The law judges a person for an act, not for an intention, but for someone who is infected with a guilt complex, a bad thought or fantasy is enough. He does not realize that such thoughts are characteristic of everyone and dignity is shown by the one who knows how to cope with them, and not the one whom they never visit. Writer Nikolai Kryshchuk – about why he understands and loves people who are able to admit guilt.
I understand and love people who are able to experience shame for some actions and generally feel, experience. With them, life is not so cruel and dangerous. They are usually in the minority, and to each of them I am eternally grateful.
But I met in my life and characters with the so-called guilt complex. In communication, they are extremely difficult, their torments are contagious, you involuntarily begin to suffer from your own lack of sensitivity, look for a reason for self-condemnation. You understand: something is wrong in this state, and something is wrong in the person who infected you. Want to figure it out.
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- Why is guilt needed?
According to one version of the interpretation of original sin, the newborn is already guilty of what he did not commit. That is, he inherits the guilt for disobedience to his forefathers. But, I think, the guilt complex is hardly born out of a deep and overly personal awareness of the Christian postulate. The matter is simpler and at the same time more complicated, like everything that concerns psychology.
The law judges a person for an act, not for an intention, but for someone who is infected with a guilt complex, a bad thought or fantasy is enough. He does not realize that such thoughts are characteristic of everyone and dignity is shown by the one who knows how to cope with them, and not the one whom they never visit. Such beautiful soul is one of the forms of infantilism provoked, apparently, by a hypocritical upbringing. They say that such a thing cannot even occur to parents, they are pure in their thoughts, and I am bad, spoiled.
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- How to raise a child without making him feel guilty
There are two possible outcomes here. Either the child becomes a hypocrite, responding exclusively to the expectations of others, or maliciously insightful, denouncing parents, teachers, peers, and after them all of humanity in pretense. I don’t know which one is worse. In such cases, they say: both are worse.
Hypocrisy does not release from the complex of guilt, it only pushes him inside. To it is added a heavy feeling of constant pretense at the realization of one’s filthiness and a growing sense of unreality, inauthenticity, invention of life. This interferes with enjoyment, the person becomes in some way flawed. He exchanges love for himself for the love of others.
The result is the same with malicious insight. Consciousness plunges into the phantasmagoria of the absurd, it seems that the whole world is built on a lie, that even flowers and animals pretend, and a person, like a dog, thinks only about sugar in the palm of his hand, paying for it with caress and obedience. There can be no question of any sincere relationship in this case.
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- Let’s stop blaming each other!
A person with a guilt complex is an anxious person. Anxiety can manifest itself in excessive attention to order (compensation for internal disorder), in fear of forgetting something, in a manic desire to straighten one’s or a loved one’s hair, clothes, check once again a laced boot. He is tense and often inadequate in conversation.
In short, such a person is scandalously insecure. He needs constant confirmation that he is sane and prosperous. Now he does not dare to apologize for an obvious mistake (in the hope that he was not noticed), then he makes Homeric excuses for something that no one paid attention to.
All of this begins and develops in childhood. The child constantly calls for approval of what he does, and easily receives it from happy parents. Their assessment replaces his self-esteem. But sooner or later misconduct happens, and then the parents just as willingly turn on a loud voice, pull back, cry out for shame. If applause was the norm and almost untrue, now, he feels, they are talking to him seriously, they do not like him, and, therefore, he is a bad person.
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- 4 exercises to boost self-esteem
Yevgeny Schwartz recalls a characteristic episode from his childhood. Mom had a second child, his younger brother. The culprit of the expulsion from the paradise of love was obvious. Once in the hearts Zhenya exclaimed: “We lived, we lived – suddenly bang! This one appeared … ”The parents repeated these words with laughter many times.
Yes, the culprit of the expulsion seemed to be obvious, but the boy believed the adults so much that he explained their sudden irritability by personal qualities: “Once I was sitting behind the gate, on the ground. It was a clear autumn day. Gymnasium girls, already adults, were going home after school. Seeing me, one of them said: “Look, what a pretty boy! I would draw it.” I was delighted – and immediately remembered that the girl speaks of me so affectionately only because she does not know what an unimportant person I am now.
The child does not need constant approval, no matter how he himself seeks it, but in generous love, which does not depend on victories and failures. He himself will eventually learn to evaluate himself, not looking back at those around him, and love will support him from despondency even in the most bitter moments of dissatisfaction with himself.