Porn — what’s the danger?

“Porn viewing generates unrealistic expectations” is the most common response we have received from professionals. It turns out that if you make an amendment in your mind about the size of the penis and the number of partners per unit of time, porn is harmless? Intuition tells me it’s not…

Pornography is dangerous or can become dangerous. It is this feeling that makes wives worry about their husbands (and parents worry about their teenagers) if the former have reason to believe that the latter are addicted to watching Internet sex products. What exactly is the danger? The opinions of experts are ambiguous. Some say that by comparing themselves to porn stars, the viewer risks lowering their self-esteem. Others see no harm in porn at all and even believe that its mild subspecies can serve as a way (at least one of many) of sexual education. But if it’s just an unflattering comparison for the amateur of his average data with the outstanding talent of professionals in this field, two questions remain unanswered. The first is emotional: is our intuition really lying? The second is rational: where does porn addiction come from then? I found the answers to them in the book of the American psychotherapist Brandi Engler «Men on my couch»¹.

Intuition does not fail us — porn is really dangerous:

• for the beholder, by that which creates a veil between himself and his real needs,
• for relationships, by something that breaks the contact between two people.

And now the answer to the second question: how does porn addiction arise?

To begin with, let’s pay attention to the fact that a porn story in which participants rejoice at each other, caress each other, express pleasure about what is happening between them is a rarity.². Much more often we will meet scenes of mechanistic, impersonal interaction or violence and coercion of varying degrees. That is, in the additional emotional lines that the creators add to the main, actually sexual plot (in other words, sexual intercourse), not pleasure motives are involved, but manifestations of power and anger. These are precisely the feelings that underlie our major unresolved conflicts. What does it mean?

Most of our internal conflicts begin in childhood (a discussion of childhood in this context might seem blasphemous to some, but we hope the reader will take into account: this is done in order to clarify the essence of the matter). Parents order us, we are forced to obey, even when we don’t want to. We suppress our anger at our parents, for fear of punishment or for fear of upsetting them. We crave parental care and attention, but we do not receive them in the amount that we would like. We rush to our parents with an expression of our ardent affection, and in response we hear: «Don’t interfere», «Don’t you see, mom is busy.» As a result, over and over again we suppress our feelings and desires, and this suppression becomes habitual, unconscious and automatic. Being suppressed, they create a reservoir of energy «locked» inside us, which seeks and does not find a way out.

What do porn creators do? They connect these feelings (which initially may or may not have had any sexual overtones at all) with a sexual plot. Sexual tension is fueled by emotional tension. And along with real sexual release, the viewer gets the illusion of emotional release—and even more frustration in the near future, as his core conflict remains unresolved.

Then comes the «hangover» — feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety. They can be expressed in thoughts: “I am acting badly and cannot stop”, “I am spoiled”, “something is wrong with me” or in general depression, causeless irritability. After all, anger, power, sex are just those impulses that, in accordance with cultural norms (and, accordingly, upbringing) must be suppressed, therefore, for some, their manifestation or even occurrence entails a sense of guilt. After that, the whole cycle repeats itself: the growing tension again brings its «owner» to the source of surrogate satisfaction.

Thus, “innocent” porn viewing gradually turns into porn addiction, which, in turn, prevents the resolution of the internal conflict (in particular, because the client may not even be aware of its existence and is not looking for ways to resolve it) and the ability to achieve intimacy with the real one. , a living woman. As porn becomes a factor influencing tastes and habits, a woman is transformed from a sexual person into a sexual object, a tool. Her individuality is devalued, but at the same time the man reduces himself to the role of a pure consumer and devalues ​​or denies his emotional demands. The situation is aggravated by the fact that mass culture encourages this approach.³: a man with emotional needs is a nurse and a dead man, and with sexual needs he is a macho and sex giant.

So far, we have been talking about men — it is on them that the production of porn is primarily focused, as is clear from the plots. But this does not mean that addiction to it is peculiar only to men. Women also have unresolved conflicts, intimacy problems, and sexual needs. So they, too, are not immune from the psychological harm that the habit of obtaining satisfaction through porn can cause.

What is the conclusion? First of all, if we caught a loved one (or ourselves) watching porn, shouting “Don’t you dare!” and to frighten with gloomy prospects is not only bad, but useless. Addiction to porn is not a cause, but a consequence. The reason is the lack of spiritual intimacy, warmth, understanding, human contact. Perhaps the porn lover is to blame for this, perhaps it is he who does not know how to build contact, does not know how to open up towards another, he is closed and clamped, but reproaches and punishment will definitely not lead to improvement. The question of wives and lovers “Is it not enough for him?” most often it has no basis, because the point is not in sexual dissatisfaction, but in emotional. Men (more often than women) tend to sublimate the need for love through sex. Simply put, when they lack love, they themselves subjectively perceive it as sexual dissatisfaction. So this problem should be solved in the psychological space.

¹ Brandi Engler «Men on my couch. Real stories about love, sex and psychotherapy. (Eksmo, 2013). This is not a special psychological literature, but a work of art — the author tells not only about clients, but also about herself, about her reactions to what is happening both in her office and outside it, about her love, doubts and trying to break up. The combination of personal sincerity and professional approach is the special charm of this book. Every experience that is described in it is simultaneously subjected to careful and convincing analysis.

² At the end of sadomasoric videos, the performer of the role of the “victim” is often shown, who, with a smile on her face, declares that she was not harmed and, in general, she liked everything. But they do not count, since this monologue unfolds outside the sexual plot and is intended not to complement it, but to soften the conscience of the scrupulous viewer and the possible claims of the law. And in the course of the action, the victim, as it should be, shows signs of suffering.

³ The reason is quite obvious: the consequence of this approach is the alienation between potential sexual partners, which has a commercial value: the consumer is offered to buy a variety of means to become desirable (and then even more desirable — and so on ad infinitum). Whereas for true intimacy, participants do not need anything other than themselves.