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Small pleasures lift our spirits, ease stress, and help us get through tough times. Not all of us are endowed with the ability to appreciate the joys of life, but it is never too late to learn.
There are people who are naturally endowed with an amazing ability: to find reasons for joy in the most difficult situations. “My mother-in-law retained to the very end some kind of childish ability to rejoice,” recalls 45-year-old Galina. – Already quite ill, she asked us at the dacha to arrange her in an armchair in front of a rose bush, which she once planted. And I suddenly realized, looking from the side, that she was happy!”
Moments of joy, even the most insignificant and fleeting, seriously change our lives for the better. “Every time we experience pleasure, dopamine is released in our brain. This substance not only causes pleasant sensations, it is necessary for the efficient functioning of the brain, including in stressful situations, ”says Francois Lelord, psychologist and bestselling author of Hector’s Journey, or The Quest for Happiness.
Pleasure undoubtedly gives flavor to our lives. But can they give us happiness? “Distinguishing cause and effect here is not so easy,” the psychologist replies. – Our happiness is formed as the sum of pleasures – or do happy people more often allow themselves to be happy? I guess it’s both.”
It is only when we become truly adults that we gain the ability to appreciate simple pleasures.
Of course, we are not talking about seeing life exclusively in a rosy light. Just complaining and criticizing, even if they are well-founded, does not make life rich and interesting. The art of rejoicing is not only a gift of nature, but also an inner freedom that allows us to dare to joy. It is in this freedom that the source of pleasure lies.
Treat yourself well
People who are unable to stop, abandon constant troubles and give themselves at least a little respite, are probably familiar to everyone. On a sunny day at the beach, they don’t leave their laptop to read their work emails. At the festive table, now and then they are accepted to call the office. And even accepting gifts, they look preoccupied. How does this attitude to life come about?
“To enjoy the little things is a sign of wisdom,” says psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin. – If a person does not want to grow up, then all pleasures seem unreal to him, and he lives in anticipation of the most important, the biggest and all-consuming.
In fact, this is an unconscious desire to return to early childhood, to that state of omnipotence, when all our desires were immediately satisfied by the mother and all pleasures were available.
It is only when we become truly adults that we realize the fallacy of the all-or-nothing logic. And we gain the ability to appreciate simple pleasures like a warm bath or a cup of tea.
Recognize your past
It is known that some babies are able to cry for hours, driving their parents into a frenzy. Others fall asleep easily and with pleasure, as if they were lulling themselves to sleep.
This is explained by different levels of serotonin, which is often called the “hormone of happiness.” But we inherit the ability to enjoy life not only at the genetic level: it is easier to allow ourselves to enjoy those who, in childhood, saw their parents enjoy life.
Many sophisticated gourmets, for example, admit that they grew up in families where parents knew how to enjoy even tasty fried potatoes.
Agree to be different
Looking closer at their joys, everyone will find that nothing compares to the pure delight of childish happiness. Some of them were given walks with their parents in the forest, others – grandmother’s tales, the third – an old carousel in the yard.
Here, for example, is an amazing story shared by sexologist Catherine Blanc: “As a child, my parents and I often traveled to Africa, and I always remembered the smell of rotting fish in the markets. Probably, many would simply run away from there, holding their noses in horror. And I love this smell. He brings back the magic of those happy trips to me every time.”
No objective assessments are possible here, the best thing we can do is respect each other, understanding that everyone has their own unique history. And it is in it that he finds sources for his pleasures.
Know how to let go of control
The fear of becoming addicted to pleasure is one of the reasons why many of us do not allow ourselves small pleasures. But after all, even the most strict nutritionist cannot but admit: if you treat yourself to a cake at dinner, you will not add 10 kilograms the next day! And it’s not at all necessary that you will absorb these cakes by the dozens until the end of time.
The ability to weaken and regain control is an important condition for a joyful life. Especially when it comes to the pleasure of the most powerful and therefore the most frightening – sex. Sex requires us to be as open as possible, to give up control, and this is worrying: will my partner take advantage of my weaknesses?
“We are torn apart by the desire to enjoy and the fear that pleasure will enslave us, that we give ourselves into the power of another,” reflects Catherine Blanc. Allowing yourself to enjoy means recognizing that you have enough strength to enjoy life.
Is there no life without sex?
Sexual attraction and the desire to realize it accompany us throughout our lives. Desire can overtake us on the street, at work, in a cafe or subway … But we hold it back, suppress it, put it off – whether out of fear, because of education, because of inappropriateness or ethical considerations.
As Freud argued, when we love someone but do not have the opportunity to make love, we sublimate sexual energy, using it for intellectual development and creativity. So sexuality is certainly a source of vitality. And when a feeling of love is combined with it, desire and pleasure far exceed all the “norms” available to us in ordinary life.
“The moment of merging in sex with a loved one is the best experience of all available to us,” agrees family psychologist Ina Bausheva. – This proximity allows you to temporarily forget about the restrictions imposed by our bodily shell. New dimensions of space and time are opening up to us, these experiences are close to spiritual insights.
Neuroscientists confirm that the secretion of hormones is directly related to feelings for a partner. Without love, we can find relaxation in sex, relieve tension with it. However, to enjoy it to the fullest, you need to love for real.
Enjoy little
Today, pleasure is associated with a consumer attitude to life, with comfort and the ability to freely spend money. But the art of living consists in enjoying the events taking place every moment around us, in accepting life itself as a gift. By postponing pleasure for later, we run the risk of discovering one day that we have missed a great many chances to be happy.
Is our happiness made up of simple pleasures, or are happy people more likely to allow themselves to be happy?
“Perceiving new shoes or a tie as an insignificant trifle that does not deserve attention, we deprive ourselves of the joy that these things could bring us,” says Andrey Rossokhin. “Recognizing that pleasures can be big and small, strong and not so strong, is to enrich your life.”
And François Lelord responds to those who think self-indulgence is selfish: “In recent research, psychologists have found out an interesting thing: those who indulge in small pleasures like a chocolate bar were more willing and generous to give alms when they left the laboratory.” The subjects were unaware that the “beggars” were part of the study. But is it really that important? The main thing, perhaps, is that the experienced pleasure makes us more generous, pushing us to share our joy with others.