The more interesting a historical period is for a historian, the sadder it is for a contemporary. Among other disasters, long-term friendships collapse, a brother stops calling his sister, children ridicule the position of their parents, and parents curse their children in their hearts. We stop hearing each other. What to do when conflicts split family and friendship? Why is it so important for us to stand our ground? And how to maintain relations with polar assessments of what is happening?
AGGRESSION PROTECTS VALUABLE
There is such a parable: one monk was mercilessly reviled by his brothers, but he did not react in any way. When asked what allowed him to remain calm in such an unfriendly atmosphere, the monk replied: “These are dogs, not people — what do I care about them!”
Paradoxically, we do not quarrel with those who are indifferent to us (if we are in the resource): we do not throw a mug at the waiter if he made a mistake in the change, we do not swear with a gloomy controller, we do not (as a rule!) reprimand a colleague for inept makeup, after all, “you can’t baptize children with her.”
Angry what is important, and those who are important. Brings out what touches the living. Aggression, like guilt, performs a very specific function: it protects the valuable, albeit ugly and rude, but it protects. Aggression is a signal: “Stop! Here begins something dear to my heart, and I will not let it be torn to pieces. Therefore, it is pointless to react to aggression with aggression: for your counterpart, this is a signal that he did the right thing, defending himself!
The central question in disputes, to oneself and to another, should be: “What is valuable for me / you here?”. It is important to talk to each other if possible. Ask “naive” questions, clarify: “Do you really think that …?”, “When you say this, do you mean this?”. It often turns out that we ourselves have drawn the image of the enemy. By shifting the focus from emotions to the content behind them, we are able to understand the other and become closer to him.
«CHANGE ME IF YOU CAN!»
Why do close people try so furiously to convince each other that they are right? It would seem that you have your own opinion, I have mine, well, God bless him! But no. Many hours of battles begin in social networks and instant messengers. Why is this happening? Why is it important for us to convince others?
In trying to win you over to their side, the person is most likely unconsciously fighting to save the relationship. After all, if you hold diametrically opposed opinions, how can you continue to live side by side? A man is afraid to lose you, and now he is fighting for you … with you!
Often behind the aggressive upholding of one’s position is an attempt by a person to convince himself of the correctness of his own arguments. In full accordance with the catchphrase: «Jupiter, you are angry — it means you are wrong.» And even if so, the most you can do is give the person the right to react in this way, and respond to it calmly. We are all people, and people are different: with their upbringing and life experience, fears and hopes. And is it worth judging another for being scared or for being wrong?
AGAIN SPRING IN THE WHITE WORLD
Crisis times will not last forever. Understanding this can serve as a good foundation for you. Yes, it’s hard for you to talk to some of your acquaintances right now. Yes, you have become less likely to visit your uncle and aunt. But it will pass. What will be left? How did you deal with what fell into your hands. Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a member of the Resistance executed by the Nazis, wrote about this in letters from prison: “Everything will pass, both joy and sadness: they will go to God to tell how you received them.”
If it is still important for you to clarify positions with a loved one, remember:
Give the interlocutor the opportunity to speak without interrupting. It is important. You don’t have a goal of winning an argument.
Look for something in common that you both agree on.
Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re scared.
Agree with your partner (husband, wife, mom, dad) on the stop words, after saying which you stop the argument anyway and “disperse into different corners”: breathe, come to your senses, drink coffee with a pie.
If anger kicks in, go for a walk or run (without slamming the door, no!) for at least 30 minutes.
Tell your loved one that you love them. No matter what. This is important to hear, believe me.
By talking with an important person for you respectfully and seriously, you have the opportunity to better understand both yourself and him, and thereby become closer. And it’s worth a lot.