Positive addiction: when it is not necessary to get rid of it

The dissemination of popular psychological information has led to the fact that often “diagnoses” are made unprofessionally and too hastily.

For example, the label «narcissist» does not always apply to those who actually suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, and the name «toxic relationship» is used to indicate their displeasure with this or that act of an acquaintance.

Similarly, the need for intimacy is often defined as an addiction that must be fought. Meanwhile, according to various surveys, up to 96% of men and women believe that love is important and that you can only be happy if you have it in your life.

Let’s try to sort out this contradiction.

What do we mean?

First, let’s remember what it is. Addiction is a compulsive need to perform certain actions, despite their adverse consequences.

Almost everyone knows the examples. When someone realizes that he will be sick from alcohol, but cannot stop, stop drinking. A person suffering from sexual addiction understands that it is not necessary to start relationships with different women, this worsens relations with his wife, interferes with work, interferes with himself, but cannot change his behavior.

There are two key points in defining addiction: obsession and adverse effects. Addiction is always protective, it is an escape from reality. Over time, addiction takes on a generalized character, that is, it completely takes over a person.

Alcohol addict not only consumes it in large quantities. This becomes the main topic of his conversations and the motive of his actions, he chooses his acquaintances with the same characteristics, creates many rituals around the use. If you remove booze from his life, this very life, according to his subjective feelings, will lose its meaning. Because there is almost nothing left in it except alcohol.

This applies to both chemical and behavioral addictions: religious and computer addictions, sports addiction, plastic surgery and healthy lifestyles, shopping and workaholism have the same characteristics.

However, there is one type of innate addiction that has almost the same characteristics, with the exception of one: it does not have negative consequences, but, on the contrary, there are positive ones, which gives us a reliable support in life.

It is our need for other people and close relationships with them.

Productive Addiction

In the 60s, the child psychoanalyst John Bowlby, and then his followers Mary Ainsworth and Sue Johnson, formulated and confirmed attachment theory. Its essence is that we all have a biologically determined system that is responsible for the emotional connection between mother and child.

Four main styles of attachment have also been identified. They are preserved in later life, although to a certain extent they can be corrected. A secure attachment creates that inner foundation through which we can explore the world and be intimate with significant others.

From this point of view, attachment can be seen as dependence on others: finding and maintaining contact with the people around us is a condition of our existence. We are social beings, we need to communicate with our own kind.

The reality is different from Rudyard Kipling’s fairy tale: Mowgli children brought up by animals cannot learn to speak and live among people. In this sense, we are initially dependent on others.

What’s more, our childhood attachment style influences how successful we become, how easy it is for us to find loved ones as adults, and whether we can ask for and receive help.

But even feeling this need and dependence on others, we realize that we can cope with our difficulties on our own, but for a happier life we ​​need someone to love, trust someone, and to be reciprocated, also distinguishing us from all the rest.

We depend on our friends, we take care of them and think whether our words and deeds will be pleasant for them, we are inferior to them in some way, even to the detriment of our own interests.

The ability to compromise with another, to accept him for all his differences from us and to create intimate relationships — this is interdependence. Such relationships bring us a sense of security and give life meaning. They also make it easier to experience unpleasant moments and even pain.

There have been several studies in which participants reported that during moments of physical pain (such as a minor burn), they suffered less if they held the hand of a loved one — or even looked at their photo.

Other Attachment Styles

Children with an avoidant attachment style seem to be very comfortable: they do not pester their parents with questions, requests to tell a story or play, they do not make a difference between their own and others. You can hear their parents say with pleasure: “Mine is so sociable! It goes to everyone.»

In adulthood, such people develop the belief: «You can only rely on yourself.» They do not want to invest in relationships, share their feelings. They appear self-reliant and independent, consider themselves — and others often call them that — self-sufficient.

However, behind their behavior lies the fear of being abandoned, rejected. They go to their «inner Mongolia» because they are safer there than in the outside world with others.

Intimately avoidant individuals with this attachment style often fall prey to other types of addiction. This also applies to people with anxious attachments. Their partner seems unattainable, unloving. They react sharply to the situation of a breakup, they are very upset by the loss, and therefore they often look for both consolation and stimulation in alcohol: in order to risk making contact with a new person, they need to be brave.

And in relationships they are really dependent: they expect frequent manifestations of love and interest from friends and partners: “Tell me that you love me”, “Tell me that you need me”.

Once again about the differences

Constructive attachment gives us strength and joy, helps us to act in the world.

Love addiction is a constant clarification of relationships, real or imagined, long dialogues that are played «in the head.» It drains our strength and prevents us from expressing ourselves in the world.

In both cases, we are ready to make compromises, but in the case of dependence, this readiness comes to complete self-sacrifice, and also requires reciprocal gratitude. In the case of attachment, we respect both our own interests and the desires of another, his choice.

When our loved ones are lost or parted with, after the suffering associated with the loss subsides, we begin to experience sadness along with gratitude for the happiness and time spent together — if there was affection. But addiction leaves us crushed and broken: we don’t even have good memories.

The same can be said about the passion for reading or music. It really is so strong that it captures some of us completely.

If this obsession is our way of coping with anxiety, fears (such as death), if as a result of this obsession we lose touch with reality, destroy meaningful relationships, withdraw into ourselves and become exhausted, then this is a negative addiction.

If the connection helps us live and brings joy, then such a passion can be considered a productive addiction.

In some cases, «falling» into an activity, even if it is associated with negative consequences, can be adaptive.

For example, during self-isolation due to the coronavirus, many binge watched TV shows to the detriment of their work duties, which they were supposed to perform remotely. They could not tear themselves away from the series, even realizing that in this way they increase the risk of losing their jobs. This helped to reduce the sharply increased anxiety.

However, over time, as the situation became more familiar, this temporary dependence weakened and disappeared.

Love or Addiction?

Love

• “I feel good with you, I am happy when we are together, while I can easily be alone with myself or communicate with other people”
• “Our relations are constructive, they give energy”
• “I am the most important person in my life. You are next. I respect you and consider your interests»
• “I want us both to develop, I will help you in this and accept your help”

love addiction

• “I feel good only when I am together with you, and it’s bad apart” or “I feel bad when we are together, but being apart is unbearable”
• “Our relationships are exhausting, taking away strength”
• “You are the only important person in my life, my plans and interests mean nothing”
• “I give myself entirely to you, without a trace, no matter what happens to me, just to be with you”