They do not consider their way of life polygamy or depravity. We are just sure that loving several people at the same time is an open and honest position. Maybe tomorrow we will all live the way they live today?
«I just made love on the phone, it’s very nice!» — smiles 47-year-old Fedor. His wife, 40-year-old Inna, nods in agreement. And in turn, he talks about his two lovers. They are not alone. They have friends who, like them, experimented with strict monogamy, guest marriage and occasional infidelity, after which they came up with the idea of a union in which physical fidelity is not considered a necessary condition for a relationship. This view of love is called polyamory or polyamory. (one)
Some adherents of polyamory have a «main» partner, others participate in several couples «on an equal footing», without giving preference to any of their lovers. Still others see it as a temporary measure — for example, 35-year-old Ivan hopes that this will help him get out of the family crisis. “In my opinion, this is a better solution than divorce,” he says.
Free yourself from guilt
It seems that in all these cases, the new love does not drive out the old one, but is added to it. Nothing new: even Nikolai Chernyshevsky dreamed of a free union. (2) “Love is directed towards the feeling of our uniqueness, but desire is changeable,” observes Elena Ulitova, a family therapist. And this contradiction men and women are trying to resolve throughout the history of their relationship.
“We have worked out some rules for ourselves,” says Fedor. “For example, when I’m with my wife, I can ask for another woman’s phone number, but I won’t stay with her.” Inna adds: “Together with Fedor, we make love without a condom, but we use protective equipment when entering into any other relationship.” The possibility of «any others» is part of their mutual agreement. This allows them to avoid lying—and the guilt that it entails. But the unconscious guilt associated with sexuality remains. It occurs during the oedipal phase of a child’s development, when he has to deal with incest cravings (3). “By increasing the number of partners, polygamists may be looking for a way to deviate from a parental or sibling figure that arouses desire,” explains psychoanalyst Éric Smadja.
- How do we understand loyalty?
avoid symbiosis
38-year-old Sergei is not worried that his girlfriend and the same age as Svetlana has other partners. But he doesn’t like it when she doesn’t use protection. This is what he considers infidelity, because it is a violation of the promise she made to him. Compliance with agreements is a manifestation of mutual respect. And it is necessary to maintain balance in a pair, no matter what conditions it exists. It also helps to avoid hurting fantasies. “Having specified the boundaries of what is permissible in advance, they gain confidence that other connections will not encroach on the territory of their relationship,” says sexologist Irina Panyukova. Do they manage to avoid jealousy? “Not completely,” Sergey admits, “but when I realized that I could rejoice at Sveta’s happiness, even when I didn’t give her this happiness, I felt much freer.”
“Jealousy, if it does not reach the dimensions of pathology, is part of love,” says Eric Smadja. Among our unconscious fantasies are those that include images of «devouring», the complete absorption of the object of love. By fragmenting their attachment, polygamists may be trying to avoid symbiosis, which they perceive as a danger. “There is no need to put all your eggs in one basket,” Inna is convinced, “when a woman has only one man, she risks becoming too dependent and losing herself.” However, there are also difficulties: competition, fear of a break (the partner may go to a new partner or partner), pain due to the loss of a sense of one’s exclusivity.
Those who practice polyamory have more fears than others. “With multiple partners, the mental and emotional burden on each one is reduced,” continues Eric Smadja. “As well as disappointment and grief in the event of the loss of love.” Relationships develop smoothly, and if there is uncertainty in them, then it is easier to endure. A friend gets closer, turns into a lover, leaves. If with one we have to take a step back, then at this time we can lean on the other. In the same way, some couples protect themselves from crises or boredom by enthusiastically switching to work or friendship — that is, like polygamists, they look for resources outside their union. “Both options have the right to exist,” the psychoanalyst believes, “unless behind this there is an inability to jointly confront difficulties.”
Become more seductive
Many simultaneous romances can be a means of self-affirmation — especially for those whose self-esteem depends on external opinions. “I feel more confident when I manage to seduce someone else,” admits 32-year-old Valery. “And it brings variety to my life.”
Travel with one, spend weekends with another, spend evenings on weekdays with a third? “Our ability to endure dissatisfaction or cope with emptiness depends on the development of the personality,” says Elena Ulitova. “Many seek to immediately fill their time and their thoughts with something, and even anticipate the possibility of any lack. They stock up on partners for the future, like cereals or matches. In this case, there is a danger that a surplus is formed. “Yes, there is a risk that there simply won’t be enough mental strength to maintain all relationships,” Fedor agrees. Today, apart from Inna, he has only one constant lover. “I guess everyone dreams of meeting someone who will give us everything we lack,” continues the family therapist. “But alas, this dream is unrealizable.” Maybe the polygamists are driven by the same hope one day to find an ideal partner? “Perhaps, and although this is the pursuit of a ghost, it supports in them the desire for love, and therefore vital energy,” Elena Ulitova replies. Some will argue that polyamory is not love. “Maybe they are right,” agrees Valery. “But if I had to choose, I don’t know which I would prefer.”
1. More information about polyamory can be found on the English site:
2. “When a man recognizes the equality of a woman with himself, he refuses to look at her as his belonging. Then she loves him, as he loves her, only because she wants to love, but if she does not want, he has no rights over her, just as she has over him ”(N. Chernyshevsky“ What is to be done? ”, EKSMO, 2013 )
3. From the point of view of classical psychoanalysis, a child goes through the oedipal phase of development between the ages of 3 and 6, when a third person is included in the mother-child relationship: it can be a father, as well as brothers and sisters. At this stage, sexually colored feelings arise for the parent of the opposite sex. For more details, see Z. Freud «I and It» (Azbuka-klassika, 2007).