Politics and relationships: to be right or to be happy?

Less than a year is left before the presidential elections in the Russian Federation. The closer March 2018 is, the more political passions heat up. As it has already happened, for example, after the annexation of Crimea to Russia, when Russian-language social networks were overwhelmed by a wave of conflicts on ideological grounds. A huge, without exaggeration, number of people found themselves on opposite sides of the verbal barricades. The couple divorced, yesterday’s friends became fierce opponents.

Why does politics affect us so much? And how not to let her bring chaos and destruction to our personal lives? We talked to people for whom the political issue has become key.

“Rejection of my country is violence”

Nadezhda Eremenko, a citizen of Ukraine, has been working in Europe for the last year and a half in an international company. Born in Donetsk, in her 32 years she managed to live both in the USA and in Russia. In Moscow, she left many friends and her own apartment. According to her, the last two years of her life she felt uncomfortable because she felt pressure at work, from TV screens, on the Internet. At some point, Nadezhda realized that it was impossible to communicate with some people who were understandable yesterday.

“My friend’s wife and I see the future of the country of which we are citizens diametrically opposed,” she says. — When this political conflict happened, at first we exchanged views in a civilized manner, then, on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia), it began to get personal, and I blocked it. I communicate with a friend, but the three of us are unlikely to be able to meet.”

Nadezhda’s relationship with her parents, who live in Kyiv but adhere to a pro-Russian position, has also become tense. However, among her acquaintances there are many who chose friendship and publicly or tacitly declared that «we no longer touch the Ukrainian issue.»

“I am convinced that every person has the right to self-identification — national, gender, political,” says Nadezhda. — And any doubts about this right, the denial of my country are painful for me. This is the crossing of personal boundaries and emotional abuse. I am for freedom of choice and I want it to be respected.”

Family conflicts based on politics are well known to 44-year-old Yulia. She is originally from the Crimea, but has lived in Moscow for many years. Of all the relatives, about 30 people, only the older sister is against joining. According to Yulia, her sister’s husband, a native of Lvov, turns his wife against the family.

“Mom is very hard given this unexpected conflict. In whom, says, daughter? After all, she was always with us at the same time, — says Yulia. They didn’t talk at all for two months. Mom is offended, she is angry. Although she is 70 years old, she is a sane, adequate lady, a polyglot and an erudite. She has an opinion on everything.»

Due to political differences, Yulia began to communicate less often with her sister. They almost never talk. “If we do get together, the topic of politics is strictly forbidden. When I visit them, I am constantly in suspense: as if there is something superfluous not to say. ”

“Both of our grandfathers fought, but on different sides”

Galina studied in Poland, then trained in Hungary, in 2011 she moved to Germany to work in the field of digital marketing. She lived in different parts of the country and six months ago she moved to her future husband in Cologne.

“We have been together for a little over two years, we met in Berlin, where he came on a business trip. says Galina. — A year and a half skated to each other. Every weekend one of us ended up at the airport. The fact that we started a relationship at a distance made us talk more and discuss possible misunderstandings from the first minutes, because otherwise we would not have lasted so long.

And there were misunderstandings. “We are representatives of countries that played key roles in World War II. Both of our grandfathers fought, and it is very interesting how differently this fact is perceived in our families, in the memories of the children and grandchildren of front-line soldiers,” says 31-year-old Galina.

On current political issues, the positions of Galina and her partner coincide to a greater extent. “I think it’s because my partner was born and raised in Germany, he was not affected by the events related to the GDR and the destruction of the Berlin Wall,” continues Galina. “There were no rations in his family, salary delays for months, communal apartments and endless lines. And it was in my life. I am very grateful to my man that he is always trying to understand why I see more danger than he does in any military action or accepting a large number of refugees.

In other countries, the situation with mixed families is different. “In France, if they quarrel, it’s usually not about politics,” said Lana, 45, a Russian woman who married a Frenchman. She has been living in Nice for 4 years.

In her opinion, in families where the spouse is a foreigner, it quickly becomes clear whether the couple has a future or not. Here they don’t pull with a divorce if you don’t like something. And if political views appear in the list of reasons, then in last place. People either agree on them, or there are irreconcilable differences. “But usually men, before marrying a foreigner, accept her all, with her whole country and the president,” Lana notes.

Most of the families that our compatriots, more often compatriots, create in Japan are based on the principle of inequality. “And this is not a tribute to tradition. Rather, our ladies are so comfortable. For their sake, the samurai are ready for anything,” says 45-year-old “Russian Japanese” Tatyana. Such relations do not imply even a hint of political topics.

Tatyana’s family was an exception; politics was discussed here. “We thought we could come to a consensus on any issue. But 2014 came, Crimea happened, she recalls. — After each news release, it seemed: the war was about to begin. The Japanese cited the news in vying — the topic came up in connection with the Kuril Islands. Our family was on vacation in Okinawa. In the intervals between sea bathing and pleasure walks, the husband turned on the TV, from where a Russophobic stream poured.

I began to panic: there was already an ambiguous attitude towards my son both in kindergarten and at school. I understood that my boyfriend would have a hard time at the end of the summer holidays. On the last evening, I gave my husband everything I think about the unfairness of the accusations against my homeland. My husband stared into nowhere and … interrupted me: “No more words. Otherwise, we will get divorced … «. Since then, political topics have been taboo for us.

«Look into the real cause of problems»

Why is there so much politics in our lives and why does it evoke so many emotions? “The human psyche is designed in such a way that it is important for him to belong to a certain community of people, ethologists, scientists who study the behavior of animals and people and find common patterns are well aware of this,” says psychologist, blogger Dmitry Belousov. “And they explain this need by saying that in ancient times, when our ancestors walked in skins and lived in caves, the survival of a person depended on whether his pack accepted him. As soon as the pack drove him out, the chances of survival were close to zero.

Now everything has changed, but the instinct remains. And political technologists take advantage of this need and try to attract as many people as possible under the banner of ideology, Dmitry is convinced. What goes through the media affects our psyche. Television is filled with political talk shows that constantly find out who is right.

If spouses, relatives or friends find themselves on opposite sides of the barricades, they have to choose what is more important for them — family values, friendships, family ties, or being right. “When such things arise in a strong family, where good relationships are based on love and respect, no policy can shake them,” says Dmitry Belousov. — But if a certain discontent has accumulated in a couple, anything can become a catalyst for a quarrel. Directly, a person will not say: “You don’t suit me in that.” And political arguments come into play.

But politics is not the inner content of relations. It cannot fill life. In my practice, there were cases when spouses with different political views lived quite happily.” Disputes arise if the «content» is exhausted. When there is misunderstanding, when there is no common language, common ground, then you can talk about politics, and the economy, and about anything — about the fate of people in Uganda, the psychologist is sure.

More often than not, political conflicts are lightning rods. Recently, the economic situation has worsened and affected the economy of an individual family. When a man cannot provide for his family, he has problems with self-esteem and with his role. And if a woman takes the initiative in providing for the family, then often a man begins to feel uncomfortable. And you need to release the negative. Therefore, according to the psychologist, it is worth looking deeper into the true cause of relationship problems and trying to talk honestly about how to solve them.

Often disputes about politics are a mirror of a person’s internal conflict. Understanding the problems, realizing their causes and not transferring negativity to loved ones is the best way to resolve the conflict. Sometimes with the help of a psychologist.

“As for disagreements with relatives and friends, you need to understand that no policy will help you if you have hard times,” says Dmitry Belousov. — Instead of shifting problems to relationships with loved ones, you should think: it is they who can support you when it is difficult. And isn’t that more important than the political agenda?”