The arrival of a child changes lives. Caring for a baby requires serious physical and psychological resources, and getting used to the new role of a parent is not easy. 10-15% of women develop postpartum depression. And what happens to men? Are they just as difficult?
With the birth of a child, a woman’s lifestyle changes dramatically. According to the Superjob portal, in Russia 98% of women go on maternity leave. In Europe, too, in most cases, the mother, and not the father, goes on parental leave. There are no such serious changes in the life of a man, and it seems that it is easier for him to get used to a new role. At the same time, according to statistics in European countries, depression after the birth of a child occurs in fathers in 10-12% of cases, that is, almost as often as in mothers. Why is this happening? Psychologists give three answers.
Partner Status
American psychiatrist Murray Bowen said that the family is a system of relationships, the participants of which influence each other. Research shows that women who avoid postpartum depression receive stable emotional support from their spouse.
This rule is also true for men: the development of depression in the father is associated primarily with the state of his wife. If the spouse is in a difficult emotional state, a man has to take care of the child himself, to master a new role alone. He has no one to share his thoughts and anxieties with.
A man feels guilty and confused about not being able to support his wife
“My wife was crying all the time, she couldn’t take her daughter in her arms and feed her,” says Igor, father of a one-year-old daughter. “I had to do everything myself. My daughter was spitting up, I was worried and could not understand if this was normal. I wanted to discuss this with my wife, to consult with her, but she just went into the room and lay motionless.
Unrealistic expectations
Before the birth of her daughter, it turned out that the husband did not know that childbirth was a very painful process. He never discussed it with his mother or friends, never thought about it. He read with amazement several stories about childbirth on the women’s forum and actively joined in the search for a maternity hospital. As a rule, men are less likely to discuss the difficulties of caring for a child with their parents or colleagues. Therefore, their chances of forming adequate ideas about parenthood are somewhat lower than those of women.
According to research, one of the main roles in the development of depression is played by idealistic expectations from parenthood. Australian psychologists Tracey Muscat and Karen Thorpe asked expecting couples about their perceptions of newborn behavior. The study participants were then visited a few months after giving birth.
It turned out that parents with idealistic ideas felt constant anxiety and disappointment. The couple, who were preparing for the worst, calmly coped with the difficulties.
“I knew that it would be difficult with a baby, but I didn’t imagine that our life would change so much,” says Maxim, father of a one and a half year old daughter. — I thought that we would continue to travel and visit often, only with the child. But for the first few months, my daughter slept very badly and cried a lot — it was even difficult to go out with her, let alone go somewhere. It seemed to me that it would never end and there was nothing good ahead, I did not want to get up in the morning.
Relationship crisis
Psychologists Lange, van der Hart and Haley developed a periodization of family life. The arrival of the first child marks the transition from one stage, the couple, to the next, the family with young children. Large-scale changes in the family provoke a crisis in the relationship of the spouses. If there were problems in the couple before the birth of the child, then with the appearance of the child, the difficulties are often exacerbated.
It is important for spouses to be ready for the test of relationships and be able to cope with conflicts in a couple.
In the UK, the effectiveness of the state program for future parents was investigated. After the birth of the child, the participants were asked what knowledge they really needed. Information on how to resolve conflicts in a couple turned out to be the most useful, in contrast to the sections on complementary foods and bathing.
“We often quarreled with my wife even before the birth of our son — she was unhappy with my habits, friends, work,” says Pavel, father of a 10-month-old son. — I hoped that our relationship would improve when the child appeared, she really wanted him. But after the birth of my son, I felt completely unnecessary. My wife said that I was not holding and dressing the baby like that, she did not want to let me near him. At the same time, she constantly said that I did not help much. I didn’t want to go home in the evening.»
Realistic expectations are one of the most important components of happy parenthood. Spouses should be ready for major changes in life and relationships, and at the same time remember that both, not only the wife, but also the husband, will have to master a new role. Mutual support, readiness to listen and support each other will help to cope with all difficulties.