tea is a source of endorphins that you and your spouse need. Over time, your feelings – joy, delight, rapture, interest – will become deeper and stronger. Beating depression together will strengthen your alliance and become a valuable experience.